Lighthouse lit until WAW comes out of fog 2

[habitacker]

I guess I will start another thread. Mine seems to be locked.

Denver, about being your hero? Thanks for bringing me up, and then dropping me back down. lol.

Maybe I could be scaredincanada's sidekick or something.

[Denver_2010]

I guess I will start another thread. Mine seems to be locked.

Denver, about being your hero? Thanks for bringing me up, and then dropping me back down. lol.

Maybe I could be scaredincanada's sidekick or something.

LOL... you're both my heros!!

[2stepboogie]

hey habit can you post a link to your last thread, that way we can keep referring back to it without having to go searching.

[dbmod]

previous thread

[habitacker]

Thanks dbmod.

Well, I might of avoided disaster tonight. After going so long with no R talk of any kind, I came within touching the bedroom doorknob a few minutes ago.

I got really frustrated tonight about her lack of anything. I know this is normal to feel like I am doing all the work, and she is getting off easy.

I admit I was an awfully angry and grouchy guy over the last few years, and she has every right to feel the way she does. In her eyes she sees that as who I am. Well, she's wrong. She didn't marry that guy. I had problems, I would say in some ways sick. I would say probably a combination of MLC and frustration with communication. We were not communicating or showing love and affection the way we used to. She dealt with these problems by holding it in, I dealt with it with anger.

I know neither one of us understood this. Now I see what was going on with myself, and I see what she was doing also.

This is what I almost entered the room to have R talk was about. It is something I want her to understand. I feel like I was almost sick with the place I was in. Maybe I was.

If my W had problems and was sick mentally or physically that would cause things to be the way they were with me, or if she was just in a place in her life where issues like this happen, I would stand by her no matter what.

Isn't she supposed to also? Isn't that what for better or worse is all about? I thought I married someone who would honor this no matter what? What ever happened to this type of marriage?

It breaks my heart more that she won't try, than her actually not loving me.

[habitacker]

Somebody please give me a darn good reason why she does not need to understand what our problems are.

Tell me why I did the right thing by not walking in that bedroom tonight.

I battle with this more than anything everyday.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks dbmod.

Well, I might of avoided disaster tonight. After going so long with no R talk of any kind, I came within touching the bedroom doorknob a few minutes ago.

I got really frustrated tonight about her lack of anything. I know this is normal to feel like I am doing all the work, and she is getting off easy.

I admit I was an awfully angry and grouchy guy over the last few years, and she has every right to feel the way she does. In her eyes she sees that as who I am. Well, she's wrong. She didn't marry that guy. I had problems, I would say in some ways sick. I would say probably a combination of MLC and frustration with communication. We were not communicating or showing love and affection the way we used to. She dealt with these problems by holding it in, I dealt with it with anger.

I know neither one of us understood this. Now I see what was going on with myself, and I see what she was doing also.

This is what I almost entered the room to have R talk was about. It is something I want her to understand. I feel like I was almost sick with the place I was in. Maybe I was.

If my W had problems and was sick mentally or physically that would cause things to be the way they were with me, or if she was just in a place in her life where issues like this happen, I would stand by her no matter what.

Isn't she supposed to also? Isn't that what for better or worse is all about? I thought I married someone who would honor this no matter what? What ever happened to this type of marriage?

It breaks my heart more that she won't try, than her actually not loving me

Our W's need to figure it out in their own way... in their own time. Just as they couldn't force us to not be angry, depressed or whatever prior to them dropping the bomb, we cannot force them to do what we want right now.

I relate to how you feel brother. And I can relate to many things in your sitch. But the reality that we came to where we are today in our own time. We don't get to determine the time that they come around. We can't force it on them. We can't control them. Just as they could not control us when we were damaging the M.

That is why you didn't turn that doorknob.

BITS
Denver

[ScaredinCanada]

I guess I will start another thread. Mine seems to be locked.

Denver, about being your hero? Thanks for bringing me up, and then dropping me back down. lol.

Maybe I could be scaredincanada's sidekick or something.

Dude, any day!! It feels so much better to be around people that are going through what I am going through. We are all in this together, there are no winners/losers, heros - we are all survivors!

Every single person I talk too (a few friends and a couple work associates) they all tell me I need to fight for my W in that they mean PURSUE her! Then I try to explain to them why that DOES NOT and WILL NOT work. They don't understand. I usually end up telling them they won't understand unless they were in the same sitch.

I get great strength from you Habit, along with a lot of the other BITS members. Heck I spend more time reading posts on this forum than I do anything else these days!!

[ScaredinCanada]

Somebody please give me a darn good reason why she does not need to understand what our problems are.

Tell me why I did the right thing by not walking in that bedroom tonight.

I battle with this more than anything everyday.

To be honest I feel like you need to have some sort of R talk at some point, because otherwise I believe she thinks that your on the same page with her. I get that feeling with my W, and only remainder detach for amost 2 weeks at a time.

Last night she initiated some R talk in bringing up that she had C this coming Thursday. She mentioned that she kind of liked going because it was someone that would ACTUALLY just listen to her and not judge her.

I replied, "Of course, she has no stake in the sitch - she could care less what happens with you marriage".

I said to her, "I'm glad that you feel good about going to C, and that it's helping you"

She replies, "Oh it's not helping anything, I don't believe I need any help - I know what I want."

I said, "Ok, so that means that you want to give us a chance." She said, "No, I'm done trying, I know what I want and I know that I don't want to try anymore".

Awesome stuff. Regardless early next week, I'm going to look into booking the MC.

We did have a funny moment. She was on the couch reading to my 2 oldest D's, when I decided to come up D5 and tickle her. She was laughing, and I proceeded to tickle D6, and then just for fun tickled my W. It was just for a second, and similar to when I smacked her on the butt last week, I got mixed sly smile from her and a "Don't do that." in a playful way.

I'm sure the fact that I am touching her messes with her. I can see that it gives her mixed feelings, but again it could be simply because she's also gone so long with out any sort of intimacy.

Along the road we go...

BITS
SIC

[habitacker]

I have stuck to my guns with the no R talk. I have been very patient and have waited for her to initiate it because this is the advice I always get. (exception MrBond).

On the other hand I always hear,"Do what works". Well, this isn't working. As time goes by I can see she is less tense and looks to be more comfortable. I would love to think these are baby steps, but the more comfortable she gets, the farther away she gets from me. She is detaching.

I could tell the tenseness and everything right after the bomb was guilt. She felt bad for what she was doing to me. Now, she is getting the impression that I am going to be o.k. with all of this, and she is letting go.

I know everyone is going to say I am mind reading, but it looks pretty obvious to me.