2 years later it's still not getting easier

[MeMyselfandI]

Hi Whitney, I'm so sorry and really feel for you. After much soul searching the last couple of days, I've decided to change my approach from the LRT and be a little more open to the friendship option although obviously at the end of all this, that is not where I'd like to be.

I look at your situation and the ages of yourself and your XW and my STBXH and I are pretty close to where you are. I worry about that myself, particularly since STBXH has concluded that this was one of our problems and is obviously something I can't change - wow, how I wish I could turn the clock back!

I don't really have any words of advice but do know that I'm watching and praying for you and your family for a positive outcome, whatever that may be.

Happy New Year.

[whitneypinch]

Hello FSAH,

I do believe age is a factor.
When we were all in our 30's life was full of so many possibilities and we felt invincible.
When we get into our 40's we realize we are not going to live forever and that every moment is precious. I think that is why we are so heartbroken when our kids are not with us. We know that time is flying by and that we don't get it back.

I am going to continue on my path and no longer contact my XW or send photos etc. I find it easier for myself. I don't end up with any expectations. Expectations are what is causing me so much pain and it tends to keep me stuck.

I don't believe I have heard the last of my XW.

In fact I predict that she emails me and suggests I pick the kids up at the airport on Tuesday. I am not scheduled to have them until after school on Wednesday.

Have a happy new years everyone !!

[MeMyselfandI]

You are so right Whitney, we do realize how precious moments are in our 40's.

I'm going to say you are probably right with your predictions and it must be so hard to weigh that decision ... you so want to see your kids every possible time you have a chance but you also know how much it hurts. Continue on your path and may peace come your way.

[whitneypinch]

So my kids came back from their trip to Florida with my XW.
They phoned me last night which was nice. I will see them today.

On the way to the airport in Florida my XW sent me another photo.
I have responded in a pleasant way to each photo, but I specifically asked her not to send me any photos while they were on vacation from Florida.

It just seems like my X is trying to be "friendly". Perhaps it's just to ease her guilt, who knows.
In the past I had sent her photos and tried to encourage us getting closer. Each time she pushes back and says she has not enough feelings to ever consider working on our situation. Sometimes we all go out as a family but I stopped that as it's too hard on me and the kids.

When my XW is kind to me and I am kind back to her, and then it stops on her end.

She ended one email from Florida "hugs and kisses from mommy".

I decided to pull back and not contact her anymore.
God, I hope I am doing the right thing.

I really miss being married and a family.....

[Augtan]

It's been awhile since I have posted on this board, I have been on MLC board reading and doing some posting, but not much!

Whitney- I totally sympathize with you and understand where you are coming from and the fine line you walk, as I do others on here with similar situations to mine.

I have gone back and forth, up and down and back again with my XH! He is very messed up in MLC and been through two OW's. We have been on family trips, he stays at my house when he comes to visit me and the kids (we live 700 miles apart), we are intimate when he comes, we act like a family and it is pretty good most of the time, he even drove 10 hours and showed up unannounced on my doorstep on a Friday night to spend the weekend with us. I have done things to screw it all up when we have gotton really close because I get my hopes up sooo much and don't handle things like I should, I get all jealous and do things that just push him away.

Before Thanksgiving he was texing me "good-night beautiful" and things were going really great between us despite the long distance, but I freaked cause I found out he was at the same party with OW #2 and walked her to her car!!

We got past that..sorta..and he was coming for Christmas, I wasn't over his continual contact with her (even though we had made no commitment to each other, except having been married for 17 plus years). He showed up Chrismas Eve and I went nuts on him..it was 10 pm and I hadn't eaten and had had too much wine, but still no excuse and it was awful. We made up and he left on a good note, but had said something to really hurt me during sex, so I was determined not to contact him. I stuck to it and he called me about our D18, then I sent him an email drawing the line in the sand, saying I won't be used and abused anymore, I am done with it all, I deserve more and will find it. He called and said he got the email and was soooo very sorry, that he knew he had hurt me and owed me an apology, I accepted and moved on from it and we had a nice conversation. I haven't heard from him since or contacted him either, it has been 4 days, which I know doesn't sound long, but for us with all our kids stuff, it is a long time.

I refuse to initiate any contact anymore and I think he knows I am serious this time, but I don't think he cares. I have to move on in 2011 and am determined to do so, no more family trips, no more staying at each others houses, no more sex, no more pictures or videos of the kids from me, nothing. It is just to painful and leaves me stuck. I don't want a liar and cheater and know I would never, ever live in peace even if he did come back, he has lied too much.

I miss being married and having a whole family more than I can describe. I miss the husband, man, father, and lover that I once had in XH, but that man is gone and I now believe he is gone for good, I might see glimpes of my old H, but it won't last long before the alien that took over is back.

