Count your blessings instead of sheep...

[kat727]

Are you getting ready for the new snow? They are calling for 7-10 inches here!! Yikes! I may have to take a snow day.

kat

[BobbiJo]

Kat, only a few inches here...not sure if we will get a late start or not...

Mish....no clue what to post anymore. Kids are great, Nathan scored a basket in his game last Saturday!!

I have had a few rough moments come up. I don't know why, just times where I have been down about Dan. Last night I had a dream that he was living here again for some reason and I had hired a wedding planner (???WTF???) behind his back and was planning a wedding. He came in the house and saw me with the planner and flipped out and I wound up clinging to his arm and begging him to stay...what the hell?? Shouldn't I be past this by now?? Just a dream, but still!

In real life, things are ok. He was at basketball practice Monday night and was all chatty and friend-y. Granted the night before I kept the kids for him because his flight got in later than expected. He took them Mon after practice to make up for it...

Then he texted me today that his boss informed him he had to meet one of their owners at the airport and take him to dinner....Weds is always his kid night. He said his parents would take them and feed them and go to his house to put them to bed unless I wanted them...

I had a big mtg after school and then church. I just told him that I would love to but I had dinner plans. (I did, at church, but he didn't need that information!) He said not a problem, just giving you the opportunity...


Work is going well, still love my job! My ESL boy learned a new phrase today, "I'm telllllling on youuuuu!" It was cute and the girl totally deserved it!

On the HG front, it has been 3 weeks since our ice skating date. I am working on switching my weekends w/Dan for speech stuff which would also line mine up w/HG... he said to let him know when I was free again.

So I texted tonight that I was working on the schedule change but until then, I was free next Wed. He replied pretty quickly and said he would be free and we would have to think of something fun to do.

Ouch! My feet hurt...I ran into Sydney's daycare this morning and slipped on melted snow. I fell but contorted myself in a weird way to keep from hurting Sydney as I was carrying her. Did something to my feet and now they hurt!!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Bobbi.. well from what I understand, its not a linear process, you're going to still have these feelings, slide backs etc, I mean you were with him for half your adult life, its understandable isnt it.

I was thinking about you last night. I have a friend whose H is border line abusive, just the way he barks at the kids and is hard on them at times, talks down to my friend, is critical, rude, blaming her, positively nasty sometimes, controlling, critical of her parenting..He's also been texting and contacting old girlfriends on FB, but she stayed with him because he continually refused to discuss it, or admit to any affair. She is finally able to recognise it for what it is - emotional and verbal abuse and is planning to leave him imminently. She lost sight of herself and whats best for her kids. This type of abuse chips away at you, undermines you, you get anaethetised to it and you start excusing that person and even thinking you are somehow to blame.

I know your marriage is past this point now and you had alot of IC, but...when I think back, as an outsider, on some of the things Dan has said, texted and done to you, it sort of beggars belief that you would have stayed with him, neverlone still mourn his loss. But its not as simple as that hey, as like my friend, you loved him and were emotionally invested and having young children complicates it. Its been hard for her to let go of the dream and admit that she cant fix it.

My friend is now talking to other woman whose husbands made them feel the way hers has. Shes now putting her energies into understanding herself, her rights, her future, rather than trying to understand him or his major issues (seems to be about his mother, natch). She's slowly coming out of that fog and I hope she can move on with her kids (3 and 4). She has a hard road ahead, but whatever it brings, she deserves better than a lifetime with him.

Some people are just toxic hey, as much as you try to help them and urge them to go to IC or MC (her H flat refused).

Sorry for long story. Love and hugs to you, you're doing well kiddo
Al xxx

[BobbiJo]

Thanks Al! I know I think I still have that 'magical thinking' or denial thing way strong in me...I have this way of experiencing something bad and then in a matter of hours/days I turn it all around in my head.

It can be good, as my son said last month, "Mommy how can you always take something bad and make it into something good??"

But it can also be bad. I can be upset remembering the times Dan chewed me out for accusing him of cheating and making me into the crazy paranoid bad guy. ME, his wife, mother of his kids, lover and supposed best friend???

But then I will think of the time he had 20 freaternity brothers serenade me when he proposed, and of the time we spend 5 yrs ago in Mexico lounging on the beach and genuinely enjoying being together...and I focus on the good and forget the bad.

I always said I had the grudge factor of a gnat, I just don't hold on to thing that hurt me. But yet in this case I know I should...

[kat727]

Maybe we should rub off on each other a bit. I have this great memory and it remembers hurts and wrongs like crazy. I have a (slight) grudge on a girl that got me in trouble when I was eight for crying out loud and then of course K had to deal with the hurt I held on to for 28 years. (I did let go of that one as I really worked it through). I always say it takes a bit to get my Irish temper up, but once it is watch out!

You should remember how much Dan has lied to you and let him go.

kat

[ImprovedRomeo]

I always said I had the grudge factor of a gnat, I just don't hold on to thing that hurt me. But yet in this case I know I should...

I'm the same way...and I like it. We're all allocated a finite amount of time in our lives, gotta make everyday worth living. Holding a grudge bogs you down from moving forward. Sure I have moments where I feel angry but it usually only lasts minutes...then it's back to the present!

I think the biggest reason for my feeling anger and hurt is from DD's perspective. She wants us to be together so bad and I wish with every fiber of my existence I could somehow make it happen for her but the sad reality is that I can't.

