2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hi Augtan,

I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through. I believe all of us on this forum can feel for you, hear you and understand completely.

This all [censored] !!

Unfortunately you know the answer. You know you are not going to get relief or understanding form your X.

Just know that all of us on here care about what you are going through.

Vent as much as you can on here.

(((all of us)))

[Augtan]

Thanks so much Whitney!! I needed to know that!! I feel so alone sometimes! You are right, X doesn't care about my problems!!

He did just call me back and we talked nice...he has no job and no prospects (he made pretty good money at an executive level and those jobs are hard to find)! We both have a lot on our plates and D18 isn't helping. I did again offer for him to come up here and live at my condo, I can live at my parents house, they are in Florida for the next 4 months. One household is much cheaper to run than two, but XH won't do it, he values his friends there more than his kids here! I told him not to respond to me and to think it all through and weigh the pros and cons...he said he would, but he won't! It is just sad!

Thanks again for all your support!! It means more than you know to me!!

A

[whitneypinch]

I am so glad I could help in a small way. That is why we are all here.

This form has been a fantastic support to me as well.

[MynameisMZ]

AugTan,

You came to my new thread and offered help. I wondered where you went...now I know. Sorry you are going through this.

I've been skipping around this site tonight (it's 3:30AM) because I can't sleep. I found a cool place here with a collection of some great posts.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...484#Post1757484

I think from reading that I'd want to ask you what your goal is...

I'm out here thinking of you.

Best,
MZ

[Augtan]

Wow, thanks so much MZ!! I will read that later, I have a paper due tomorrow and need to get back to it asap! I went back and read some of your situation, your piecing your marriag after an A and MLC, right? I wish you all the best and hope you can make it through all this! I am on the MLC boards a lot too! I would love to hear about your discovery of the A, as mine is quite a story too, which does involve jail!! I don't know what my goal is, I would like to say it is to move on and be over all this, happy with a man who loves me and is healthy enough to do so, who I love and respect back just as much, but I still pray daily that XH will want to come home and be a family with us again!!

Today, was a weird day with XH. We are still having issues with D18 so we talked and IM'd a few times. As I have posted on here before, XH and I have never stopped ML through all of this crap. I know it is different, but we have great s*x and enjoy it. Well, this last time I have sworen to myself will be the last time because of things he said to me in relation to OW#2 that was so awful and hurtful to me. But, he apologized for it and says they are just friends and D18 had confirmed that she isn't around anymore. I still want to have better boundries and need to make that one of them. Today on the IM he said he was going to get in the shower to get warm cause he was cold, I said that I wished I was there and I could warm him up right, he said I wouldn't want his cold hands all over me right then, I said that I loved his hands all over me warm or cold and some other flirty, sexy things, he replied just as flirty and then I ended it. He called me twice since then about D18 and has texted me too, nothing major, but we are getting along good. This was happening before Thanksgiving and I messed it up, I don't want to do that this time, and for some reason feel like I could take it or leave it and like this feeling. I am not going to be the one to initiate all the flirting. I know he wants to come up here soon, I just need to stay strong and let him prusue me, I doubt he will, but I am not going to accept anything less, if he wants any form of an R with me he will go after it.

Just needed to update and vent, this time I don't feel as desperate or that feeling like I want to hear from him or I am going to have an anxiety attack! I feel secure and good, not as "stuck" when it comes to this part of it all anyway, I still have my anger and resentment of all he has done, but that too is going away little by little!!

A

[Augtan]

Ok, XH is coming up here tomorrow night, D18 convinced him to drive her up here and fly back, so he will be here for just one night, and will stay at my house. I have to have strength not to let him in my bed...I will just continue to remind myself of the hurtful thing he said and I hope I will have the strength, I really think I will cause I just feel so much stronger.

So, now I just have to make sure there is no R talk, no anger, no pushing him or questions or comments about OW#2 at all!! I am going to keep strong boundries and be business like, yet fun at the same time. Pray for me!

A

[yrsofhurt]

Dear Whitney,

I hope the plan for distance is still in the works for you. Not for me, and the need for distance is greater than ever.

My son slipped, and told me about a visit to XH's OW's house. This was a stipulation I had during our divorce proceedings, that he would not take our son any where around this person. It was unrealistic to believe due to the fact that she is everywhere he is, both jobs, one of which he is around both her children. Nevertheless, I was not prepared for XH to take son to her house several times. Appears that visits were not for dates, but to do favors for her. I was livid because he told my son not to tell me.

I called and confronted him, and he admitted that the visits did happen, but that he would never take son on a date. Whatever. Such a disgusting rationalization. He did not admit to "dating" her, nor deny it, but I doubt what they do is date anyway. I didn't know what to be more upset about, the fact that he put our child in such a situation that he had to lie to me, or the fact that he is more than likely continuing to see her. I do know though for a fact that he is doing "favors" for others also, again my son told me. Maybe I should let the OW know.

I was a emotional basketcase, and could not control telling him how hurt I was, and that I had continued to hope he would come home. So much for keeping my distance.

I gently told my son that it was ok to tell the truth and that his father had confessed. Talk about heartbreaking. He then ran upstairs crying, so ashamed for not telling the truth.

I let XH know that I could not continue to see him, and have him in my home anymore. Of course, he said something like "Well I guess you hate me that much", inorder to enlicit a denial from me, and it worked. I denied I hated him, and said I wish I could.

Well, the distance I intended to put between us only worked until the next day. When we did the changing of the guard ( my turn to work), my car would not start. He gladly took over, making the phone calls to tow, he paid for the work, picked me up after work, and I am sad to say it was wonderful to be in a vehicle with all three of us. It was a long ride, made longer by him taking me to pick up my car. We enjoyed our son together, XH was playful with me, complimentary, and for a short time I felt like we were still a family. But, the front door closes with him on one side, and us on the other.

