Sitting in my house all alone...

[Navyguy]

Sorry about the repetitive posts, they weren't showing up.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Navy,
If you miss your kids, go see them. Remember, they miss you. But, don't let your W think you are there for her or to beg her to fix the M. Make sure to let her know that you are there to see your children and DB your *ss off the entire time you are there. Don't push her into conversations about the M or the future. Don't beg, plead, cry, or say "I love you." Every time you say "I love you," it reminds her that the feelings are not mutual right now. Not to mention, when you stop saying that, she will have to wonder why. But, please man, if you want to see your children, go see them. Then need their daddy and you need them!!!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[zengypsy]

Navy

Welcome to these boards.

Some of what is happening is your fault. Stuff you should own and change if you care to.

What stuff?

Her complaints that hit home. The ones that sting you should look at.

My first thing to you is it took a while to get to where you are in the M and it won't be fixed over night.

This takes a lot of patience.

The good thing is you are here and there are some great people here to help you.

she had a very emotionally/physically abusive father.

The gift that keeps on giving...

Childhood trauma comes back in adulthood.

Navy - I am sorry to learn that you are here but this is a wonderful place for support and new friends.

TG - I found this part of your thread very fascinating because my H had an emotionally/physically abusive father. I don't want to hijack Navy's thread, but I would like to talk to you more about this. How can we do that?

[Navyguy]

Well, I skyped with the kids tonight and had a really good time with them. W was kind of in and out of the room as I was talking to them and reading them bedtime stories, and I managed to resist trying to talk to her at all. After we got off the video call I sent a text to tell her that I'm going to come out to see the kids from Feb 4th-8th, and she said that'd be great. I agree with FOBD...i'm going to have to DB my *ss off while I'm there...if I can pull it off, I think she'll be pretty shocked. I know she'll definitely be watching me closely....

Today was a pretty good day...I think this detaching thing is actually starting to work like its supposed to...I can tell she's a bit confused now that I'm not giving her any reason to get mad at me. She is not warming up to me at all, but I just had the feeling she's starting to at least consider tackling her inner demons. Actually a pretty good feeling. Now I need to keep the momentum going.

[FellOnBlackDays]

That a boy, Navy! Hang in there man. Go see your kids and make it a great trip. You know that seeing them will lift your spirits. Kids always do. I hope you have a wonderful trip out there. I would read DB or DR on the flight out so that your "skills" are fresh for when you arrive. Keep posting and keep up the good work!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[Navyguy]

Having a rough day here at work...can't focus at all. I miss them so much and I keep thinking how unfair this is to me and our kids that she's keeping us apart right now. Bleh.

I've been reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and it seems like every single page describes us perfectly. Our whole problem goes back to communication and us understanding what we need from each other. I wish I had read that book a long time ago. I'm hoping maybe she will read it too. The book has really helped me understand why things went the way they did, but on the other hand it is very upsetting to realize how we have both unknowningly made each other miserable for such a long time, and that things didn't have to be this way.

[Navyguy]

Also...One of my wife's girlfriends that she talks to regularly has offered to talk to me about our situation...should I do that?

[2stepboogie]

As I read your story Navy I read my own. First few weeks I would of said "hey I am detaching pretty good" then came the loneliness then came the expectations and the disappointment. The book is great. I read it after W left also and I to feel our situation is very resolvable. I also read The 5 Love Languages and about 4 others. But right now MWD is my bible because it almost details what you need to do.

Hang around and share. The more you do the better you feel. I didn't find this site till she had already filed so we are basically in the beginning of the end or the end of a new beginning however you want to look at it.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Navy,
I wouldn't involve your friends. Just my two cents. I tried that and it did not work. Actually, it backfired horribly. A WAS doesn't want to be confronted by anyone about what they are doing. In their f'ed up mind, they have things all figured out and they don't want anyone trying to mess up their plans. Your friend will probably not be able to help you. But, you are a grown man and know the sitch and your wife better than we do. You will have to make that call. I wish you the best of luck, my friend.

Yes, prepare yourself. You are going to spend the next couple of months on the worst emotional roller-coaster ride you have ever endured. I have days where I can't seem to cry enough and I have other days were I don't really give a damn if she comes back at all. Today happens to be one of those days where I am not sure I care what happens to us right now. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope you can find some peace and some rest. Just keep thinking about your wonderful children and how much they are going to love getting to see you.

BITS never walk alone.

FOBD

[Navyguy]

FOBD...I agree, I'm going to try to not get her friend involved, that will probably just make my W mad.

W and I had what I thought was a good online chat last night after i skype'd with our kids. Just kept it light and we were joking around. She mentioned to me that she hates staying at other people's houses, so I told her I understand and that my previous offer of making whatever living arrangements she needs when she comes back still stands. After i said that I quickly said good night and logged off so she didn't have time to respond and didn't feel like she needed to. I'm hoping she saw this as me being accomodating and not pressuring her. She's also going to my parents' house for dinner tomorrow night. So, two good signs yesterday...I just gotta be careful not to get my hopes up too high.