# 73 - Ocean

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like a great opportunity for a do-over to me.

Actions speak louder than words my dear, and his actions have been saying he is there. You are both doing the work it seems. So why doubt yourself?

[Kalni]

This is your future... Happy New Year everyone,
YOU are the best!
M

[kat727]

Right back at ya!! I know things are going to be incredible for you. Believe it.

love and hugs, kat

[mishka422]

Happy New Year Maria. Have a wonderful trip with your H making special memories together.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Maria, I guess you are away, I hope you and your H and kids manage to have a little fun, or maybe just some relaxation. Yes, stress can cause your chest to feel heavy and your heart to fluctuate, I get that too.

Its a very hard time for you and you are bound to feel resentments towards your H more keenly right now, because you are wounded and vunerable after losing your Dad. It heightens everything. Try and accept this and not place too much 'importance' on it. You cant have your parents marriage, as Kat says. Your parents married in a very different time and era, when marriage WAS for life and people had less choices, or believed that they did. Walking out on kids and getting divorced was uncommon and frowned upon 40 years ago! I really feel for your Mum and its stories like that that make me want to be sure I feel things NOW, not look back and regret the conversations I could have and should of had.

I watched a programme last night about Siberia. An amazing man ran a spiritual retreat there. He said, we should feel more, and think less. We should ignore all the information flying at us. We should instead notice that we are just sat, with a loved one, or talking to a friend. To feel that. Feel the sun and the wind in your face. Just be in the here and now.

It really touched me and maybe that kind of thinking will help you through the coming days and weeks.

I hope people are talking to you about your Dad, H, your brother, friends etc. You need to cycle over the memories. Just becuase someone has physically gone, doesnt mean that they are gone from your heart and mind. That was the biggest thing that hurt H after his Dad died - within weeks, noone ever mentioned his Dad to him. Like they were afraid to.

Much love and hugs, always here for you,
Al xxx

[awest1217]

Happy New Year! I am wishing you the best this year. 2010 was a hard year. I hope your vacation has done the trick to give you some relaxation to rejuvenate.

[kat727]

Hope you are doing well, including your foot. Take everything one day at a time, be happy with each good thing that comes your way.

kat

[Kalni]

I am back and still feeling very sad. I hope the grief goes away eventually. I miss my dad so much. As they say, absence is "louder" than presence. And my mom is not coping well. She started talking about how her life is coming to an end...

The trip was fine. We had a good time. No snow but still we had fun. The kids loved it. They saw a fox, rode horses, played with dogs etc etc.

H was nice and caring. We didnt make make love at all which was fine with me, I am not in the mood lately but I figured something was off and asked him and he said I once told him he was the worst lover. Not true although I had said something like that during one of our heated convos. I knew then it was harsh but didnt think he noticed. Well, he did. Funny, I feel I have every reason to feel insecure in regards to sex and now he feels it too...

Anyway, things are ok in general. LIfe has been a bit strange and there are moments when I feel I want to escape. But they dont last long.

Hope everyone is ok and enjoying a good year already,
xxx

[MichelleLT]

The grief will go away eventually. But like everything, it takes time. Patience my dear. That dreaded word.

Things are rarely as one-sided as we believe. And it is so ironic that words can never be recaptured. Once they are out they have the power to wound forever.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Maria, it could be a few years before you are able to remember your Dad and not feel that awful grief at his loss. I know H is ok now, but it took 3-4 years. Everyone is different. Have you, or can you speak to a bereavement counsellor at all? I'm sorry about your Mum, its going to be such a hard time for her. Having her grandchildren nearby might help her eventually. Is your son still popping down to see her?

Wow, so maybe that explains alot of H's previous reluctance in the bedroom department??

Glad you are 'ok', love Al xxx