It appears he wants me to continue to be dependant upon him, but for what reason who really knows. I know he is not here, and hasn't been here in over a year. I know our divorce will be a year ago in a few months. And I know other women are dependant upon him also. He just doesn't have to feel so guilty about the other women now.

A friend asked me the other day, "What does he have to do to convince you he is not a good guy, murder someone?" I know my friends and family want me to REALLY move on. But, I look at our son, am reminded by moments like the above how much fun XH can be, and remember how much fuller my life was with him, and the bad things are forgotten.

I guess you have experienced the same things many times over, and finally said enough is enough. I suppose I will have to make myself create distance, because I doubt I will ever really desire it.

I too, have read, and researched effects of divorce on children. I know all that lies ahead. My XH should too, since his parents were divorced, but he thinks he turned out "good enough". I could never get him to read more than a page of the books I bought. Too convicting, and created guilt and doubt in his decision to leave.

Ok, I have gone on way too long, but I so appreciate this place. No one else really understands the day to day struggles that divorce brings.

I know one thing, for the sake of my health, and inorder to be around many years to influence my child, I have to get rid of the stress. I love my child enough to do all I can to stay strong, and create a great home for him. One of his parents needs to be the pillar, and that is me. You are too for your kids, and I hope you are getting to see them this very second.

[whitneypinch]

Hi YOH,

Wow, I don't know how you do it. In a way you are a strong person to be so intertwined with your X.
I kind of tried that and was such a basket case afterwards that I could hardly function.
All of us have different levels of what we can and can't take. I applaud you for what works for you.

It's just awful to see our kids go through all the pain that they do. It's heartbreaking for me to see my kids go through it. I do try to talk to my kids about it as my parents divorced when I was my kids age as well.

Sadly I don't have my kids this weekend and I am absolutely feeling empty and lonely.
Tomorrow my X is taking them skiing for the first time alone. I have been the one skiing alone with my kids for the last 4 years.
My kids and X are all going to be out there having a great time without me. I was the one for 4 years out there teaching my kids to ski and all the hard work that entailed.

I just went out to dinner alone and thought about the life I had with my family and how it just changed 100% one day. For the years we were together I led a very charmed life. Trips all over the world, lived in NYC for a few years, we had a beautiful cottage etc. Now I am out having dinner alone.
Sorry to be so down but it's all part of the roller-coaster.

[yrsofhurt]

Dear Whitney,

The feelings you described last night while at dinner, are the unbearable ones, the ones that make you feel hopeless. When I get to that place, which I am sorry to say is more often than not, I start the blame game. But, I usually blame myself or start finding fault with myself which of course no one is innocent, but we didn't decide that committment was irrelevant, or that what we wanted was more important than the greater good. We didn't decide that what we wanted or felt was more important than our childrens welfare. We didn't decide to lie whether by witholding our thoughts, or lie about where we were, who we were with. We didn't surround ourselves with people who would agree that our choices were understandable, and that you only live once, and might as well do whatever you want to do.

We may have been wrong about many things during our marriages, but we were willing to try to make it better. They were willing to create chaos, pain, and lifetime problems for our children, and other people in our families. Not only our families, but our friends, our co-workers were affected because we became different people. I couldn't hide the tears, the devesation that my XH created.

I know I sound angry too, but it makes me so angry that all of us here, are left to pick up the pieces for ourselves and our children. It is going to take time and a ton of glue to put us back together, and it seems we will always have a missing piece.

Can I just say that today I hate them all, and hope they rot. And that goes for the others that were involved with them too.

Talk about emotional rollercoaster. One day I am crying, the next day throwing things. I hope you are doing better today, but it has to be harder when you don't have your children. I am only without mine when I am working a couple of days in a row, and then I am so tired that it is nice to just come home and rest. I wish you could see yours more, and I hope the time goes by quickly until you do.

[Augtan]

yrs-

My XH forced my kids to lie to me about OW's as well. The worst was when my D11 who was 9 at the time came home from 3 weeks with XH, I picked her up at the airport and took her to lunch at her favorite place, we were sitting there and she said "mommy, can I talk to you in the bathroom" I was like, "what's wrong, just tell me here" She refused so we went in the bathroom and there she said "mommy, my heart hurts sooo much, I just can't take it anymore, Daddy made me meet OW (she said her name) and told me not to tell you, that you would be mad at him and at me, but I can't lie to you and it is hurting my heart too much" I just grabbed her and held her really tight and told her "I would never, ever be mad at you for that, that is Daddy's fault he did that to you, not yours, I love you very much and you are just a little girl, your heart doesn't have to hurt anymore, I am not at all upset with you" We went back and enjoyed our lunch.

But, there are many other things he has done, could type all day, that has destroyed HIS relationship with HIS kids!! It is all about him and what he wants to do (or it was, he has gotton so much better since that OW and OW#2 are gone), but those things he did will forever effect our kids and have changed how they view him forever, and it is beyond sad!!

I have an even worse story about how he made D17 lie to me too, but again it involves an OW. I understand your pain with this, I fought to keep and will forever fight to keep horrible, awful, nasty, bad influence, bad morals, woman away from my kids, if he ever wants to chose a woman who is decent, we will talk about her meeting the kids, but so far both have lost custody of their kids, have no contact with their kids, have broken up marriages, beat their kids, drink way too much, sleep with many, many men in front of their kids, etc. They are just not people I will accept and I have the power to keep them away and I will. Not everyone can do that, and if they can't then the conversations with the kids needs to be very open and honest about morals and right from wrong. This is all just my opinion, of course.

A