MLC, H & me...moving foward

[punkin]

CW,

First, I think you did very well, as Cas said. You were gracious under pressure. Remained calm and cooperative for the kids sake. You did what you had to do to keep peace on Christmas.

Second, the next time he pulls that crap, be prepared. He's found out he can do it, so buy a pit bull, so to speak. My H pulled that on me when I came home from surgery. A sneak attack. If he shows up at my door again, I'm going to tell him I am not a convenience store, and he can't just walk in at will. Make an appointment. Through my lawyer.

I know with kids, it makes things difficult, but still. It's your house, it's your kids, IT'S YOUR CHRISTMAS. His wishes are no longer at the top of your list.

Sorry I'm ranting, but that stuff p**s's be off. He just assured himself of your being alone and your plans left in limbo.

[courageous wife]

Thanks Mila and Cas

It was not easy "rolling with it"

and punkin! You are absolutely right...this won't happen again.

I think communication has always been a problem in our R. The other day, I told him that after brunch, we had nothing going on so if he wanted to get them, it'd be ok, but I also asked him to call me if he decided to do that....he didn't call, so I made the plans to go to a movie. I really don't think he did this on purpose...he heard this

if he wanted to get them, it'd be ok,

and the rest was blah, blah, blah!!!

Now, we will see what happens today. I asked him to call me if the kids decided to stay an extra night!

[seeking answers]

CW,

Giving a different perspective on yesterday's events. Do you find it a bit strange that H shows up unannounced at your house with presents while everyone is there? Is it possible he wanted to be part of that? Do you think your H might have asked for the kids to cover up why he was really there, especially since SS and DIL left rather abruptly?

[goodattitudegirl]

Seeking,

Your explanation resonates with me. H wanted to be part of the fun. He thought that if he brought gifts he would be allowed to join the celebration.

CW, you mentioned something about communication problems between you and H. That reminded me that awhile back, one of my hair stylists shared that she and her H are going through a rough patch. She knows how I feel about working on M. She shared that she knows she has a tendency to "zone out" when her H is talking because she has been listening to her clients talk about their personal lives for 30 years. That must be incredibly draining!

CW, I don't remember what your H does for a living. Is it possible that he may do something similar?

GAG

[courageous wife]

Sweet SA!!!

I would love, more than anything if your interpretation were true...had he brought the S15 and D12's gifts with him, I might be able to believe that but he didn't...just SS's and grandkids.

GAG-I am a hairstylist so I totally understand what she is saying! H works in a factory on a machine so not a lot of convo going on except on break.

I am throwing this out there...I have noticed a difference in how H communicates in that when I call him, he seems to be more distant, cold and in a hurry to get off the phone. When he is here at the house getting the kids, he is chatty and talkative. Also, when he is the one to call, sometimes it is the distant H and sometimes it is the friendly, chatty H.

I am just guessing but think that how he acts depends on if OW is around or not. He works with her, he rides with her, he lives with her.

He was friendly yesterday but I felt anger in him...haven't felt that for awhile! Also, this was the first time that all of us have been in the same house with H for almost a year.

Anyway, too much time on my hands today! Thinking too much about H!!! lol

[seeking answers]

CW,

Could it be possible that ow wouldn't have wanted H to bring S and D presents with him? Maybe she insisted that they had something to open at her place.

[courageous wife]

Thought I'd update!

Thurs. S15 had an ortho appt that H was to take him to as I had to work.
H came bearing "heating material" and unloaded it by the basement door rather than clear out by the corner as he has been doing. S called me at work to tell me that before they left for the appt. I think he wanted to tell me that his Dad fixed the pickup and brought wood.

H took S to appt. and then they came back home and H cleaned the chimney and he and S got a fire going. The temps started out close to 50 but dropped mid-afternoon into the 20's so I was thankful to come home to a warm house!

I had been home about 20mins and the phone rang and it was H. S answered...H just wanted to know how warm it was in the house and if the fire was going good. This is the first time that he has followed up.

I had been worrying about if H would put money in our acct to cover the house payment...we pay every 2 weeks. H had already paid the support amount for the month but this month he received a 3rd paycheck so I didn't know what he would do. I was going to talk to him and ask if he would help out with it but decided to let it go and see what happened. I did transfer money from savings to cover the payment just in case.

Well, I was very surprised to see that a deposit had been made in the usual amount this morning. I was very relieved!!! I admit that while I didn't have any expectations, I felt really good about the events involving H the last couple of days.

Got busy around the house and checked my email and see a Potential OD announcement from my bank...check the acct and a ONUS withdrawal of the amount H deposited minus $100 had been withdrawn. I am guessing that the whole amount would have been withdrawn had I not transferred the money I put in back out. Talk about my PMA spiraling out of control!!! He no longer has a debit card to this acct but drove 50miles to walk-in and withdraw that money. Apparently, he forgot to cancel that automatic deposit.

I need to admit how stupid I was to not have our joint acct closed. Despite everything that H has done, I guess I just wanted to trust him...yeah, I know, right?

Anyway, I guess Monday morning, I will drive to the bank and get the form for him to sign to get him off this acct. I am tempted to also get busy with the property agreement and get this D overwith. Probably a good thing I have a couple of days to think about all of this and what it means besides the obvious fact that he is still very much in MLC!!!

Ok...so tomorrow is going to be better because it is a New Year, right?

[Mila]

OH CW - As I was reading the first part of your post I'm thinking wow maybe H is peeking out....but then I get to the second half....and yeah you know what I mean.....they could still get to us right?....

Concentrate on the positives....he did bring and stacked the wood, cleaned the chimney and he did call to follow up....that's progress isn't it?

And with the payments, do you think that he remembers that you pay every 2 weeks....maybe he is thinking that it's 2x a month...and he already paid 2x so he thought that he overpaid....but good thinking to get him off of the account if you can....

I totally understand the occasional urge to get it over with and file for D....been there....but then another day comes and I feel differently....As you said it's probably good that you have couple of days to think about it....

(((hugs)))

[courageous wife]

do you think that he remembers that you pay every 2 weeks

It's possible Mila. I was the one that always took care of paying the bills.

[AntoniaB]

It doesn't matter if tomorrow is instantaneously "better" because it's a new year.

Bottom line is that it will be a better year because by your asking that question, you show the capacity for hope. If you have hope, it will be better. No doubt. Hope is about you and yours. It's about what is closest to you and the things that get you through the day. It's not about him. If he is good for you, then great, but hope is about YOU. Hang onto that, and your 2011 will be better :-)