2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hi Autan,

I could not have said it better. In fact you summarized what most of our X spouses are like.

Actually my X did have a couple of EAs just before she dropped the bomb. I remember confronting her and got the standard "we are just friends". More than likely there was an PA that I just did not know about.

Ya, you never know what will happen. For us, my X and I are travelling in opposite circles and I don't think we could ever be able to be a couple again. My X has this independence right now that quite frankly I find so unattractive.

Really, my heart is broken more that we are not a family and not for my X. She really is someone completely different than the person I married. To tell you the truth so am I. If my X and I met now we would probably have no interest in each other.

All I can do now is just continue to help my kids out. I can see some real pain that they are having. They are just burnt out of all the back and forth between our separate houses and the very different lives they live in each.

Not liking my X at all in this very moment. In fact I am not liking my X's whole family.

Thanks again to everyone who responds to my posts. It means a lot to me.

[Augtan]

Whitney, I know how you feel, I love when people respond to my posts too. How did skiing and the dentist go?

I have many moments when I don't like my XH or anything about him.

My XH is a different person than the one I married, most of the time, but I see the real H emerging more and more. Our X's are completely different and in different places, but the results are the same, hurt kids, hurt us, and so forth. It is not fun and I hate it.

You are a great man and one who will be quite the catch when you are ready, no rush!! Just know that you deserve someone who desires you and wants to be with you!! I am sure you are a hottie and are the talk of the single ladies at your kids school, it will all happen when you are ready.

I too miss being a "family" more than I miss my XH and that is sad to me, although if I remember my true H, I miss him so very much. I love being in his arms and I love him in my bed next to me, I do love him, but I love a "him" that is gone right now and might never return.

I have lots of plans this weekend and can't wait! My XH just texted me, I have had no contact with him for two days, he is thanking me for sending him job posting, since he is out of work and I come across them at my work, so I sent him a couple. I just texted back,"ur welcome, sweet dreams" It is so hard, but necessary to just be short and sweet, and not initiate anything. I am not going to pursue him!

A

[whitneypinch]

Hi Augtan,

I cant tell you how much it means to me to get such a nice note.
This "thing" we are all going through destroys our self-estem. I really appreciate the kind words.

Ya, I took my kids to the dentist today. They have a new dentist and it turned out that we travel in the same circle of friends. She and I hi had lost to talk about.

This weekend I have my kids and we will go indoor rock-climbing one day and try out roller skating the next. It will be lots of fun.

X and I have texted a few times in the last few days but it's just empty. We just say short one liners to each other. Today we asked each other how were were and we both just said good. I am not good, in fact I could not be worse but just answered her that "I am good". It made me feel awful that my best friend, someone I dedicated my life to and that I have a family with just got up one day and became someone else.

Anyway I see my kids tomorrow so that will be good. I will go to my kids school to and go skating with my daughter in her gyms class.

[yrsofhurt]

Hey Whitney,

I know what you mean about the X's parents. I was actually very close to his family, but when X decided he was not happy, although they were hurt about our separation, they wanted him to be happy above all else.

My X wanted to see our son today, so I had to see X tonight. I hate it when he comes in the house acting so happy and carefree, while I am struggling to keep my composure, and ACT carefree.

I too, like Augtan and you, miss having my family. I have such a small family as it is, and loosing my X and his family has left such a void. They still include me in big events, and even call sometimes, but I can't help but think if they had objected more to what their son was doing, he might have stopped.

It is so hurtful to think of your X with someone else. I know we are divorced according to the law, but according to my heart I am still married. It is torture that no one should have to endure. I have been trying to do 'thought stopping', whenever the vision of him and the OW, come to mind. It does help, but I have a feeling it won't be long until I am face to face with their relationship that can now be out in the open. Its highly likely that their are several relationships he is in now. He, like your X, Whitney, has many things going for him. He is handsome, very fit, intelligent, and charming, and always ready to 'help' someone, esp. exgirlfriends, new girl friends ect.ect.

