Well today W called me ballistic that I asked D17, "what did momma say?" and sounded especially livid about when D17 told her at the end I asked, "Is that all?"
Told ya she was paranoid I would expose EA to kids. Still have no report on trip to Ohio if there was a PA.
But what really happened after D17 told me W was planing D at end of Jan, I just meant to say, "That's all she said then?"
But of course W gets it twisted around in her head and says I made D17 uncomfortable.
I just said sorry, did not defend myself and gave her nothing else. I had no idea W was so unstable.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Yep... my W too. She got p*ssed at me when I explained to her that I would not assist her in filing for, or paying for, Legal Separation papers bc I didn't want LS. I guess this is what we have to look forward to in the coming months. Good times.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Yep... my W too. She got p*ssed at me when I explained to her that I would not assist her in filing for, or paying for, Legal Separation papers bc I didn't want LS. I guess this is what we have to look forward to in the coming months. Good times.
Do you have kids Denver? The approach I took with W about D was:
"I can't help you with D; I can't sit next to you and say to the kids mommy and daddy agree to such and such etc etc b/c that would be a lie; I don't want a D; I don't agree to D"
She seemed to understand that logic. Just buyin' time.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
HI Pickle, I too am just buying time. Tine is gold, I would try any trick in the boook to get him to stay, I feel that if he goes, then thats it.
But sometimes I read sitches here that shows how DB techniques works more when the spouses are apart.
Again, some people say in MLC there are no tactics that work.
I'm confused!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Yep... my W too. She got p*ssed at me when I explained to her that I would not assist her in filing for, or paying for, Legal Separation papers bc I didn't want LS. I guess this is what we have to look forward to in the coming months. Good times.
Do you have kids Denver? The approach I took with W about D was:
"I can't help you with D; I can't sit next to you and say to the kids mommy and daddy agree to such and such etc etc b/c that would be a lie; I don't want a D; I don't agree to D"
She seemed to understand that logic. Just buyin' time.
Hey Pickle - My W and I do not have kids together. I have a daughter from a previous R who lives out of state and my W has a son who is 11 and lives with us, or rather, lived with us until W went off the deep end.
Yes, all I'm trying to do is buy time myself here. I figure the longer I can put D off the more chance that she will come around. Sometimes though, I wonder why I am bothering. I don't know why I am investing so much of myself into this M when W wants the easy way out. I'm a little down today, so never mind my negativity.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You have to play the hand you're dealt Angel. Every sitch is different.
Kids make a huge difference, when it comes to hard stands versus letting your kids have the benefit of both parents at home. Trust that God is in control, especially if you pray for your kids, Believe that God wants what's best for them. Sometimes in abusive or addictive sitchs it's best for the kids to be away from that. Other times they're devistated if one parent moves out.
Rely on your intuition and instincts and God's still small voice and NOT act on emotion. The emotional rollercoaster will trip you up sometimes (speaking from experience).
The hardest thing for me sometimes is taking my own damn advice.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, Been reading the articles in the link. They are very good. Seems like most of the people in this board reads them , as all of the terminology is the same.
So far, I have been able to label my H with some of the descriptions in the articles, as such:
1. He is a distancer, I am a pursuer - even before the bomb. 2. He is a boomerang type - a clinging boomerang 3. He is an ego-deflater
Thinking of your sitch, I think your W is the female version of my H - both of them wanting some sort of legal S or D but keeping the contact with the family for reasons of guilt, especially because of the kids, and the convenience of still being in a family type situation (your W wants to live as roomies, my H wants to live as neighbours, but with 1/2 time living in the same house). So probably your W falls into the same categories as well. She seems a little less clingy though copared to my H, more aggressive and willing to move, while my H is passive, seems to avoid change, does not do anything (not even researching about D! even if he talks about it. He probably wants to just push me so hard so that I will do all the work, as I always have). Well, this works for me as buying time is still my startegy in all of this.
Right now I am trying my best not to rock the boat. I go home from work and don't even talk to him, just go up to the room, talk to D, surf, work some more, read, clean while he cooks, then just go down when he yells "eating time".
Denver, Pickle - good luck to all three of us. Remember, D is not the easy way out actually. Denver, I read somewhere you atre a lawyer so you know all the intriccacies, so it may be the easy way for you but I don't view it that way!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Angel - When I said that D is the easy way out, I didn't really mean that it is easy. I am a lawyer, but not a divorce attorney. Anyway, what I meant is that leaving the problems in a M to look for something new is the easy way out. The hard way, the right way, is to choose to stay and fight for you M, to work at figuring those problems out.
Kind of like back in H.S. when one of your friends stole the answer key to a math test that you feel you will flunk. The easy way out of the situation is to use the answer key to cheat and pass the test. The hard way, is to actually put your nose to the grind and work to learn the material. I feel that my W is choosing the easy way out of our problematic M. My choice is to stay and fight for my M, put my nose to the grind and learn WTF I messed up so that I know "the material" in the future...
Good luck to us all... yes, definitely.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
A few years ago, W began IC for her depression, which runs in her family. She got on meds and seemed okay (to me at the time). I don't remember exactly when she started IC - she never talked to me about it - I didn't pry. like I said, I thought it was working. It bothered me a little that she was spending the money, when she "seemed" okay, but I never said so.
First meds depressed her libido, and our LL went in the toilet. Then she switched to something else which helped, but we had lost a lot of connection. The time line is fuzzy; I didn't keep track. It's all in the past now.
So now she's reading the self help book on happiness b/c she aint. I walk in the room and she picks up her stuff leaves like a phukin' child. Could the sight of me or my presence make her guilty and/or depressed ie. unhappy? What do you guys think?
My DB and LTR and even small talk all seem to be pushing her further out the door. Her planned D-day according to D17 I recall is the end of Jan. As that date approaches, she seems to be getting more distant and avoiding more. If I remember my college days, my roomies were a lot of fun, this person is the furthest thing from a room mate.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
