Yep, been there as well. About 8 month before my XW dropped the bomb I fly to San Francisco to meet her on her business trip. She was cold and distant while I was there as well. In fact I caught her checking her email on her phone. I did not suspect an affair but knew something was off. We got in a huge fight on the plane on the way back. She must of already knew she was leaving me at the time. There was a good chance that she was having an affair and that person was going to meet her in San Francisco instead of me.
I have my kids this weekend and X has already contacted me to check in and see how the kids are doing. I just answered her texts with a short answer, with no emotion at all. I did not send her photos of the kids and I tobogganing and skating today. I used to send her photos thinking that may shock her into wanting to work things out. It kills me to get photos of my kids with her. I always wish I was with them.
Anyway, I am finding it easier to cope now that I don't have expectations of her.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
So I am on week 3 without initiating contact with my XW. I only respond to her in short neutral sentences, void of emotion.
Man, this is not easy.
Last night my 8 year old daughter told me she does not want me to get a girlfriend. I asked her why and she said "because then you can't get back together with mommy". God, I could just scream at my XW !!
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I feel your pain!!! I am having a hard day today! Had to have contact with XH because of D18 and he just makes me so angry inside. I did so much for him for his b-day and didn't have to and he is back with OW #2 who is just beyond a horrible and awful person!! I can't wait for D18 to get back up here so I can just cut XH out all together, since we live 700 miles apart, it will be easy to do physically, but so hard for me not to want try to "guilt" him into wanting to be with us by sending pics, videos, updates and stuff, like we both have done, Whitney, and it hasn't worked yet!! I am not going to do it, I am going to stay strong and ignore him and accept that his relationship with the kids is his and only his!! I can't do it for him and it isn't my job!! I am done, I am done, I am done...if I keep repeating this will it get easier???
Hang in there Whitney, you are doing soooo good!!! I hate when the kids say that stuff, it makes it so hard and makes me want to shake the [censored] out of my XH!!! They just don't get it at all!! And, one day they will be the ones who pay the price and are suffering, unfortuantly our kids will be the victims and already are, their one and only family will never be whole again, I don't care what all the pro-divorce people say, kids are effected and it matters!! Stay stong!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
It's Monday after a weekend with my kids. I always have a really hard time after spending every waking hour with my kids. I always feel really down and miss them terrible.
The kids and I had a great weekend of skating and tobogganing. For the first time ever I did not send photos to my X. I usually send photos when we do stuff on the weekend but since it makes no difference I am stopping.
I am feeling really angry right now. I am exhausted from doing all that I do with my kids alone. Don't get me wrong I love all that I do but I never signed up to do all of this alone.
I too used to do nice things for my XW when it was her birthday, Mother's Day etc. and it too got me nowhere.
Yes, the pro-divorce people ARE WRONG about the kids not being effected.
btw my X is extremely wealthy, beautiful and fit. She always has "options" so I am sure she will have no troubles in life.
Autan, you hang in there as well and try to cut back on doing so much for your X as well.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
So, since I have asked my X to only contact me if she wanted to work on our family (3 weeks ago) she has continued to contact me. Nothing about us, but stories about the kids, news articles etc. Just "touch and go" I guess
She is just trying to keep things good between us.
Of course I want her to contact me to work on our situation BUT I have been holding strong and just answering with non-emotional short responses. I wish I was strong enough to have done this about 2.5 years ago.
I do feel kind of cruel that in some way, out of the blue, I am being really cold to her. I am sure she has no clue.
I don't really want to be portrayed as the bad guy in all of this.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
You seem to be sticking to your guns, even if it is killing you. I need to do the same, but instead I have continued to play the game, and hoping each interaction with ex is a good one, meaning one that gives me even a sliver of hope.
I have had a few good interactions, even today, but inadvertently, our son told me he had been with his Daddy when Daddy did errands for "Denise", a old girlfriend, and that Daddy had taken him to "Laura's", a woman he had a affair with while we were married, to help her start a fire. I was livid with him. He had agreed that he would not take our son around her, and infact he has taken him several times. Of course he turns this around on me, calling me bitter, telling me I am like my mother who he knows I would not want to mimic, with me then telling him, we would go back to everyother weekend visitation, instead of me letting him see our son whenever he wanted to. This made him livid of course, and he proceeded to hurt me even more, saying to the effect that he regretted how long he spend having a unhappy relationship with me. At that, I called him crying, and left a message telling him I never wanted to see him again, and that he just continued to hurt me more and more, and I had had enough. I haven't heard anything more from him.
