Wow Pickle, does this ever resonate with me. I sometimes feel that is exactly what STBXH wants is for me to find someone else so it will justify his choices and remove some of the guilt. I struggle with this as well but I think, deep down that it is not what they really want.
Maybe I just need to believe this to keep me going on this db path. Maybe it's a pipe dream, I don't know. I do know that if I'm not strong enough to have a life without him, truly to be able to keep going without him then I am not ready to be with him.
Me: 41 STBXH: 36 D: 11 S: 9 BOMB 12/2009 SEPARATED 5/2010 D SERVED BY ME 9/2010 FINAL D When I'm ready
Wow Pickle, does this ever resonate with me. I sometimes feel that is exactly what STBXH wants is for me to find someone else so it will justify his choices and remove some of the guilt. I struggle with this as well but I think, deep down that it is not what they really want.
Maybe I just need to believe this to keep me going on this db path. Maybe it's a pipe dream, I don't know. I do know that if I'm not strong enough to have a life without him, truly to be able to keep going without him then I am not ready to be with him.
Me: 41 STBXH: 36 D: 11 S: 9 BOMB 12/2009 SEPARATED 5/2010 D SERVED BY ME 9/2010 FINAL D When I'm ready
Wow Pickle, does this ever resonate with me. I sometimes feel that is exactly what STBXH wants is for me to find someone else so it will justify his choices and remove some of the guilt. I struggle with this as well but I think, deep down that it is not what they really want.
Maybe I just need to believe this to keep me going on this db path. Maybe it's a pipe dream, I don't know. I do know that if I'm not strong enough to have a life without him, truly to be able to keep going without him then I am not ready to be with him.
Me: 41 STBXH: 36 D: 11 S: 9 BOMB 12/2009 SEPARATED 5/2010 D SERVED BY ME 9/2010 FINAL D When I'm ready
Like I said at the beginning of my first thread, W has a lot of teary eyed talks, even admitted feeling guilty about hurting me, but really that's not even the half of it. She will not come to grips with what this is doing to her insides; that's why I think she's reading that book on happiness. Why read a book on happiness if you're happy? I thought EA endorphins were supposed to make you happy! No, right now I think life aint that happy for her.
In our 18 years, we've been practicing our faith and raisng our kids in the faith and not just on Sundays but also involved in parish lay minsitry and social activities. With the exception of her tennis and bunko babes, all our close friends are from church. She has no one to confide in (though she did admit telling a fellow teacher, who noticed the endorphins).
She knows that a civil D doesn't mean squat in the grand scheme of things and that we'll always be sacramentally married in the eye's of God and the Church. (unless she wants to get our marriage anulled, for which there are no canon law grounds)
So yeah I'm in for the long haul, for better, for worse, for richer, or poorer, but this sitch is takng it's toll on her, so I don't think it'll be too long before she makes some decision and there only three choices:
1. File D and proceed with it. 2. Status quo 3. Consider saving the M
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
fullsteam: " I do know that if I'm not strong enough to have a life without him, truly to be able to keep going without him then I am not ready to be with him."
Like I intimated in earlier posts. I don't have a problem living without the woman my W has become. I'd almost be glad to be rid of her and move on.
What I really want back is the sweet girl I married, or someone even better.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Yes Pickle, I can understand that. I see my H at kids activities, etc. and he seems like the great guy who I married which is why it is so tough sometimes. I believe he is putting up a front as he has told me in the past that he acts like who he has to act like, depending on the company he is in.
So, deep down, is he still that guy or is he still the running scared, blaming all his unhappiness on me guy who walked away from our M last year? I don't know. I remember when we were going through all of this at one point I had told him I didn't know who he was anymore. He responded that he didn't know who he was either and that he just couldn't handle this getting any harder.
At the end of it all you are right, I want that great guy that I married but maybe only if he is able to be himself and be true to himself.