Interesting thought about if we were just meeting our X'a now. It would be hard for me to be interested in a man who was unfaithful, and left their child. I am sure he tries to keep that as quiet as possible. Unlike you all, I cannot say with certainty that my X has really changed. I think I just didn't want to acknowledge the character deficits. Sadly, this is the father of my son. It breaks my heart that my son has to pay the price. And it makes me sad and mad when I read the price your children are having to pay too.

Did either of you read the book, Between Two Worlds? Don't go buy it. It is difficult to read in that it is sad what this study exposes about what it is like for children to go back and forth between parents. The benefit to reading it is the awareness of what children of divorce may experience. I did get my X to read some of it before he moved out, and I could tell it hit home with his own experience, but that didn't curtail his desire for going on with his plans to leave.

I am so sorry for all of us, and especially our children. I hope that we can help them avoid intentional pain. I hope I can teach my son to make choices differently than I did. Just because the outside of the package looks good, doesn't mean the inside is good.

I am sorry we find ourselves here, but it sure is good to have others who understand.

[whitneypinch]

YOH,

Yep, I read the book Between Two Worlds !! I gave it to my X about a year after we split and she turned around and gave it back to me the next day (not read of course).
My kids are experiencing "Between Two Worlds" 100%. In fact my kids get it worse than most. My kids live with two extremes.
My X lives in a big house in one of the most affluent neighbourhoods in all of the country. I live in a more downtown area. My kids go to the country club with my X and more cultural things with me.
My daughter summed it up best once. She said "daddy takes us to cool things and mommy takes us to fancy things"
I do see the tole it is taking on my kids living between these two worlds though.

I study culture trends as part of my profession. I am hyper sensitive to all the change that is happening with our throw-away culture. I just never thought I would be part of it.

I have not had to face my ex being with anyone yet. Of course she hides it well.
But naturally I will have to deal with that.

Time to go to bed... or at least "try" to get some sleep. Have not had a good night of sleep since my X left.....

Night all

[christienick]

whitney - its been so many years - why do you think she hide the identity of the guy(s) shes with...?

[whitneypinch]

To tell you the truth I have no idea at all of my X's status.
I know she likes to date and has done some dating since we have split.

[christienick]

she's never introduced any guys to the kids, so thats good. im sure you have had to done some to. at the risk of being inappropriate, no one goes for three years without fooling around some. not neccesarily a bad thing as long as everyone is on the same page

[whitneypinch]

Ha ha ha,
I have not fooled around with anyone.

Oh I am sure my X has had lots !

[Augtan]

I am cracking up!! I have fooled around with a few, not lately, but sometime ago. Had a 26 yr old lately who I dated for a few weeks, he wanted to get married and have a baby, this factory is closed!! I knew if I slept with him, I would be addicted, so I ended it!!

Whitney, I am convinced that you are super hot, not that that means you should "fool around", but you might consider it as a possiblilty! LOL!! Don't know many men who don't like gettin some now and then, but I guess they are out there, just not in my world...

I, whether good or bad, have a lot of good s*x with XH, it was never an issue in our M! We just very much connect that way. I can't imagine a marriage without it and yet I know there are many.

On a more serious subject....I am crazy about who is around and in my kids lives, so Whitney, you are lucky she hasn't brought men around the kids. I think that says a lot about her. My XH knows that I will not allow his crack a** who*es around my kids, but has tried and even made my kids lie about it, which I posted about before.

I just had a very profound conversation with D18 and she said "mom, if he loved you, he would be with you" and although I agree with her to a point, what an 18 year old knows about love is so limited and really it is so much more complicated that that. She said "Mom, he has no job, he can move here and if he really loved you he would" Again, I agree, but his demons are so deep, he just can't get there. No excuses, just the way it is. Sad...really, really sad!!

I am in a weird and very honest mood tonight..

A