Pickle, In the articles, it says that the MLC spouse does not consider the LBS as a friend. They are actually afraid of their spouse because we know them better than anything, and know what is in thir mind. Its a kind of paranoia. The more you know about her, the more you can manipulate her. That is why she runs out of the room when she saw you - she does not wnat you to see what "weapons" she has to make herself strong.
I notice the same with my H. He seems to not want to share anything about himself with me. He mumbles when he talks to me, as though he is reluctant to share any information.
My H also has a family hx of depression. I think that increases the predisposition to MLC, as depression is a must in MLC.
Everyday, it feels that more and more our R is spiraling down the drain.
But as they say, MLC has to reach bottom before it can go up. Sometimes, I just want to hurry it up, hope he just crashes and goes into overt, clinical depression so we can start going up.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I just hope that by the end of this month I havn't been served. But if it happens - gotta believe it is God's will and he will bring good from it.
It's scarin' the hell out of me though. I really don't want to go through all that stuff after reading so many others' sitchs regarding sep and dev.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
[quote=InAPickle][quote=Denver_2010]I wonder why I am bothering. I don't know why I am investing so much of myself into this M when W wants the easy way out. I'm a little down today, so never mind my negativity.
Trugritter cleared the "bothering" question up for me. Did I promise to love and cherish only for better, only in health, only for richer? Or did I promise to love and cherish for "worse" in "sickness" or for "poorer"?
How much do you value those promises? In the end I want to be able to believe I did everything I could to keep those promises.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
That is the way I have thought about it also. I feel in some way she has a "sickness", and I have to stick by her. Especially, because of my faults, I am the one who got her sick.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
Pickle - I saw Gritter's post about that and a few others from him on the same subject. I agree and that's why I am here. I was probably just venting when I said that. There are days when I feel like taking the easy way out and just quitting. It is really tough knowing that W is doing lord knows what while I am still fighting for M by myself. Like Habit though, I also know that I am greatly responsible for our problems and there was a long period of time where W was fighting for M and I was not bc of depression.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
The most important thing to understand is this is for YOU.
Not about how your W will see your choices. Quite the opposite.
You are making them in spite of what she chooses. Not as a reaction to. Or because of. That is the ONLY control you will EVER have in ANY relationship.
This one or another.
You're not making it for her. You promised. You choose how to live that.
The key is we all share a spouse who is guilty of at the least bad behavior and poor choices.
You choose how you let that affect who YOU are and what you believe.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Pickle, Maybe you should open a thread in MLC. The vets there give a lot of good input. But Newcomers get a lot of traffic, so maybe keep this as long as you can as well, as you are still fairly new but I can see you are already getting more comfortable and knowledgeable about DBing.
As Gritter says, its all about you. About us, not our spouses. I agree with Habitacker, our spouses do have some "sickness". I am in the medical field, I now view my H as a "patient" and am doing a lot of research about the MLC condition. The more informed you are, the more you understand why they do things.
I would recommend that all of you read about MLC if you are not sure why your spouse is behaving so.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Just sharing some experience for those newbies struggling with the emotional rollercoaster. As you can tell from my signature, I was bombed 10/24/10 and did all the "wrong" things for about 2 weeks until I read DR. You all know what it's like, seemingly endless cycles of depression, anger, heartache, thinking, thinking, cannot concentrate on anything else etc. etc.
Well this was right before the holiday season, and at my church, beginning thanksgiving weekend, we sell Christmas trees. The following weekend we usually hold a caroling party at the tree lot complete with fire pit, hot chocolate, roasted hotdogs and mingling. I have been providing the guitar accompanyment for the past few years, but hadn't picked up the instrument in months. Well obviously I had to pick it up and practice, which was one of the first things I did after reading DR.
I began to notice that playing and especially singing the carols in practice actually lifted the depression from my mind and took me to a peaceful place. Needless to say, even after the party, any time I felt a down cycle on the rollercoaster, if I was home I'd pick up the guitar and (softly) sing and play. Now I download from the net, some of my favorite old tunes and continue the hobby.
Maybe some of you have an activity which takes your mind to a peaceful place, even if it's just, singing the shower or watching a good movie, or saying a rosary, do something in those valleys. It cannot hurt; it can only help.
Still prayin' for you all. Pickle
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Thanks Pickle... It sounds like you are becoming one of the "wise" ones on this site.
And it sounds like you are in a good place. That is great news.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Interesting little tidbit tonight. Remember when I posted about D17 and then W getting mad that I talked sitch with her? Well tonight D17, S11 and I were playing a board game and W is getting ready for bed. She kisses them both goodnight and totally ignores me when I also say goodnight. D17 was sitting across from me and our eyes met. D17 gets a look on her face like WTF was that all about? Nothing said afterward, but I get a feeling there'll be some chat between them. Can't wait.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
