Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[hope for zen]

Hey Alb, just trying to catch up on some sitches. Always admire your grace and dignity in dealing with your H. It is so hard not to get pulled into their sickness.

Thumbs up on looking into MC for yourself. I did that early on and am still going. That and this board here have really helped me a lot. Don't think I would be holding it together nearly as well if I hadn't found safe places to vent and work through my current challenges.

I think you probably did the right thing defriending your H on FB. You have told him your issue with him still keeping contact with OW. This is the only way to protect yourself from his continued drama. He may be upset though, and may even see it as you punishing him. MLCers are most comfortable in the victim roll.

Take care, Alb. Hope you and your D have a good holiday.
(((hugs)))

[TAMF]

Hello my friend! just catching up on your sitch. It is a process, this reconnecting and starting new. You are so strong and have kept your emotions in control. I envy that :-)

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

[PEI]

Merry Christmas to you and yours Alb!

Peace
PEI

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

So it's been about a week since my last post. When I made my last post, I was out of town while H stayed at the house with D. The night before I came back, he was totally flirty on IM (which he hadn't done in a while). He made some not so subtle innuendos about stuff we'd do when I got back (if you get my drift). So as I drove back home the next day, I was looking forward to seeing him. About halfway through my 3.5 hour drive, he called me and let me know he wasn't feeling well and needed to go back home. D would just stay on her own for an hour or so. That was fine, but still a let down. Then, once I got home, the house was in a bit of disarray. Not horrible mind you, but certainly not as tidy as I keep it. It just put me in a dour mood. I'd worked 10 hours, drove 3.5 hrs, then came home to a house with no H as promised and a slight mess. I tidied what I could, ate a quick dinner and went to bed. I was starting to reach my wits end. I didn't feel married. I had a H that kept saying he'd move back but seemed to flee every time I was around lately. In fact, that night, I took my wedding ring off because I just didn't feel married any longer.

In the middle of the night, I was awoken by my H. He had driven back over. His first words to me were "Sorry I'm so broken". I was barely awake but asked why he said that. He said "I should've just stayed". Needless to say, that mean an enormous amount to me just then. It made me realize that he WAS trying but he was dealing with difficult emotions. He climbed into bed with me and I slept well.

I had to work the next few days but locally. H watched D at home and when I got back in the evening, he had brought his suitcase. He has been at home since. Each night, I'm prepared for him to say he's going back to his place, but so far he hasn't done so. However, he's still living out of his suitcase and hasn't put anything in the closet. But everything at it's own pace. Last night, he had an anxiety attack while in bed. I asked him if he needed to go home. He said he'd just take a Xanax and take a shower. He didn't sleep well at all, but stayed.

You may recall I defriended H on FB recently. After a few days, he texted me and asked

H - "You defriended me on FB?"

Me - Yeah. OW has started commenting/liking your posts recently and that wasn't good for my mental health. It was for me, not against you.

H - I know. I'm sorry. I should have cleaned house before now.

That was last week. I still haven't re-friended him. As far as I know, he's still FB friends with OW. He's mentioned several times recently that he doesn't like not being FB friends with me but he understands why I did it. I know he realizes he will have to defriend her in order for me to refriend him. I don't think the OW will stop posting on his stuff. I also know he will feel bad for having to do so and that is probably what's keeping him from taking that next step. I will be patient.

So overall things are looking up. I continue to take things one day at a time. I've been working a lot recently and haven't had much time to look into seeing a MC (for myself). But I plan to do so once I have a little more time available.

The busiest time of the year is just a few weeks away for H. He will be working at a conference for two weeks in a nearby town. I know for a fact that OW was at the conference last year and HAD planned to attend this year. However, last I heard from H, she didn't want to go if they weren't going as an open couple. However, she had already requested time off from work and may instead use that time to look for housing nearby since she's moving back to the area. So a bit of stress inducing times are ahead. But as with all things, worrying will help nothing. I will continue to take things one day at a time.

I wish all my DB friends a Happy New Year!

[TAMF]

I am so glad that he showed up that night and hasn't left since! big step I think. I really feel bad for him...to have such anxiety over a small thing like sleeping back at home again. I am glad he is trying to work through it. That takes strength and determination when you are depressed.

You are my role model for staying calm and understanding. I say to myself "If Al can do it, so can I!"

[ericmsant2]

Alb

[quote]You are my role model for staying calm and understanding[/quote}
This ^^^^ is an understatment!

Your doing well Alb...

Have a wonderful new year!

Eric

[Albuquerque]

Thanks TAMF and Eric. Both of you are just as amazing.

Just a quick update. Something amusing (in a disturbing type of way) happened yesterday. As I've said, I defriended H on FB because the OW started commenting on his posts again. He knows this. He knows why I did it. So I haven't seen any of H's posts for the last week.