[BobbiJo]

I always said I had the grudge factor of a gnat, I just don't hold on to thing that hurt me. But yet in this case I know I should...

I'm the same way...and I like it. We're all allocated a finite amount of time in our lives, gotta make everyday worth living. Holding a grudge bogs you down from moving forward. Sure I have moments where I feel angry but it usually only lasts minutes...then it's back to the present!

I think the biggest reason for my feeling anger and hurt is from DD's perspective. She wants us to be together so bad and I wish with every fiber of my existence I could somehow make it happen for her but the sad reality is that I can't.

This gets me too. Both of my kids are very open that they want their mommy and daddy back together. I hate that i can't fix that by myself, but I can't.

Last night Nathan was up sick w/the flu and he was talking to me about his dad again. That his dad yells at him a lot and it makes him feel bad, that after basketball games last fall his dad would yell at him in the car for not doing a better job. He said his dad is mad a lot and it makes his time with him 'not fun'. He went so far as to say he wished he had more time with me and less w/his dad bc 'dad gets mad a lot'.

UGH! I don't want to throw his dad under the bus but I did acknowledge his feelings. And reinforced for him that his dad's anger is one of the reasons he doesn't live here anymore...and it helped remind me that I don't want THIS Dan back, anyway, bc it would be miserable living with such an angry miserable person day in day out.

I heard something on the radio tonight on my way home from my date...

It was a call in show and the woman was talking about her on again off again boyfriend and how nothing she did was ever good enough, she tried to please/appease him, etc.

And the host said, "You need to understand something. You are never going to please him. It does not matter what you do. He actually does not WANT you to please him...his anger and judgement of you is his way to control you."

I have heard it before in similar words but that really got to me. Especially bc I think of it not only in terms of me, but my kids. I want them to understand it is not their job to twist themselves in knots to please their dad...

[BeginningAgain]

I heard something on the radio tonight on my way home from my date...

And how did the date go??? Hopefully well!

I am in somewhat of the same boat as you in that the woman I am seeing has a custody schedule that doesn't line up well with mine so we are only able to get together once every couple of weeks. We are contemplating ways that we can rectify this problem, but each of our schedules are the way they are for very valid kid reasons. For now we just enjoy the times we are able to have together.

BA

[BobbiJo]

Our date went really well.

We met at a newly redeveloped section of Omaha, it used to be a racetrack and fairgrounds and now it is a two story gym, movie theater, bakery, restaurant, lounge retail complex....

We saw The Dilemma. He paid for tickets, he suggested we split a popcorn and I offered to pay for it. So we got popcorn and drinks. Went in and they showed hot dogs on the preview, 3 for $3. He thought that was a good deal (neither of us had eaten dinner) and asked if I would eat one if he got them. I said sure cause I was starving! Anyway he came back laughing bc they were each like 3 inches long...maybe not such a good deal!

So anyway the movie was really funny. At least for me bc I love me some Vince Vaughn... he laughed a lot too and there was an 80 yr old couple behind us giving LOUD running commentary so we laughed at them and the movie.

Thirty minutes into the movie he put down the popcorn and held my hand. I realize we are moving at middle school pace here but I liked it.

After the movie we walked across the steet to a lounge. We each ordered a beer and sat in the corner, wound up talking for 2 hours. I really feel comfortable talking to him and I am enjoying getting to know him better...

He walked me to my car and we chatted for a minute. I have no clue what I am supposed to do at that point! I mean we meet up so we are not in the same car, which means we wind up standing outside my car (he always walks me to my car which I think is sweet) on a public street... So as I said we stood there another minute and then another big hug goodbye as we have done the past couple times.

So I realize I totally gave a play by play. Guess it is obvious I like him. I mean as much as you can like someone you have gone out with a handful of times and haven't kissed yet.

[BobbiJo]

This is unrelated but kinda related...it doesn't matter but as I am trying to observe objectively I find it interesting...

Two Wednesdays ago Dan had a customer in town or some conflict I cannot remember exactly--it was his day w/kids. He texted me offering me the chance to keep them, or he would let his parents. I said thanks but I have plans...and left it at that.

Then this time he was supposed to go to a meeting on Wednesday and he told me on the phone (which reminds me he has been calling a crap-ton lately) Tuesday. I said, "Well I would love to help but I can't keep them past six bc I have places to be"...

Both kids have been sick most of the week, Sydney missed school all but Weds and should have been home then! I tried to send her but her fever came back that evening.

Anyway I had Nathan's asthma nebulizer machine, Dan had run it over the night before. So as I left the house I texted Dan that I was headed to a movie and the nebulizer was in my entry if he wanted it.

I think he has figured out I am seeing someone. Lo and behold he texted three times and then called me Weds night. And then called me six times yesterday when I was home with [censored]. How many times can you call to check on a kid when you haven't called that much ever before when she was sick??

Anyway his ow must be busy or he is bored or something bc his contact has ratcheted up in the past week.

I am trying to keep on his good side bc I requested that we flip-flop our scheduled weekends with the kids. Partly bc I need certain weekends free to travel to speech contests with the kids I coach, but also partly so HG and I have the same free weekends. I want to get that settled first and then I will be better about nipping his random phone calls in the bud...