"Buddhists believe that people should endeavor to approach their lives with a beginner's mind because in a beginner's mind there are many possibilities. While in an expert's mind, there are but few."
"There are two primary areas in which people's 'expertise' clouds their thinking when they're having relationship problems. The first inovles dearly held fallacies about love and marriage. The second has more to do with faulty misconceptions abouthow to bring about a change in their relationships."
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing"
What are your thoughts/feelings about this? What has your partner expressed to you?
What is conflict like for you--intense and stressful? What are the signs in your body? Do you cry or do you get sick or are your muscles tight? What is it like for your partner?
What are your beliefs about conflict's impact on your marriage?
What are your beliefs about how conflict should be resolved?
How do YOUR beliefs differ from your partner's beliefs?
How are each of your beliefs getting in the way of OR helping your marriage (if this is a strength of yours)?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"In healthy relationships major disagreements get resolved over time."
What have been the major disagreements between you and your spouse?
What have been your hopes about the resolution of this disagreement?
What have you 'heard' about your spouse's opinion on this issue?
What do you think is underlying your spouse's opinion on this issue?
What do you think your spouse hopes you will understand about him/her on this issue?
What are your feelings about the following statement:
"Research tells us that approximately 60 percent of what couples argue about is unresolveable"
Does the following surprise you:
"If you eavesdrop on couples' arguments as newlyweds and then again after they've been married for 25 years or more, you might be surprised to find that much of the content is the same. However, the way in which people discuss these heated issues does change over time. We tend to mellow a bit, which makes a huge differenc ein how our partners react to us and vice versa."
If you've been in the relationship for a long time (8+ years)...are you mellowing? What about 25+ years...are you mellowing?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
My partner and I are definitely mellowing. That's exciting because we're 'hotter' too. We've relaxed and gotten more joyful. Weird, because our issues haven't changed. It's not that we don't care about our issues. The two of us just matter more. When we're irritated, well, we're irritated, but it isn't a deal-breaker.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"In healthy marriages, spouses have the same definition of what it means to be loving"
What do you really want from your partner? If you're upset--what do you want your partner to do? to say? If you're excited--what do you want from your spouse?
What is a loving expression to your spouse?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"Having a good marriage doesn't depend on having a shared definition of love. It involves undersatnding your partner's definition and showing your love based on THAT definition, not yours. Not enough people engage in real giving. Instead, we give to others that which we would like to receive."
My guy is not a DBer. He avoids a R talk like the Bears avoid the Packers. Just let me say GO BEARS and wait TIL NEXT YEAR. He knows about DB and the board and yadayada, and he is fine with this being MY thing, etc. And yet he is so much better at REAL GIVING than I am.
REAL GIVING is Michele's signature and best technique. GO MICHELE. I wish she would write a new book just on this technique.
REAL GIVING IS LOVE. And anyone who gets it has the best chance of winning their partner.
Emmett Fox said:
"If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world."
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