To go within 30 minutes to having him initiate a phone call to see how our day was, to that ugly event is just crazy. I cannot do this anymore for my own sanity. I stay so hurt, and I worry about my son being around my ex so much, afraid that because he adores his father, he will take on more of his character traits than my own.
I don't know how to let go. The only way I can think I can begin to do that is not to see him anymore, and only to tx about our son what we need to. Are you feeling any better with limited contact with your ex? It sounds like you drew the line in the sand, and she is crossing over the line. And you said you think she wants to keep a good relationship with you, but why? I know why I want a good relationship with my ex, and its because I hope it leads to him coming home. Otherwise, I would probably feel apathetic about a relationship with my ex. I guess it is their guilt leading them to appear to care sometimes. Sure is confusing, and not just to me, but to my friends also. They can't believe how much he does for me, but it appears he does alot for many other woman too. He always did.
I am so grateful to have this place to be honest, and to know I am not alone.
Hope is both a wonderful and an awful emotion. I think most of us on this board have done everything we could based on hope. Hope that our X's would come to their senses and want to work on our relationship. The truth is, if our X's wanted to work on our relationships then they would. They would find a way to talk to us and/or be with us.
So, it all just boils down to common sense and that is what DB teaches us. We are to work on ourselves, focus on our children, GAL, and be pleasant with everyone (including our Xs).
We have all tried to "show" our X's that we changed, that we love them etc. They just don't see it because they are so focussed on themselves.
Why our X's do anything is something that we will never figure out, nor should we try. We are all so hurt that this person just got up and left and deceived us is too much to take. It is one of the worst experiences we will ever have.
Our X's lie and deceive us because they are weak and/or they do not want to hurt us further. The truth is, lying to us in an effort to protect us hurts us worse.
To answer your question; "Are you feeling any better with limited contact with your ex?" YES, I do feel better. I still check my email "hoping" to hear from her BUT I can function much better now. I don't have my expectations constantly crushed. So in a way I have slowed the roller coaster of emotions. I do feel bitterness every once and awhile though. I am at the stage where I am pretty mad at my ex for completely abandoning the life she and I created.
I think my X wants a good relationship with me to keep communications open about our kids. I do a lot of things with my kids and I think she wants to still be a part of that. Unfortunately I will no longer include her in all that I do with the kids. She made a decision to leave us so she will now have to live with that decision. She is also the kind of person that wants everyone to like her. I don't think she wants a good relationship with me in case she wants to reconcile. I don't think there are any feelings of guilt from my X at all. Her attitude is "oh well", it's very unfortunate that she lost feelings for me. Of course this is a very immature view of marriage, but that is what she feels.
Anyone that is really having trouble with the emotional roller-coaster I strongly suggest to try to back away from the whole situation. Don't be the "one with all the issues" in the eyes of our X. Be the strong one that is moving forward in life. As I have said...if our X's want us back then they WILL pick up the phone. Until then it's best to not have so much hope.
So, no this is not easy and somedays I am lonely, some days I am angry, some days I am happy and some days....well some days just drag on. BUT we will all get through this.
Yoh try not to worry that your son will become like your X. It's amazing how much our kids are pre-programed from the day they are born. Our children with have bits and pieces of their parents, bust mostly they will become themselves.
I completely agree with you about how grateful we are to have these boards. I appreciate and love when I get someone posting on my thread.
Yoh, try to vent your frustrations on this board and not to your X. 24 hours later you will feel better that you did.
((Hope you have a better day today.))
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
the problem is, whitney, why should she change things? she has her life with her kids, then the greatest babysitter in the world when she wants to go out and party with her boyfriend, im sorry, but its true - youre giving her the world. most psychologists say that a person like this will never see thier own problems, and pin the whole demise of the marriage on the other partner.
