I apologize if I've missed it, but I've been reading through and trying to find your wife's complaints. What's so appealing about her exH? You met in a single's group--what pulled you two together?
You mentioned you drifted apart over the years...if you were to drift in her direction, what would you have to do?
Hi Pickle, I apologize if I've missed it, but I've been reading through and trying to find your wife's complaints. What's so appealing about her exH? You met in a single's group--what pulled you two together? You mentioned you drifted apart over the years...if you were to drift in her direction, what would you have to do?
Circumstances brought us together. Honestly, looking back I don't know what drew her to me, besides chemistry. I was 31 she 29, We seemed both ready to settle down. I was successful, confident but shy - still am to a degree. Life takes a toll and I've had my own midlife transition, but never dreamed things could get like this.
If I knew what would make her drift in my direction I would jump right on it. She's definately struggling with age. Depression has been in her family: cousin, mother, brother, I can think of right off the bat. The past year she's been, I cannot really describe it, a real bitch, to a point where I even fantasized D finding someone else to fill the void myself, but it was always fantasy, and then, you know what happens to a man when.....
To me it seems she came right out of the blue with the D bomb, when I fully and totally expected her to be the one to give me the ultimatum to do MC or retrouvaille. Said we've been living like roommates. Sh!t, I used to have fun with my roommates!
The catalyst was definately her exH seeking her out over the internet. She resisted at first, but after a couple of months caved and was drawn into an EA. He's married 10 yrs with a S6 and apparently unhappy so he went trolling.
Now she obviously thinks she's better off single and available for more romance, but I am the obstacle to those dreams. I can only draw her back if she realizes there's something worth salvaging, like protecting S11 from the trauma of D. Her own mother did the same to her and younger brother at about the same age, which she despises her mother for. So I Don't understand how she could be seduced by all this.
Over the past few weeks she's put more distance between us in spite of my LTR's 180's and GAL, but I get the sense that is a result of more internal conflict. Things are gonna come to a head soon: she'll either file and force a D down my throat or have second thoughts, but things are not going to go on the present way much longer. I'm just detaching and waiting.
The only thing I have going for me right now is that OM is 500 miles away and she cannot afford the time or $ to make further trips. It has to fizzle out if he remains with his W and S.
SO that leaves her MLC, stuck in a tunuel with me trying to draw her out into the real world. I am open to suggestions.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
People often do the thing they hate most, they thing they think they would never do. It doesn't make it ok, but it makes us human. Coming back around full circle can be a strong act of love.
Detaching and waiting MIGHT be enough.
Protecting her children from the same trauma she had MIGHT work, but if she has a brain fog going, it might take more than that. What things do you think you could do that would make you a more attractive option?
Having fun is a strong 'bonding' agent. What activities have you two done together in the past that were a lot of fun? Or what is 'out there' that you two never did together, but always wanted to do?
Howa re other thigngs going for you--job etc--again I apologize if I missed it...I will go back and read again as well.
People often do the thing they hate most, they thing they think they would never do. It doesn't make it ok, but it makes us human. Coming back around full circle can be a strong act of love.
Detaching and waiting MIGHT be enough.
Protecting her children from the same trauma she had MIGHT work, but if she has a brain fog going, it might take more than that. What things do you think you could do that would make you a more attractive option?
Having fun is a strong 'bonding' agent. What activities have you two done together in the past that were a lot of fun? Or what is 'out there' that you two never did together, but always wanted to do?
Howa re other thigngs going for you--job etc--again I apologize if I missed it...I will go back and read again as well.
After 18 years of marriage, there were a lot of fun times we shared together. Mostly those were times in the company of friends and family, like parties, vacations, get-togethers, sporting events.
When it comes to one on one with only me, we only dated ten months before the wedding and it seemed like a whirlwind, our destiny, I’ve found my soul mate kind of thing. We were happy just planning and nest building, shopping, watching TV, being around each other, nothing extra special. It was enough or so it seemed to me at least. But she always seemed to have the most fun in a group setting and that’s the way it’s been to this very day.
I cannot think off the top of my head anything we always wanted to do together but never got around to. Funny thing: we always wanted a pool, and this past summer in the midst of her EA she initiated that endeavor almost on impulse; I went along even though it put us further debt. Perhaps there’s a communication breakdown there, we haven’t talked those kinds of dreams, except of course the fantasy things we don’t have the money to do.
In 2007 we did take the kids and met extended family on an awesome vacation trip, Hong Kong, Beijing, London, Paris, a whole month. But since then only she and the kids have been anywhere, like Disney or Washington DC. Work was good and I got paid for that whole month. She’s a teacher so she gets time off in the spring and all summer. With the economy tanking since 2008, I’ve had to work and couldn’t (or felt at the time I couldn’t) take any time off. I think she resented that I did not plan to go on those trips.
As far as the job goes, I’ve endured two pay cuts since 2009, taking home 60% of what was and there’s no time off with pay. I can take off any time I want now without pay.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Since she hasn't spoken her complaints, what has changed about you personally from the time you were first in love til now?
What are the differences between you and her exH?
