Right now I am not curious. Anything she says about the weekend, even if it was disaster, would push daggers into my heart. I am being brutally honest about not wanting to be on the same planet with her right now.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I don't blame you at all! I would be so p*ssed off. I don't know how you kept yourself from packing all of her stuff and putting it in the driveway. You are showing more strength for your children than I may possess. You are definitely the better person in this sitch.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I don't even want to touch her knowing she's been with OM.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Tonight one my friends called saying that he needed to talk to me. He had spoken with my BIL earlier today and was told about OM. My friend didn't know anything about OM. BIL told him about it and how much time my wife is spending with the guy. That she has even 'crashed' at his place. She still claims that nothing physical is going on. On one hand I believe her bc she has always had very high moral standards. On the other hand, I'm not stupid and I am now well versed in the WAW behaviors from this board.
The truth is that no one knows what is actually happening bw wife and OM except for them. My problem is that I am absolutely consumed by thoughts of what MAY be happening. I can't get it out of my mind. Hearing of this conversation bw friend and BIL took me back about 10 steps in trying to detach. I am so sad and sick with worry right now that I can't express it in words. The idea of my wife with OM is destroying me.
I wish that I could just hate her and begin to end this pain!! I still love her though and I also know that I did a lot to push her into the mental state that she is. I am blaming myself for what is happening. I feel that I need to actively forgive her as this is going on for that reason. It just hurts so badly.
I'm sorry for hijacking your thread IAP, but you and I are in somewhat similar situations. I'm also sorry for being so pathetic. I am normally very strong and confident. But I feel so weak, sad, and betrayed right now...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
"I am in a business that has been struggling for a couple of years; let me tell you it takes its toll. The stress is enough to hurt your R even if it is unintentional. I used to complain about my W's spending, but did not want to discuss the job w/her to keep her from worrying - my mistake. I probably should have shared more and kept her "partnership" in our R. I don't have any advice to give, but you may want to assure your H that you are standing by him for "better or worse". Beneath the passion and romance you have to have a foundation of partnership and respect for each other. My W and I lost that and became too independent of each other, and then things spiraled out of control. The OM came along just when she was having a MLC and was vulnerable. Now I have a deep hole to dig our R out of."
I just saw this post from you on another thread. I am amazed how similar your situation is to mine. My biz has been struggle for the past 2 years too. I shielded my wife from what was going on with that and with our personal finances, yet I was suffering from the effects of the stress and became distant. We too became too independent of one antoher and things got out of control. OM came along while she was vulnerable and here we are!
I am being very hard on myself for not seeing this as it was occurring. I consider myself a smart person, yet I totally missed the boat with the thing that is most important to me.
How are you dealing with your role in what occurred? I am having a really hard time.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Well it's all water under the bridge now. We just have to move forward. Like they say "hindsight is 20/20".
We haven't "talked" since the weekend. I've been avoiding her like the plague. I know I don't think I can keep my cool right now. Besides, let her sweat, I know she's got some emotions happening. And I want to make Christmas happy for the kids. I am detaching from her "drama".
If she comes to her senses fine, and if she files for D fine. I am prepared to deal with both in due course. My hope is the former of course, but I cannot allow myself to think of "what might happen." only whats' going on from day to day. Either way it's going to take a lot of time and patience.
It's difficult to gauge anyone in a MLC and an EA, so I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time thinking (fretting) about it.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
If she comes to her senses fine, and if she files for D fine. I am prepared to deal with both in due course. My hope is the former of course, but I cannot allow myself to think of "what might happen." only whats' going on from day to day. Either way it's going to take a lot of time and patience.
It's difficult to gauge anyone in a MLC and an EA, so I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time thinking (fretting) about it.
I want to be where you are with all of this very, very soon. I feel like I have moments where I feel somewhat detached and strong, but then those moments are so easily replaced by that sick feelling and fear of losing W forever.
Had a fairly long text msg conversation with my W tonight. It was mostly negative in that she reiterated that we are finished and that she has trust issues with me that she doesn't believe could be resolved. But I did take some positive out of it in that she showed the emotion of anger when she realized that I was having a simultaneous text conversation with a friend. I didn't tell her who I was having this conversation with and she immediately became angry and asked me if it was my girlfriend. WTF! Here she is spending tons of time with OM in an EA that she claims to only be friendship and she accuses me of wrong doing without any evidence to back her up! BTW, there is no g/f. But it was at least encouraging that she still cares about the idea of me being with someone else. So she angrily said that she was going to file for divorce soon and that we could save time if I filed with her. To which, I gave her a 'dropping the rope' speech that I found on here on another threat:
"I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."
I felt like I kind of took some control back with that and let her know that I AM beginning to come to terms with her wanting a divorce. But that if she wants it, she's going to have to do the work.
Anyway, that's my update. Keep up the good work!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey, YOU are getting there! The detaching, I mean.
Its a process, and it comes in small bits and pieces. There will be days that you are totally attached to your spouse' coming and goings. Right now, with Christmas and D11's bday coming up, I am again turning into an emotional wreck.
Hang in there, go shopping, and have a good Christmas!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
"Hang in there, go shopping, and have a good Christmas!"
Thanks Angel, You too. I visited your thread at MLC BTW. I've got a lot of reading to do at some of those links. The more I read, the more I recognize symptoms of MLC in my WAW.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
It has been two months to the day that bomb was dropped, and a miserable two months it's been. Don't mind me, I am just journaling a little.
I woke up this morning surprised at myself that I could harbor such intense disdain, hatred, contempt, whatever you want to call, it for another human being. Her meanness and unkindness toward me have taken its toll, and I am sorely tempted to immerse her in crisis, but now is not the time. W seems to be acting secure I will not exposure her to kids and friends, but little does she know that I am only human. The time will come and I will know it. She will face a crisis.
Little by little her infidelity and MLC fantasy plans will surely leak out and it wont take long I imagine. Some of our best friends already know, but act around her like all is normal. That's fine with me, but they're only human too.
The kids, well they will be in denial in spite of what they see happening, until somebody drops a bomb on them, but it wont be me. There's no way in hell, I will ever sit side by side with W explaining that we "agree" to D or S, no way. I intend to make it abundantly clear to them that I have never wanted a D, and it is she and only she who does. And the next time she wants to talk D, it'll be abundantly clear to W too.
Later on today I expect, my bitter feelings to subside as they usually do. I just hope I can control myself enough to continue DBing without a setback of one kind or another.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