Hang in there all on here, it will get better, and believe that if the X is going to want to come back and you want them back...they will show you in a big way and be willing to prove it in a big way!! I believe that with my whole heart. When a man wants a woman he goes after her, I am not going to settle for less than him coming after me in a really big way, and I am sure women who have done similar things would do the same with the man they really want! We need to stop letting them cake-eat!! They chose this, let them live the REAL consequences of what they picked and wanted so bad, we need to stop making it so easy!!

A

[whitneypinch]

Hello Augtan,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me.

OMG I don't know how you actually did that with your XH.
It would just kill me to be that close with my X.

I too am in the same situation as you. I have decided enough is enough. I will no longer contact my XW, send photos, compare stories etc.

For the last 2 weeks I have only responded to her emails with just short answers and no emotions at all. I can tell you it's much easy to get through the days now, now that I don't have any expectations.
Soon I am not going to respond at all unless the email asks for a specific response related to our kids.
It's time to cut the cord.

Augtan I completely agree in that if our Xs want to get back with us they will make their intentions very known.

So....we continue on !

[Augtan]

It has has destoryed me to be so close to XH, but back in the Fall he came up here a lot and things were really looking good, then he fell back in with OW #2 who is truly a horrible, awful woman...she lost custoday of her 13 yr old daughter because she was having men in and out of her bed and the D13 could hear her mom having sex with these men, D13 and D4 (both by different Dad's and the whore is only 33 yrs old) were being left alone overnight so she could sleep over at other men's houses, she beat D13 one morning cause she left a dish out, pulled her by the hair down the stairs....it goes on and on...this is what this man, my XH wants over me and his real family.

But, only because he thinks so little of himself and subconsciencely knows this is all he will be able to get to date him after all he has done to his own kids. It is beyond a mess and sooo sad. My D18 was living down there with him and he put her in the middle of some very awful situations, he goes out partying every single night (and I am not exhagerating this at all!!), he has no job now so he is even more miserable and latching on to anything to take the pain away for even a minute and I guess this OW does that (he says they are just friends now, but I dont' believe a word he says!!), the crazy drama that she brings leaves no time for him to think about his own awful life and mess!! D18 is moving back up here to graduate HS and be with me and her family this weekend...so he will be left with no one and nothing again.

I asked him when he lost his job this past Fall when things were going good with us to move up here and live in my condo, that I would take D18 and live at my parents (who leave for 5 mo.) while he stayed rent free at my place with D11 and S15, it would cut down on expenses and such, but he hasn't even entertained the idea and continues to want to live like a 21 year old again, with no responsibility and no family. He was very into my D15's football, coached him, etc. He came and saw D15 play one game this last fall and that was it, he is missing his son play HS football, something my real H would have never missed...but I am finally really done feeling bad for him and trying to make him see all he is missing, I don't cry anymore about it and I am really feeling so strong now. I am DONE!!! He will one day be very, very sorry and I will feel really bad for him then, but no matter how much he blames me (and he does everytime he can say "you took the kids away from me", like our marriage was great and I just up and left, not that he had left us for OW #1 and was telling me he was never, ever coming back!!!).

Stay tough and strong!! You can do it, and it gets easier everday..doesn't it??? We are better off without these people who don't want us!! Why I kept wanting someone who didn't want me is something I know is wrong within me and need to fix, I mean I know why..I wanted my old H, I wanted my family like it was, I wanted the fairy tale back that we had, but I have to deal with that this is DEAD, he is DEAD, the real him anyway!! I am working hard on ME!!! And, being a much better mom to my kids, cause all these years I have been in so much pain haven't been fair to them at all!! But, I am human and I am real..so they know this and I think that is okay, but now I will do better!!

A

I

[joejoe]

god speed!

[whitneypinch]

It's amazing how these people really do change and become someone that we have no idea of.
Every once and a while my old X pokes her head out and then disappears.

You stay strong as well !!
and yes it does get easier each day !!!

[Augtan]

Today my XH turned 44 years old, 4 years ago I took him to Mexico for his b-day and I had no idea that he was having his affair at that time. He was cold and distant, now I know that he was thinking of her the whole time and wishing she was there instead of me. It hurts to think of that, but not nearly as much as it use to. I never in a million years thought he was having an affair or ever would have one.

I got him a massage gift card and a kroger gift card from the kids, he got the massage one yesterday and thanked me via IM, we chatted a bit then I said I had to go to the bank and signed off. Then I texted him this morning Happy Birthday and sent him an e-card and that was it, my S15 called him to tell him HB and then XH asked to talk to me, he again thanked me for the card and text and was talking about stuff with D18 and his reffing basketball and all, I was nice, but kept it short and sweet. He said he had no plans at all for his b-day and I told him that D18 should take him to dinner. I am going out with a some friends for dinner and live music, gonna have fun!!

A