I was just taking a look at success stories. The newest one is from september. It looks like all of them were placed there by moderators. Am I looking in the wrong places?
I am not trying to cut down DBing, It is the choice I have made and I really don't know what else to do.
This is my family and my live's I am dealing with. I just want to know the facts.
I know when this question about success rates has came up before, it has been mentioned that when most people have success they don't come back, so we don't hear about that.
I can't believe that. I would, and I think most everyone on here that I talk to would to. So where are they?
I am sorry, I really am, but I am starting to feel brainwashed.
I posted that question a number of weeks ago. I agree that likely a lot of people are successful don't come back to talk about it - there busy with their new M!!
Regardless I think the key in all this, like has been said a number of times is DO WHAT WORKS, DON'T DO THINGS THAT DON'T WORK. I know some of what I've done in DB'ing is clearly working, but obviously not sticking to it hurts.
Secondly, I think the time factor when it comes to having WAS come out of the fog/sand/[censored] whatever is not consistant. It's not like we have to do "A" for 1 month, then move onto step "B" and do that for 3 weeks...etc.
Lastly, I think in some cases (maybe mine/maybe yours - maybe all of the BITS) there is nothing that can be done. The D is going to happen no matter what...
Regardless the DB principles focus so much on improving ones self worth almost as if it realizes that most of us "won't get what we came for", but it gives us some of the tools to move on calmly and rationally and in cases were kids are involved - manage to have a decent R with our W's once they are no longer our W's.
With that being said, I've never done well with that thought. Before I met my W, I had 100% completely disconnected from previous girlfriends - I mean most of them I've never seen again. Obviously with my W this wouldn't work, and I'm not really sure how it will work.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
That seems darn close to reverse psychology. My W is to smart for that.
I understand the validating that she wants D, but to give her the impression that I am interested in a different woman to love me and be my W? She isn't falling for that.
Maybe if it was worded differently, so she doesn't get the impression of moving on to a different woman. Maybe coach sees that as a jealousy thing, but that will not work with my W, not an ounce of jealousy with her ever.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
You can call my story what ever you like - a success, a new beginning or just dumb luck. I've only been on here about 3 months and I was a very bad Dber.
My W dropped the bomb on Nov. 8, 2010. I cried and pleaded for about 10 minutes. Then I calmed down and asked her to re-think on it. She gave me a week. When that week was over she reiterated the bomb. Of course, I cried, but didn't really plead.
So she gave me a list of things she wanted from me during this time - basically she wanted space, we didn't sleep in the same rooms, she didn't want me to send her flowers, cards, presents, etc.
I complied, but he only thing I really respected was the space thing and the no presents thing.
By late Nov., she agreed to take Divorce off the table. On Dec. 3, she told me she wanted to work on the M and set up an MC session that day.
But I did bring up the R at least 3 times mostly at the urging of my MC. She also brought it up as well.
I know her turnaround was very fast and I'm really appreciative. I know people are in worse situations. During the time I didn't follow DB to the letter. I mostly did what worked because that way I was sincere about it.
My point (gee you had one, harrier) is that if you feel that there is now a time to have an R talk. Have it, bring it up. Clearly this is weighing on you. It's making it so you can't really move on.
It may be painful. Hell mine were extremely painful. Know that going in. But really do you think you will be in a worse position. If you think communication issues are what lead you to the point you are at, I wonder if the no R talk cements that in your W's mind.
If you do bring it up. I'd remember this thought most times how an argument/talks ends is how it began. Don't go int with guns blazing, build up to the issue if you have to.
Now you can take this advice for what is is worth. Which is not much considering. Many would disagree, but you are the one that has to live with whether you talk or not.
But I really admired your fortitude in sticking with the DB.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Habit, I know it seems like brainwashing or cheerleading, but as a former WAS (with my 1st W), I believe that if my ex had used most of these techniques I may still be M to her.
In my current sitch, I've told W that for me, walking away from my ex without trying to work things out was the biggest mistake of my life. Not in a pleading, chasing way but as a matter of fact (maybe wrong to do, but I think it put a seed in her head). When she's brought up D, I calmly tell her that's not what I want but that I understand that she feels that way. I've learned the hard way to be a much better, empathetic listener.
I wish I could say WAS come out of their fog quickly, but W is still in her fog after at least last summer (and probably more like spring). I've had to learn to be VERY patient which is hard, but if I can do it, anyone can!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Thank you very much Harrier, I would count that as one for success stories, congrats, don't let up.
I would also count that as one for R talk.
As for no R talk cementing the no communication in my W's mind, I don't think so. It is me who has realized the communication issues, I don't think she knows what our problems were. She just thinks I am an evil, angry guy and that is just the way it is. She has never looked to see what was causing this, or looked for her faults in this.
This is why I want this R talk. I don't wish to put blame on her, I just think our problems need to be known by both of us. She should not be divorcing me without having the knowledge of why we are here. She shouldn't just be able to run away without knowing what happened.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
Habit, I agree. I was mostly just trying to tell as I see it/feel it.
I think about it a lot, in the beginning I literally felt there was no option. Stay M to W or die.
Obviously if you really think about it that isn't worth it. Just like our W's believe they can happy again, so can we.
That's obviously what GAL is also preparing you for...
Think hard, start to think of things you always wanted to do.
For me, I've always wanted to take a 2 week trip to Wimbledon for the Tennis Championships. I've loved tennis for as long as I can remember. I've brought this upto my W a number of times, and she has zero desire to go. I may just plan this trip for next year if things don't workout.
Also, I grew up wanting to become a Chef. I learned to cook everything from my mother at young age, and as I got older (teens) I would bake and cook all the time just because I liked doing it. A few years ago we had a cook/bake off at work, because the guys and girls got into a conversation about who could cook. Nobody believed that I liked to cook/bake or that I was good at it. Ended up I baked an apple pie...made completely from scratch - and it was voted the best (secret ballet) of all the items that were brought it. In the end that thought I bought it from a baker!! LOL
I'm looking into taking some cooking courses/classes to see where it goes - you just never know.
No matter what happens with my W, I'll likely at least take some in some cooking classes, but the trip will be out of the question.
Other than that, my focus is still going to be on being the best father I can possibly be...I want my girls to grow up knowing their Dad was there for them ALL the time!!
We can do this no matter what the outcome...
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I posted that question a number of weeks ago. I agree that likely a lot of people are successful don't come back to talk about it - there busy with their new M!!
No they are busy on another marriage help website.
I was and am a success story. There is a reason you don't see many success stories about reconciliation especially when it comes to spouses in affairs.
Men read up on attraction (primal and intimate), respect in a marriage, busting affairs, 5LLs, validating, and how women communicate. Most guys don't do their homework, they just say that won't work and keep doing what hasn't been working.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
stopped trying to control/smother/tell her how to feel
you become more valuable because you will be just fine without her
the vibe you give off is one of confidence - very attractive
she knows she is treating you poorly and you keep coming back for more, so letting her know that you want to be married to a woman that loves you is attractive and then giving her space is powerful
what caused all you guys to stand up and take notice of your situation?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
