(((Mish))) if it is any consolation about New Year, I asked Lisa what she was doing and she said 'getting an early night like every year' which is what I would be doing if I was at home. New Year has such high expectations and is always frankly cr@p!
I feel like, since my life was turned upside down when exh left, I am not quite sure who 'me' is, I don't know how to live authentically because I made many decisions that had bad repercussions that I lost faith in my ability to make decisions.
I often feel anxious mostly, I find myself spiralling into anxiety and familiar feelings wash over me. It kind of spoke to me when I read your post that you seem to be doing the same thing - correct me if I am wrong!
I really feel like you need to take the focus off Gabe and back onto you. Have you ever tried CBT? If I was at home it would be something I would try. Instead I picked up a pretty good book with a CD. It was kind of a hypnosis thing all about confidence and it was really good. But mostly I have been working on relinquishing trying to control things and putting so much pressure on myself. Have faith in Gabe's intentions in the relationship. I know you feel confusion over this but I really think you need to work out exactly what you need from him. I think I asked you that before.
The fact that he is still there, he stayed there through the hard times with your Mum to me says a lot. What do you need to see or hear from him to feel secure?
Shall I give you an example of some of the questions I asked myself?
What do I need in my relationship?
*to feel cared for*
What would that look like? - To receive a hug or kiss hello - To receive reassuring hugs or looks in social situations. - To receive phone calls and/ or texts if we are apart. - for him to suggest spending time together. - to laugh together.
If those things happened I would no longer feel... - ignored - an imposition on his life - like everything/ veryone else is more important - that I have to exhaust myself trying to mind read and fix the situation. That was just my mind map but it highlighted a couple of really important things for me. Firstly, that I don't actually have that many demands and all of them are achievable and specific and a man would find them easy to do rather than a vague, you aren't paying me enough attention. Secondly, that I really needed to work on my self-confidence.
Anyway, I don't know if that is any help at all but I really hope it is. Turn the focus back on you Mishka, Gabe can look after himself and he will make his own decisions. You can only control your actions and your happiness.
I feel like, since my life was turned upside down when exh left, I am not quite sure who 'me' is, I don't know how to live authentically because I made many decisions that had bad repercussions that I lost faith in my ability to make decisions.
I often feel anxious mostly, I find myself spiralling into anxiety and familiar feelings wash over me. It kind of spoke to me when I read your post that you seem to be doing the same thing - correct me if I am wrong!
You are exactly right Julia. Combine that with little to no self-worth (I'm still working hard at it...don't slam me!!!) and it's the perfect storm.
I started writing in a journal again to just get all my frustrations and fears out so I don't put them here and sound like a total basket case. I'm hoping it will help me work through some of it and put it away.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I started writing in a journal again to just get all my frustrations and fears out so I don't put them here and sound like a total basket case. I'm hoping it will help me work through some of it and put it away.
It's a win/win when you share your frustrations and fears; it helps you gain some clarity when you express your pain and you have the insight of so many others as well when they share their wisdom. It's also helpful to the rest of us who can relate to those 'basket case' moments/days.
I think the fact of you feeling this is stemming from Gabe, and you knowing or "feeling" that he is there only because he has no other place to go to. And he is there "until something" comes along or someone comes alone to "rescue him"....
Have you ever considered how hard/confusing/unclear it is for Gabe to be in an R with someone who hides her feelings, pretends to be someone she's not, doesnt trust her own judgement or decisions, acts like all is fine but gives off wierd vibes and then later either cries or has a meltdown???
Just wondering Mish how you and Gabe are even managing to function as a couple with the way you describe how YOU feel and how unsure in yourself you are. Neverlone his wierdness!
I think its pretty selfish of anyone to not buy their loved one at least one gift at Christmas.. but then Christmas is a big deal in the UK (we dont call it "happy holidays", or have Thanksgiving, its just Christmas afterall). Seriously, does this not hurt or p*ss you off?? Like OT says, if he acts wierd, its because HE feels bad/guilty whatever and feels that he is letting you down all the time. Men hate to feel inadequate and like they are failing, right. DB 101.
I wish there was some way to wave a magic wand and make you be able to rise up and live your life without regrets. It still early days you know, you only just lost your Mum, thats HUGE. Have you spoken to Gabe about your feelings of loss??
Love and hugs to you xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
We are covered in snow and ice down here. Getting to work this morning was treacherous. This is the south and we can't deal with this stuff!! UGH! A 10 minute drive took me 40 minutes or sheer terror!
I'm not looking forward to the drive home in the dark. They said the ice will keep getting thicker as the days goes along. Of course, work is a total mess because every darned flight from Atlanta was canceled or preemptively canceled for tomorrow. WHAT A MESS!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Stay safe. Drive slow. We are used to the stuff but it still took 30 minutes to get to work because the streets weren't plowed yet. It is still snowing. I am hoping with crossed fingers that we close early but it isn't my call.
Hope it gets better for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
