2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hello fullsteamahead,

Thanks so much for the reply. I appreciate it.

Well, I tried for us to all have fun together. My XW started to suggest it so I wanted to see how it went. It was no fun. Each time I would go I would see no love in my XW eyes. Most of the time she was texted on her phone while we were together.
It left me feeling empty and wanting more. I am sure it confused my kids as well.
Many times my 7 year old daughter would pull my and my XW hands together to hold hands. Thinking back on it I am heart broken for my little daughter.

I have no more interest for us all to get together. It more fun without my x being there.

I believe you are much better off turning down invitations. Looking back I think my XW does it to ease her guilt and as a PR strategy with our kids.

I believe if an X is interested in you and/or getting back with you that they will make that intention very known. I tried being friends with my X and all it did was cause me to be stuck and hurt over and over.

I wish you luck fullsteamahead. Feel free to write me anytime.

[yrsofhurt]

Hello Whitney,

Wow, our situations are similar, and I understand all about developing expectations, and staying emeshed with them. He is always going beyond his responsibilites to me i.e, taking my car to be fixed, buying groceries ec t.ect., and giving me more money than the divorce awarded me. He will call me and tell me to be careful when the roads are bad, he will call me 'honey' on occasion. Because he is at my house often when I am working inorder for our son to be home ( I don't work but twice a week, but they are long hours), he also does my laundry, takes care of my dog. But, he never talks about coming home.

I am sure he is trying to relieve his guilt, and at the same time keep that tiny carrot dangling in the event that his "soulmate" doesn't show up. It has worked. I am still here, still hoping for my family to be put back together. My heart breaks for my son, for the pain he has endured, and for the years he has had half a mother due to my pain.

I am so thankful enough time has passed that I can enjoy life again, and be present for my child. Lately, not only am I enjoying life, but I am having less emotions, and feelings regarding my ex. And although that is a good thing, it is concerning also, in that I am afraid if I stop having feelings, then it is really over. Nevertheless, I have been close to telling him, like you did your ex, that I want him either to come home or stay away, but just haven't done it yet.

Thank you for sharing so much about your situation, it has helped me so much.

[whitneypinch]

Hello yrsofhurt,

Thanks so much for your reply. It means a lot to me to get responses.

Of course I don't have the answers but for me I "think" having very little contact with my XW will help me through the day.

I don't even know who my X is anymore. She is so different than the person I married. Some of my friends have suggested that my X is now who she always was and that she changed to suit me when we met each other. They might be right.

A few times in the last month I have seen glimpses of my old wife. That is heartbreaking to see. I just want to reach out when I see that.

I think for most of us we hold onto a glimmer of hope. When we finally push back it's our way of saying goodbye. I believe we finally start to get our own lives back and start to realize we deserve better.

For me I just can not accept that given the chance to work on our family my XW did absolutely nothing. My 2 beautiful kids are starting to show signs of deep hurt and trouble yet my XW does nothing.

In her last note to me she said she was sorry and would always be. I am not sure that made me feel any better. I think a lot of people on this board would be grateful to hear sorry from they Xs. For me it just stung that it's really over.

I think the best thing for our x spouses to do is say over and over that they are not interested in us. I think that helps us move on. When they are being kind to us it's hard for us to tell if it's out of guilt or they are feeling warm and fuzzy towards us.

Believe it or not I am very grateful for this to have happened to me. It has gave me the greatest gift of all and that is appreciation and compassion.
It has also driven me to seek out projects with meaning to work on.

Yrsofhurt, I applaude you for having the strength to go through what you are dealing with. I hope it works out for you.
You too may find that it's too much to take and ask your XH to leave you alone.
Each case and person is different.

Please feel to write anytime.

[whitneypinch]

Hey yrsofhurt,
I went and read some of your posts.
My god I saw your post about your son saying that your H should move back because you were not fighting.
You are absolutely right in that life is so simple. We should all just work it out, especially since we have kids.
I am in exactly the same situation. My X and I get along great. My daughter always tries to put us together. It really is that simple.

My mom left my dad 40 years ago. She recently told me that had my dad offered an once of effort to at least try to work on things that she would have worked it out with him. She does say that she is 100% happy with the man she re-married but had me dad even tried she would have kept our family intact.
My mom is livid that my XW does not even try to do anything given that I would do anything/everything for my family.

I am at the point where seeing the pain my kids are in and that my XW will do nothing that I am starting to really not like my XW.

[MeMyselfandI]

Whitney, I can completely understand how you feel about starting to not like you XW when you see how much pain your kids are in. I get this feeling a lot and wonder how the WAS can not see the pain they are causing.

I don't know what it is that makes them think that you can still carry on like a family.

My heart goes out to you and your kids.

[AtTheEnd?]

I can relate to whitneypinch. I get the same thing. I think that I need to move on for my own sanity. The WAS does this because they think they don't have any other choice. They will have to hit bottom before they realize what they have done.

The refusal to work on anything is maddening. It drives me crazy to figure that out, but may it's better to just let it go and move on.

[whitneypinch]

I think it's best to move on BUT it takes a long time to get to that point of strength.
It has taken me 3 years to get to this point.
I just find that I am better off with no contact from her. We have tried this in the past but we both seem to cave in.
We will see what happens this time.

Tanks everyone for all the responses.
Keep them coming...

[AtTheEnd?]

Good luck to you. Another crazy part is that deep down she misses you (thus the breaking no contact). My STBXW does the same thing. One moment resentful, next very nice. It's a pattern that repeats, but I need it to stop. I need to move on for my own health.

[whitneypinch]

Yep, that is exactly the situation.
She will have a birthday party for my 6 year old son with all his school friends, relatives and her friends then phone me on the way home with my son to tell me about it.

I leave her for a few days and she is sending me hugs in emails etc.
I get sucked back in and then the expectations start to happen.

I too need it to stop so I can move on in a healthy way.

[whitneypinch]

Hey, just so all of you know out there...my WAW is just like all the others.

On Saturday last week I emailed my XW and told her not to send me photos from her upcoming trip to Florida. It's too painful for me to see my kids and not be there on our annual trip.
I also told her that I no longer wanted to have our cute little emails back and forth when we have a family that we should be working on.
She replied that she understood and that she would take my lead and do what I wished. She ended the note that she was sorry for all of this and would always be. She did not have enough feeling to work on our relationship.

They all left on their trip Monday morning.
On Wednesday evening I received a photo of my kids eating caramel apples from Florida with this note:
"Kiddies sending sweet caramel love to daddy! We'll call u in the morning.
XOXOXO from all including mommy."

See what I am dealing with here !
This is the pattern. If I reciprocated anything loving back to her I would not get a response.

I just replied:
"Cute, and yummy". Will speak in the morning"

The kids phoned in the morning and my XW never even came on the phone.

Blahhhhh