2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hi YOH,

I LOVE your postas it summed up so much of what I am feeling now.
I swear I may lift some of what you wrote and send it to my X when the time is right
In the 3 years I have been split from my X I have not laid into her once. Being nice, compassionate and caring was one of my 180s.
I have a sense that we are going to have a blow out soon. I no longer have anything to lose.

I am just about to see the new Sophia Coppola movie "Somewhere".
It's about an actor's relationship with his daughter and the emptiness of fame.

So yes, today is a bit better.
Thanks so much for checking in on me.
Hope you have a better weekend.

[whitneypinch]

Sorry for all the typos in my last post. My iPhone makes posting a bit of a challenge.

[whitneypinch]

So, this weekend my kids were with my X.
They went skiing with her for the first time ever.
I have been the one skiing with the kids and teaching them for the last 4 years. Only recently have both the kids become proficient enough to ski with my X alone.

I had a feeling I would hear from them and sure enough the kids video Skyped me at dinner last night. They were excited to tell me all about skiing, which was great.
My X also got on the video conference to tell me about skiing, new movies and where her parents were going out to dinner last night etc. We all sat they and ate our dinner together through the video call.

It was a nice call with the kids but left me feeling very bitter. My X just acts like nothing is the matter and this is all fine. He attitude is "oh well, our marriage just did not work out, just make the best of it".

Does this bitterness I am feeling go away?

[christienick]

whitney - you must be dating someone.

[whitneypinch]

Are you suggesting I "need" to be dating someone?
I honestly don't have the energy to do that at this moment.

[christienick]

no - just wondered what your girlfriend thinks about this circus - its likely keeping you off the market to a lot of women who would want to go out with you. if you dont want to, fine - just sayin....

[whitneypinch]

Ha ha, thanks for that.

The truth is once that I am ready to date and meet someone there will be NO turning back.

[yrsofhurt]

Hey Whitney,

I just wrote a very long reply, but lost it somehow. I will try to redo the jest of what I said.

It boils down to either they are somewhat confused still and that is why they give us mixed signals, or their hearts are so hardened, that they are simply unconcerned about our feelings. I guess it could even be both depending on the moment.

I try to put myself in their place, but whenever I was done with a relationship, I didn't want to talk, or see the person. I know that when I reached the place that the relationship was over, I did not give the person any reason to believe differently.

Maybe it is wishful thinking that the X's are confused. Maybe they are like they are only because of the children. If so, how good of them to think about getting along with us for their sake, when they were so unconcerned what they were doing to the kids in the first place.

off the subject. I need to go for a while. Is there anyway to save what we are writing so we can come back to it?

Whatever they are doing, it appears to be for their own good only.

[whitneypinch]

Ya, I have to agree with what you are saying.

I think for my X it's all those things you suggest. She wants us to be friendly and says she thinks of me as family (just different), she wants the kids to see that we all get a long great and I also think her heart has hardened.

Ultimately I believe we have been brainwashed to be the "me generation" and that "I" should be happy no matter what. In fact my X said to me "life is too long to be unhappy". She then said "I don't need you" as she walked out the door.

Taking my kids to the dentist tomorrow. I work from home so I am able to do that. Friday is ski day at my daughters school so I get to ski with her. Yeh !

So sorry that you lost all that you had written. I have had that happen as well.
If I am going to write a lot I do it in MS Word and then copy and paste. That way I have a copy.

Yep, it's just for their own good !

[Augtan]

I talk all the time about the "instant gratification" stuff...hate it! It is all about "what can you do for me RIGHT NOW and this doesn't feel good RIGHT NOW, so I am not going to do it even if it is for the betterment of all, or it is the right thing to do in the long run for the kids or otherwise!!"

I know my XH is caught up in this so very much, I mean why else would you do the things he has done to our kids and not think there would be huge issues and consequences. He never sees the consequences until it is too late, then he says to me "you're right, I should have thought about that" or "I just didn't think that through and yes, now I know it was a bad choice and wrong, but what am I suppose to do now, it's over and done with" But, I always have a long discussion with my kids about it, cause I don't want them to think it is ever okay to do what he has done. And, because I forgive him it doesn't mean that I am okay with what he did or does, it is about me when I forgive him.

I hate the choices these people have made and how easily they made them, although I know what drives it and what is causing it, it doesn't excuse it. I know who my XH was before the ET took over his mind, but he is a 44 year old man, and should know right from wrong no matter what your thoughts are telling you.

I went through a mid-mom crisis around 34 yrs old, I got married early and had kids early so it came early. I had an EA with my high school boyfriend, it devestated my XH, I never even considered a PA or leaving my XH in reality, at times I fantazied about being out the "the box" of my life, but my logical side would take over and I would tell myself "is this really worth losing all I have; a loving H, great kids, beautiful house, the security of our 15 year relationship, etc." I always came up with "no, it isn't worth it, I have never lived with this man, I have no clue if we could make it long term, why would I lose it all for something I have no idea is good or not, just cause it is fun and exciting to have someone else notice me and say he wants me" My XH wasn't capable of pulling himself into reality when he had his EA/PA!! He didn't come from the family I do and had no one but me he felt accountable to, he doesn't believe in God and had no family. He knew I would be upset, but he would have the OW to make that better, so he went for what felt good. It isn't an excuse but it is what he did and it [censored]!!

OW is gone, which I told him over and over would happen, and I have asked him several times if it was worth all the destruction and he says "no", but for some reason can't just come home and fix it now. Maybe someday, but he just hates himself too much and is afraid I will eventually go back to "hating" him again and make his life miserable, he just doesen't trust I have let it go. That is my opinion, and it is not at all fun. I can't tell him anymore that I have let it go, he has to realize it on his own and only TIME will do that.

Whitney, I know your XW didn't have an affair, but she did the same thing in her mind where she wants to live in her perfect little world with freedom to do as she pleases, I know you say she will never hit "rock bottom" cause she is beautiful and has all the money she needs, but you just never know what it might be for her. Hang in there and continue to do what you are doing, cause what you did before didn't work, and what you do different now might not work either, but it might, with these nut cases you just never know!!

A