When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

That's awesome kat! I'm actually on my way to Target after work to pick up a GPS for my cousin. I found some free money on a gift card I get at work and they have a nice one on sale. She has been asking for one from her family for the last 2 years and they never have taken the hint. Hint, heck! She flat out tells them to get her one and they don't. Their financial situation has been super ugly though so it's not like they are just ignoring her. I plan to wrap it and just slip it under her tree on Christmas eve during the big family gathering so no one notices. It will just say 'from Santa'.

OT - Why do I think he won't get anything? Let's just say that Gabe's middle name should have been Grinch or Scrooge. He hates Christmas and only out of obligation does he get gifts for his mom and Marc. I can tell you of only one time in the 15 years we were married that he actually got me a gift that he thought of all by himself and seemed excited to give me. It was Christmas of 1999 and he gave me a diamond heart pendant and tiny diamond studs. It's not the carats that count, it was that he picked them out, he surprised me with them and he did it in a sweet way while we were alone, sitting in bed on Christmas eve. I will never forget that and I wore that necklace every day until he walked out. I couldn't bear to wear it after that because it was so special to me. I continue to wear the earrings every day as my second pair.

His history just tells me that unless he asks me what I want and I get very specific with him, then he's not getting anything. That is ok with me really. I just want him to enjoy what I got for him and not feel weird about it.

[MichelleLT]

Give it to him!

I love the plan for your cousin. That's so wonderful.

You are such an amazing person! (((Michelle)))

[mishka422]

Ok, I've been sitting in my living room for 3 hours now with my tree lit, drinking the entire pot of coffee and crying nonstop. This royally [censored]. It's too quiet, Marc is still in bed (it's noon now!), the dog doesn't even want to sit with me. I just want to go back to bed and forget it today.

[kat727]

What happened? Big hugs, I know it will be ok. You can call me you know. I am here.

love, ya kat

[mishka422]

Nothing in particular happened, just emotional in the extreme yesterday. I ended up going to bed until Gabe got back from work. I gave him his present, he got all weird and uncomfortable and said he felt guilty because he hadn't gotten me anything. He also didn't seem to like it much and I had specifically gotten it over a month ago for him because he had mentioned how much he would like to try a pipe. I also bought him some Ferrero Roche because he saw a commercial and mentioned how much he like that. I knew he hadn't gotten me anything and I had already already prepared my answer to that. I told him that the best present was his presence. He just looked at me funny and went on with the evening. Whatever.

After that I had another meltdown right in front of him. How embarrassing. Of all things it was over missing heavy whipping cream. Seriously. I couldn't find it, I knew I had bought it and I needed it to make the sauce for the seafood lasagna. Well, it was nowhere to be found and I started crying and couldn't stop. I think it was just a culmination of all of the sadness from the rest of the day. I spent all morning alone on my couch staring at mom's urn on the mantle, Gabe was acting in a very familiarly strange way (pre-bomb in some ways) and then I couldn't even make the Christmas dinner I had planned. It just got really ugly. Gabe tried to calm me down and make light of it and I kept saying I knew it wasn't worth getting so upset over but it really wasn't the missing cream that was the issue, it was everything else. I calmed down and found a fix on the internet for replacing heavy cream and made dinner.

After that we stood outside and watched it snow. It is the first time in over 100 years that it snowed in Georgia on Christmas. It somehow seemed more magical. Gabe stood there smoking his pipe and then said he really was enjoying it and thanked me for it. I said I was glad especially since he didn't seem to care for it when he opened it. He said he was surprised because it was something he wouldn't have ever done for himself. Um, DUH....that's the point. He is forever telling me that no one listens to him or pays any attention but obviously I do since I got him two things based on what he said he liked. Gees! Who is the one that doesn't listen?

I just don't know what to do. I just feel like this is so one sided and he's only here because he doesn't have another option. I feel like I'm hurting myself because I feel WAY TOO MUCH for him and he feels nothing. It really hurts and I'm getting so tired of being so on guard all the time. It is exhausting.

I'm heading to Florida tomorrow morning for a few days. Maybe I can get my head straight while I'm there. Of course I haven't been able to get in straight in 3 years so I'm not so sure a few days there is going to do it!!! LOL

[MichelleLT]

Awww sweetie. (((Michelle)))

It's funny how the little things push us over the edge sometimes.

Glad everything worked out okay.

Amazing about the snow! That is very magical. Glad he liked his pipe.

Sounds like he was embarrassed/guilty that he didn't get you anything. I know you said he doesn't usually, but the fact that you surprised him was great.

I understand why you feel the R is one-sided. But you don't know that it is. You are making a lot of assumptions. He has other options, he is choosing to be with you and Marc.

Have a good time in Florida. Try and relax and not dwell on it too much.

You have made amazing strides in the last three years. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just keep moving forward.

(((Mishka)))

[Kalni]

Hang in there Mish!!
Holidays is when everything comes out:frustrations, disappointments, fear, confusion. It seems we are feeling we are supposed to be happy in a specific way and when we dont have "that", the world is crumbling down on us. Or that's my feeling at least...

Men and presents are weird. Some just love to give, others dont have it in their brain wiring.

When I let myself sink, there is no "bottom". I have to stop myself cause the hole is too damn deep. Take care of you. Enjoy little things and get your mind off of Gabe a little bit.

Enjoy your trip sweets...
M

[oldtimer]

Hope you are having a great trip! Sorry you were let down at Christmas. Keep in mind that when Gabe acts weird, it is almost certainly because he feels bad about his own actions, so try not to personalize it. If he feels bad, it is about HIM, not about you.

What are your New Year's Resolutions? How about:

1) Live authentically. Stop being on your guard. Simply be yourself.
2) Stop making choices that hurt you.
3) Stop assuming you have perfect insight into what Gabe wants or feels. You don't.
5) Continue to own your choices.
6) Get back on the Wii.

You can never have a good relationship with anyone if YOU aren't who you want to be in the relationship.

[mishka422]

Happy New Year to everyone. It's 1.5 hours until midnight here. Marc is in his room playing Wii (since the new TV is still blown out and they haven't set up a time to come fix it yet - I have to wait until after the 8th to call them again). I'm in my room watching a football game and vegetating. Oh what a lovely NYE.

Gabe is on his way back from work. I took dinner to him at the store and he looked positively depressed and talked like he was super sad. He just called to ask if I needed anything from the store before he came back and he still sounded like he was in the dumps. Oh joy. I'm having a hard enough time without having to try to be 'up' and all happy happy for him. I don't want to. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. How dumb.

There are so many thoughts in my head. I try to not think about why he acts the way he does, what it is he wants out of me, what is going on and where this is going. Obviously I'm not very successful.

I'm looking at your list OT and I honestly don't know how to do any of that.

1) Live authentically? How? I'm terrified to let my guard down. I can't be myself, that is the person that gets dumped on and and discarded.

2)Stop making choices that hurt me? I've stopped making choices because they are all wrong because they all hurt. I now just let things happen as then will and deal with the aftermath. It's not good, but it keeps me from beating myself up for bad choices.

3) I know I don't have perfect insight into what Gabe wants. I have NO insight into what he wants. I only have an idea based on his history with me. That's enough. He's not a complex person.

4)Again.....I make no choices.

5)Can't get on the Wii until I have a TV in my living room that works.

[kat727]

Snap out of it hon!! S18 has friends over so a mini party. I bought pop it's and silly string for midnight. Make your own party!! Time to put the focus on you again. Worrying about what Gabe may or may not be thinking ISA waste of energy. If you want a definition for your relationship, at some point you will need to ask for one.

Have a happy New Year!
Hugs, kat