This weekend was interesting. As she works just down the road from me and we both work quite a ways from our home, we carpool to work 3 days a week. So Friday she picks me up from work, and she is not feeling well. We go home and have dinner, and its 7pm by now. I busy myself with some things while she "rests" on the couch. I stay away from her until pretty late. We sit and watch the late news, then go to bed.
Saturday - I work, then have an hour long appt from 2 to 3. Come home and she has the house spic and span (not her greatest strength). I could tell she had been busting her hump all day cleaning. She was also in a very good mood. Very talkative, kidding around, laughing, etc. I said "Somebody has been busy today - looks really nice" and went about my business. I chopped some wood, started a nice fire in the fireplace (she loves that) and did a mixture of some chores, and some hobby type stuff. Even though she said she still did not feel well, she was very upbeat. Sometimes, even kind of flirty. At one point I was sitting on the couch (the opposite end of her) which is normal anymore, and she laid down for a quick nap. She curled up and put her feet against my thighs. Now she hasn't done this in months. Hasn't made any contact with me other than curling up next to me in bed. She wakes in about 30 min, and more of the same - very, very friendly and upbeat. Playful, even. We have a very good day, and then she goes to get ready for bed while I wrap things up.
Now, for whatever reason, I decide to check the phone records really quick. I am thinking maybe she is in a good mood because she has quit having contact with OM. WRONG! I see that while I was at my appt, she had a 25 min phone conversation. Well that sure turned my day around in a hurry. But, didn't act any different and went up and went to bed.
Sunday - got up and started getting ready to paint upstairs hallway. It looked terrible. She was laid off for the entire second half of the year and was supposed to do it. I got tired of waiting. She said she feels really bad, but doesn't offer to help any. While I am scoping things out, she comes up and asks what I am doing. I explained what I was thinking about trim, colors, etc. She says, whatever you decide is fine - we'll be alright. I'm sure she must have misspoke, or something. Maybe just said it out of habit, like she does when she calls me "hon", or "babe" (which is pretty common). Anyway, I ignore it, and go about painting.
Go out for dinner with our kids, and my sister and her daughter. Again, my sister is the closest friend my W has. So, this is a good thing for her. We have a really nice dinner, conversation (although pretty superficial) and had a nice little get together. Rest of the evening went pretty well, also.
Today I don't have to work, but she does. Before she leaves, she makes several comments: make sure you have a nice day, have fun on your day off, if you need anything - call me, etc. After the last two days, and except for the phone call to the OM, if I didn't know better, I'd swear we weren't heading for a divorce. But I do know better.
I've been reading a couple of books, and one deals specifically with infidelity (emotional and physical). So now I know all the reason WHY they happen, and what you should do to prevent them, or even after they happen. Nothing about what to do WHILE they are happening. In fact, they all say about the same thing - the more the betrayed spouse tries to do anything, the worse the results. They have a life of their own, and it's separate from reality and from everything except for the two people involved. It's them against the world, and they are highly protective of their little secret life. TDR even says to do nothing, don't ask, don't spy, don't dig, don't even act concerned. It's really hard!
I know deep inside, that this EA will never last. And I also now know that my wife still loves me, but that her feelings are buried very deep. I also believe that at some point, my wife will crash and burn (most likely NEEDS to), and will want to think about getting back together. Wonder if it will be too late by then? Wonder if I will have moved on already.
I am sending you big hugs... I know the EA can be very hard to ignore. And you wonder every moment if she is talking to the OM or whatever. It really hurts.
One thing I will say IMHO, if you have to tell your kids about the D I would not recommend telling them about the OM. At this point things are still up in the air. You do not know for sure that that is what is going on. You can assume it and it does really sound like it but there has been no real proof.
If you tell your kids you might not get the reaction you are expecting. She is their mom and kids, young or old, look at their parents differently then how we as the spouse do. Kids are very perceptive and pick up on all sorts of things we think they are not noticing. They notice.
Anyways, that is JMO. Hope youu can figure out what is best for this sitch.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Not a good nite last nite. Started with W wanting to talk about a divorce mediator. Seems her lawyer isn't moving fast enough for her. She wants this to get moving now. I did ask her if in an effort to make sure that everything possible was done, would she consider counseling. She said it would not make any difference, she does not want to be married to me anymore and hasn't for a very long time. She did say she would do it, but emphasized it would not make any difference. She was very angry for almost the whole conversation, which lasted about an hour and a half.
I kind of backslid a little. I remained calm and didn't let her get me going, even though she was raising her voice, swearing, etc. But I just couldn't get myself to agree with what she was saying. I would disagree with her statements, because they just were not true. For instance she insisted many times that we have talked about divorce and knew this was coming all along. I said that's not true. WE haven't discussed it. But it didn't matter what the subject was - she was all over the map - I mostly was trying to refute what she was saying. I know that's not what I was supposed to be doing.
