BEGIN with a Beginner's Mind

[dixiegal]

So, true. Thinking about the loving w/out getting anything back or expecting it. Wake up call right here! I see now, that I had the expectations of how I would love my H and he would do all these things in return.

I didnt see that he was showing it in return but, in a different way, his way.

Arguing only came about around the same topic as mention before..come home....

But, I realize that it doesent matter who is right or wrong on some random topic to argue. Who cares! We are two different people who experience things in a different way.

I wanted my H to say he loved me, but by coming home. That showed me that he really loved me because he was willing to put his fears and etc. aside to take a chance on us. So, when that never happened, but he came over week after week. I felt rejected everytime and unloved.

Make sense?

[sgctxok]

So, true. Thinking about the loving w/out getting anything back or expecting it. Wake up call right here! I see now, that I had the expectations of how I would love my H and he would do all these things in return.

I didnt see that he was showing it in return but, in a different way, his way.

Yes. And in his way of showing you love, you can begin to detect what love really means to him.

What was he doing to show you love?

I wanted my H to say he loved me, but by coming home. That showed me that he really loved me because he was willing to put his fears and etc. aside to take a chance on us. So, when that never happened, but he came over week after week. I felt rejected everytime and unloved.

Your expectation was a bit too high. He probably needs to feel a certain way before deciding to come home. When you were living together, what made you feel the most loved?

But, I realize that it doesent matter who is right or wrong on some random topic to argue. Who cares! We are two different people who experience things in a different way.

Exactly. And now you can put that realization to practice.

[sgctxok]

LOVE ILLUSION #5

"People just fall out of love"

Do you believe that?

"Love isn't just a feeling, it's a decision"

What are your feelings about the above statement?


Michele states:

"There is no magic or mystery here. What you decide to do on a daily basis will determine how much love you and your partner feel for each other. You both decide whether you're going to spend time together regularly or do your own thing, forgive each other or hold grudges, accept each others weaknesses or point finger of blame, apoligze when in error or smugly stand your ground, be generous and giving or put your own needs first."


Do you find your feelings vascillating greatly? What are you committed to?

[sgctxok]

apoligze=apologize

[sgctxok]

LOVE ILLUSION #6

"An affair doesn't have to ruin a marriage"

What are your thoughts and feelings about this statement?

"Most people survive infidelity and can, in fact, make their marriage stronger once they work through the issues infidelity has brought into their lives."

If you are in the situation where you or your spouse has had an affair or is having an affair, what are your thoughts about this statement. What were your biases before you were in this situation?

What are the biases of the people closest to you and your spouse?

[sgctxok]

LOVE ILLUSION #7

"Most people are happier in their second marriages because they've learned from their mistakes"


Have you heard this before?


Michele states... "...60 percent of second marriages end in divorce..." and "...one of the reasons there are more divorces in second marriages is that people enter their second marriages with the bad relationship habits they learned the first time around."

Are you happy in your work? Do you feel fulfilled? Are you happy with yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally?

How does this affect how you feel in your relationship? How do you think the same things are affecting your partner's feelings and expectations in your relationship?


Michele's thoughts on pages 57 and 58 are really worth reading over again from time to time and applying to your life and relationship.

[lostinscared]

What happens if you WAS believes these illusions. One in particular that sticks out to me is that we cannot be happy because we are so different. Another one is that love is not a decision but something you feel or don't feel. I mean he really is committed to his feelings about these things. I don't try to change those feelings anymore. But it is certainly frustrating. I asked him one day months ago after telling him some of the stuff I learned if he thought he was smarter than the experts. He said that most of the time, yes, he thinks he's smarter. Not really much I could do with that, so I left it alone.

[dixiegal]

H thinks that it's a feeling not a choice to love. Of course, I don't believe that at all. He also thinks/feels strongly that he did try while we have been seperated. Though, he never came home.

I know, some folks who got it right for the 2nd Marraige. But, it seems I know more who are Divorced after 2x's. So, I agree w/Michelle.

Of course, what do you do when H is making himself believe all his excuses????

[dixiegal]

So, now that H is gone....how do I put to practice what I now know??? He now feels strongly that he has to let me go. Because, he cant come home and its not fair to hurt me. When he comes to get the Dog on Thursday. If he did bring up R. What would I say....

But, alas...I think he will get Dog and just go. I'm learning all these things...how will he ever know SG?

[Harrier]

I think much of this is interesting. I like the idea of the "beginner's mind."

For me the issue of conflict is one that I think about. I never had the illusion that there wouldn't be conflict once I got married. In fact, I'd be extremely worried if there were no conflict.

Conflict happens in all relationships - spouse, kids, parents, friends, bosses. My take has always been what do the conflict teach us about the other person and our selves.

One thing conflict has taught me is that I don't hold grudges. I can have a nasty fight with say my sister and then talk to her a week later like nothing happened. I believe that conflict can offer a necessary valve for stress.

However, that's not to say all conflict is equal. Some can be harmful. I was reading "Seven principles for making marriages work" by John Gottman. he has done observational studies on married couples to come up with this 7 principles.

This book has taught me to examine the way conflict occurs. How you approach it and how the other person approaches it. Now obviously, I can't put the whole book here, but it boils down to this. All conflicts are either resolvable or perpetual. You have to acknowledge that some conflicts can not be solved. The idea is too look at the root of the conflict for understanding not to get the person to change.
Solvable conflict can also be an issue, but you have to learn how to address them in a productive manner.