Like I said earlier, I've been through my own midlife transition. Under the stresses of life: bills, job, kids, increasing distance from W, I retreated to my man cave: the screened in porch where I enjoyed sports, beer and a good cigar. Mind you now, I wasn't trying to get away from anyone, I just couldn't smoke indoors and the kids were more often than not hogging the TV with some show or playing wii. But it made me look really bad. She even complained once that I was watching the same show outside that they were watching inside, but I was puffing on a stoogie so whatever, no excuse I guess. Hind sight is 20/20.
One of my biggest mistakes was trying to shelter her from the worry of how really bleak things were at work with the crumbling economy and all (I'm in construction). I should have confided in her like the marriage partner I was supposed to be.
The changes I have made so far has been to try and do more with the kids, like the board game we were playing the other night. Over Christmas break we all went to the movies as a family to see Narnia and Tron. I've cut way, way back on the beer, even lost a couple inches. I've always worked out so that's nothing new. Since W is kind of avoiding me, I save the cigars in the man cave until kids in bed or immersed in homework. You know how kids always procrastinate till late.
The one thing that really matters I cannot do anything about now, which is taking her for granted, thinking she'd always be around - no matter what. I kind of enjoyed unwinding by myself or with a buddy, knowing in the back of my mind, W was gonna be around, even if things were rocky, we'd get around to talking about it sooner or later. Like a fool I waited for her to take the lead. I just did not see, or hear, or ignored, the signs or was afraid to push someone on depression meds, plus she was being unpleasant, I don't know - just classic taking the spouse for granted.
What is the difference between me and OM? Well he's an old flame yet a novelty and with intreague, at least before she went to visit him. His emails "woo" her (her exact words on bomb day) Physically he's no Adonis (seen his facebook, more like Danny Divito) but does have a height advantage. W is my height and in our better days would always wear flats (for me) but these past months - nothing but heels. I know practically nothing about him since they were long divorced befor W and I even met, I did not inquire 'cause I was not interested. She'd had other BF's in between.
I don't think she's that taken him, it's just that since he initially got her all excited, I think she obviously wants a more out of life than she forsees in the future with me, probably a romance novel experience before getting too old and, well, I am in the way. Her diet is nothing but cashews, cheese & crackers, and salad. She seems hell bent on losing those last few pounds. I don't know her anymore. She was always a moral, good person, and I don't want to sound like I am judging, (God knows I'm no saint) but now it wouldn't surprise to be served tomorrow.
The only time she wants to "talk", it's about D, never about R or M. I just don't [edited word--dbmod] know. (sorry)
Last edited by dbmod; 01/11/1106:41 PM.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Sometimes it may not be the differences per se (Physical, behavioural) between OP and ourselves that attracts the WAS. Its the novelty - the romance, the sense of freedom , when they communicate, there are no childcare issues, house issues, money issues - it is the escape. How can you compete with that?
My H said that succinctly during bomb day - that when he got to know OW, who was freshly divorced then, what struck him was her sense of freedom from the stifling relationship she had with her exH, and then H felt that he wanted that feling of freedom as well.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I'm sorry. Your story is familiar, with details changed.
Being wooed, feeling young is very important to someone who sees that slipping away and to someone who needs that to make them feel more attractive.
It's hard because if you're in a place where she needs you to woo her, but wants no part of YOU wooing her right now, it's a catch 22. You just have to make things as good and attractive to her as you can now, and wait for your moment to strike, so to speak.
One of my biggest mistakes was trying to shelter her from the worry of how really bleak things were at work with the crumbling economy and all (I'm in construction). I should have confided in her like the marriage partner I was supposed to be.
I apologize, I remember reading this with someone, and couldn't find it in your thread when I reread your thread.
Sometimes the job and 'coolness' factor is part of that. What can you do to up your ante on those things? Is money important to her? Or was the partner aspect more important to her?
Sometimes the job and 'coolness' factor is part of that. What can you do to up your ante on those things? Is money important to her? Or was the partner aspect more important to her?
Oh, money's important to her alright. That's why she had the crazy idea of being divorced roommates, 'cause we'd only get half what our house is worth, that is if we could sell it, plus the kids would remain in the home with mom and dad for a while.
The partner aspect is more like what my coach told me about our drifting apart and losing the emotional connection. It could have contributed - or not, don't know for sure.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Last night was bunko nite at our house. So W wants all of us out (of the way) D17 goes over to her BF's house. S11 and I go to friend's to watch the BCS championship.
As I am pulling out of the drive, one of the bunko guests pulls in. She walks over to my car to say "hi" gives me a hug thru the window and then goes on, "I'm so sorry about everything; these things happen etc etc." I reply, "That's okay, everything's going to be okay; have fun; win something," and I pull off with S11.
So there's one of her confidants.
Later that night after we get home and S11 is in bed (school night you know), W is cleaning up after the party. I had helped set up beforehand, straightening up the place and vacuuming and stuff. W says "Thank you for helping tonight." She sounded obligated I guess, since the rest of the time is silent treatment. I retreat to the cave to catch the 2nd half; W goes off to shower and bed, ignoring me.
Just reporting on events. Why do I feel like D day is getting closer?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