She accused me of being a control freak over and over. So, obviously this is something that she views in me and doesn't like. But I just don't get it. She has never had more freedom than she does right now. Basically, she has no one to answer to and basically is free to do whatever she wants. I simply asked (before things went bad) that she let me know if she was gonna do something outside her normal schedule, so that I could plan for it. I thought that was reasonable. I didn't ask her to check in or ask permission. Just be courteous and let me know if you were going to be late or if something changed.
She said I am controlling even with text messages. I asked her to explain. She said that I do not answer her right away when she texts me, and that I do that just to control her. I asked her if she realized I was at work, at not always able to answer right away. Yesterday, when I left I told her "just so you can plan your afternoon, I have to work until 7:30. So at 4pm she texts me and says "still 7:30"?" Well I was busy and couldn't answer until almost 7. She was FURIOUS! Again, I did that just to control her. I honestly don't get it. She really wasn't very rational, which was one reason I had a hard time trying to agree with what she was saying.
As far as her EA, she kept saying that they were just friends. I would say no, you are not. It is obvious that you are more than that. Nobody texts or calls that much, or works so hard to conceal what they doing for just friends. Her answer was that she didn't want me to accuse her of doing something she wasn't. THEN, later in the conversation she told me they have done nothing physically. She said that he was just a real nice gentleman, and he had several girlfriends that he was involved with. But they were not involved romantically, because he was married for 25 years, and doesn't believe in cheating or affairs or being involved with married women. But he IS involved with a married woman - YOU! I answered. She said we just talk. But, she says that she will probably start dating him after our divorce is final, and when he is available. I just don't see how I can win this one. The best possible outcome that I see is that she leaves, has her relationship which she sees as being pure and perfectly legitimate because they didn't do anything physical until after she was divorced. That would have to then crash and burn, and only then would she MAYBE think about coming back - at which point I'm honestly not sure I could agree to. She seems so angry and focused on this happening, but the things she says and does have me completely confused to whether this is something she really, really wants to do.
I am gonna make some calls today and try to locate a solution based counselor in the area that will see us asap. I really don't think it will make much difference right now as she is intent on chasing this "dream". She admitted to me that she wants that head over heels feeling, but she also said she thinks that she should feel that way all the time. Told me she hadn't felt that way about me since a few years after our marriage. Go figure.
After a really good weekend, this kind of caught me by surprise. The roller coaster ride continues.
I know deep inside, that this EA will never last. And I also now know that my wife still loves me, but that her feelings are buried very deep. I also believe that at some point, my wife will crash and burn (most likely NEEDS to), and will want to think about getting back together. Wonder if it will be too late by then? Wonder if I will have moved on already.
I beg the same question.....
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
You know, if I didn't know better - sometimes I'd swear that my wife and I had a great marriage. When she is not telling me how much she loves me, but is not IN love with me, and how she hasn't loved me in YEARS, and she wants to be head over heels in love with someone else, and - well you get the idea - we have pleasant conversation (although very superficial) laugh at stuff together, and in general you just wouldn't know that we were having any problems. Which, of course, makes this all the more difficult.
There are times when she is very mean, and not very rational. I think that she is manufacturing this anger as a way to make it easier for her to justify her decision about leaving - like she wants to make sure she can say hey, we just don't get along. It's like she is almost a different person. And then the very next day she is acting like normal, even doing nice things for me. I believe this is just a conflict avoidance mechanism. That as much as she wants out - she also doesn't want to discuss or argue over anything. So here I have a woman who one minute is purposely trying to create friction (which I try and not let happen), and then a woman who doesn't want to have to deal with an uncomfortable issue or situation. Again, confuses the heck out of me.
I read another thread earlier where the poster said the loneliness was the worst thing. For me, the worst thing is watching someone you love careen around life in danger of going right into the ditch. And knowing you cannot do anything to change it. All the while your marriage and family hang in the balance. Thats the toughest thing for me - her decision doesn't affect just her. That would be one thing. But it affects a whole network of people - me, kids, in-laws, common friends, etc.
Just thinking out loud and had to get some things off my chest!
Well, got served my papers today. This after she agreed to a last chance counseling try and if it didn't work, divorce mediation. Instead, I'm now being sued for divorce. Nice.
Got home from work and she went for a run. Gone about 30-40 minutes. Gets home and after about 5 min, goes upstairs. A few seconds later, the door bell rings. Served. As I walk upstairs she asked me who it was. I told her she didn't have to be mad at her lawyer anymore, I just got the papers. She says "what? I'm surprised." Then a minute later - "I'm sorry - I didn't know".
Even though I knew this might be coming, it sure did take my breath away. I acted real hard to look like it didn't bother me, but I swear I was one second away from a panic attack!
Worse part is this came after a great weekend. We did a few things together, went shopping together, she did a few nice, considerate things for me (guilt?), we had a really, really nice weekend. Then this. Ouch.
I'm sorry 27. Keep your head up. It sounds like you handled it well considering.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Heh 27, I am so sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Stay focused and hang in there.
I may need your expertise and wisdom down the road if my wife takes the same path your's did. I always wonder when my wife does something nice if its because she feels guilty. I almost prefer it when she doesn't do anything for me.