At dinner last night, H and D were chatting and D made a joke that I guess referenced some FB post. Then out of the blue, D exclaims "Who IS "insert OW's name" anyhow? She's getting annoying" My H simply responded, "just a friend" and left it at that. I said nothing but found it disturbing and funny at the same time. Clearly, her posting is continuing and probably increasing. And NEVER, and I really thought about this, has D EVER mentioned being annoyed by anyone on H's FB friend list before. Hopefully, this was a wake-up call for H. Perhaps not. Time will tell. Probably a damn good thing for my own mental health that I'm not FB friends with him. If the OW is anything like me (which H said she was), then she will be as tenacious as me and I'm pretty damn tenacious....

[TAMF]

So has he ended it with OW or not? Does he think they are just "friends" now? With as much fb communication they have, it doesn't sound like it is over and she is trying to emphasize this on fb. probably hoping that it is driving you crazy.

Our men and thier inability to "hurt" the OW when it seemed so easy for them to hurt us is really disturbing.

Shake it off, stay grounded in reality and keep focused on us.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

The day after the awkward D incident at dinner, I asked H why my D would be getting annoyed at OW on FB. He said he didn't know. He explained that he had made a post and she responded as did a bunch of others. That got us into a discussion about his keeping her on his FB friend list. He told me (and I verified) that he had defriended a bunch of friends he had made via OW. But that he had not defriended OW and he explained why. She is mutual friends with a lot of his coworkers. He states that he doesn't think she would do or say anything, but that not defriending her allows him to keep an eye on stuff to make sure she doesn't say anything publicly out of anger or hurt. He said that he regrets the whole thing, but still doesn't feel he did anything wrong because he was in a mindset at the time that our marriage was over. We've calmly disagreed on this topic in the past (his not doing anything wrong) so I didn't go into it again. He said that he's concerned that if he defriends her it might make things worse and she might say some stuff that could be professionally damaging. He knows that he's ended up hurting both of us which isn't helping his anxiety issues.

All of what he says is true. I know she knows a lot of my H's coworkers and his explanation has some merit. It doesn't make it right, but I see his point. He talked about being able to filter his posts so that she doesn't see them but that if he friended me again, I'd still see the posts she made. I told him that I had ALWAYS seen her posts even when they were together. It's not that that's the issue. I told him that if she's anything like me (which he's claimed) then she's as tenacious as me. And if so, may be biding her time or figuring that she only has to wait 3 years until my D graduates and then she can have H (probably a bit of crazy talk on my part but who knows). When I said that, my H burst out laughing and said "what the heck is wrong with the both of you that you'd want me!". I didn't find it funny and didn't laugh. I don't know that he noticed since we were having this conversation in bed. I told him that I didn't feel like I should jump through hoops in order to have him as a FB friend and he agreed. But he did say he missed having me on there as a friend and that he liked being able to have me see his posts. We pretty much ended it there.

The next day, I thought about it a lot. I saw his point and I felt that I'd made mine. Despite hating to see the posts, knowledge is power and I'd rather be able to see the posts and comments being made. So the next day, I friend requested him. That was on New Years Eve. He saw it that night and said jokingly "I'll have to think about that.". He has not accepted yet.

In a way, I like where this stands. Previously, it was me that was the roadblock. Now, it's in his hands. He can no longer bemoan the fact that I can't see his posts or that I'm not his friend. The ball's in his court. It wasn't my intention to do that but I like it and it's telling. As with everything, I'll continue to watch and observe.

These next few weeks will be rough. The conference that he works at is next week. This is an extremely stressful time for him every year and this year is no different. The fact that he's got all this additional stuff to deal with is not making it any easier on him. I normally would walk on eggshells around him during this time of the year and plan to do the same. I will not mention OW or FB or anything until its all over. He just has too much on his plate. He DID tell me that OW will be moving about 30 minutes away from us. She had the whole state to pick from and she picks an area 30 minutes away from us. Yeah, that's not coincidence.

As for H, he has stayed most nights at the house but has left a few nights due to sleep or anxiety issues. He continues to live out of a suitcase and hasn't moved any of his stuff back. Therefore, I reclaimed the whole closet again. If he's going to drag his feet, I'm going to enjoy my closet space. I see him trying to overcome his anxiety issues. Sometimes he pushes through, other times he retreats. He still does not wear his wedding ring. He is still seeing a psychologist although not regularly lately due to all the time needed for his job right now.

As for me, I continue my pole dancing classes. I wish I had a pole at home. Some of those moves are tricky and I could use the practice. I've also been dragging my feet on training, but it's about time I get back into shape for triathlons. It helps keep me occupied. I also need to read more. I was reading tons prior to H peeking out of the fog and that's seemed to stop. I need to get back into that.

This situation is certainly better than I had 6 months ago, but I am still plagued with doubt, worry, despair, fear, anxiety, suspicion etc. Some days are good but then others I feel like I'm losing it. These next few weeks will be toughest on me because starting next week he will be gone for 2 weeks and OW may very well attend the conference. I will be there for part of it, but due to childcare issues, can't attend the whole thing. As always, I continue to take things one day at a time.

[irishblessings]

Alb....
To me - you have the patience of a saint. As I read your post - all I want to say is "protect Alb / protect D"
I have faith in whatever decisions you make with those thoughts in mind!
IB