Me: 41 STBXH: 36 D: 11 S: 9 BOMB 12/2009 SEPARATED 5/2010 D SERVED BY ME 9/2010 FINAL D When I'm ready
I have too spent many times in prayer about my sitch and feel that if I were to look to another man now I would not be honoring my sacramental marriage. My H and I too have been involved with the Church and parish life through out our marriage. Actually, last night at Mass I thought about when H and I started dating and I invited him to come to Mass with me on Saturday nights before our dates and how he converted to Catholicism because he came to love the Church so much. We have raised our daughter in the faith and in April she will make her confirmation. Our whole marriage we have prayed and felt God guide in so many of the major decisions of our marriage. He told me recently that he was never the religious one, and that I was, you could have knocked me over with a feather. This is the biggest lie, and he has turned his back on God. You know what is sad, after the years of his parents seeing our commitment to God and the Church also converted. He was so proud when that happened.
So, I pray for him everyday and throughout the day. I pray for his soul and pray for him to find his way back to God. That is what he needs to do first. Then maybe he will find his way back to me, but I want a Godly man first and know that is what I need to see in H if he ever wanted to reconcile.
So pray for your W and for her to find her way to happiness through God. Because for someone who has had God in their lives so long, needs to fill that part of her first before she finds true happiness with herself.
God Bless and I pray that 2011 will be a year of conversions for our spouses to find their way back God.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Kids stayed up too late last night, so they would not budge to get up for church. Since Jags play at 4:15 today, W & I wanted to go to church so we could watch the game on TV. D17 & S11 decided to go to mass this evening.
It felt a little awkward just me and W. But once in church I immersed in the liturgy and felt at peace, even though W would not sit any closer than 8 inches away from me in the pew.
I remembered three weeks ago kids sat between us, and at the sign of peace after embracing D17 & S11 I reached accross to W and tried to pull within cheek peck range, but she looked off balance and yanked herself back. Not right after mass nor later that afternoon, but in fact days later, she referred to that incident and making an ugly face, sneered, "Don't ever do that again!" (those words tasted like venom).
So here we were 8 maybe 10 inches apart in the pew: time for the Lord's prayer; many other families joining hands, I reach out - nothing - she clenches hers together. Right after is the sign of peace and I'm really wondering, I figure the usual stranger to stranger handshake.
But then she opens her arms and gives me a gentle squeeze; I gently squeezed back and added a cheek peck - felt no friction compared to the last fiasco. Don't know if it means anything, but like I posted earlier, I'm a guy, so hardly notice little things (trying to learn though) and like I said above - just journaling here (had to tell somebody).
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Seemed reluctant to answer my question: "What's momma told you about us?"
"She told me at the end of January W wants to file D."
I didn't press for anymore, knowing that D17 only has heard W's side of things. But I did tell her I did not want the D and I want to save my M. Left it at that.
Is this the "one month" God was telling me about? Or was I just imagining the still small voice? We'll see.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I found a lot of solice and my own clarity by just sitting in the chapel. I was raised Catholic so I understand why that may be a quiet place for you.
I am happy that you found a place for you to be at peace and listen.
Inside you are all your answers. When you can come to that clarity and that calm place you will realize that this is all about you.
Not what your W does or doesn't do. What you choose here is important for you, your family and your W.
The questions I asked you about what does it look like when you will consider taking your W back.
Those were for you. Your answer that you don't want her back the way she is now...
That is for you too. Read your own words and then understand what they really mean.
Your "aha" moment in the chapel is a good one IMO.
It will help you understand that your vows are not just for when your W is healthy and happy.
They are especially for when she is scared and unsure. When she is so scared she runs away. She will keep running toward where she thinks the answer lies.
Today that happens not to be in your direction.
BUT if she does begin to look back. If she does look inside.
Maybe
She can see you standing as a light in the distance.
This journey is for you Pickle. You will find out some amazing things when you decide to travel this path.
At least that is what I experienced.
One more thing. You will be tempted to tell her about all this that you decided and your prayers and what they mean to you.
Don't. It will be pressure. Keep this for yourself. And live what you decide.
Show her don't tell her.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
