Don't apologize. Pity parties are a given. You are allotted a certain number when you become a member. Just don't overdo it. Yes, you are right, but I believe you are more than just a 'little angry'. And that's okay, too.
As for the responsibility, well, look at it as a learning experience. One of you has to be the strong, responsible one. For your D, if for nothing else. It obviously is you. Take pride in that and that you are pulling it off. Every day. 24-7
Take note of your own quote, Zen. You are going through Hell - keep going!
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Thank you, Punkin. I feel like I'm getting my feet under me again. Last night's Christmas light walk with D was nice, and I was able to get some sleep. Annother low patch this morning, but I pulled it back together before D woke up. She goes to daddy for the next couple days and she is excited to see him. Don't want her seeing me upset before she goes.
These low points are fewer and further apart, but they are still so intense. You are right too. I am more than a little angry. Not all the time though, and I work hard not to let my anger make my decisions for me.
Maybe I'm in the middle of some growing pains too. Going to take the next couple days that D is off with daddy to rest and catch up on some housework. Need to work through some big shifts in atitudes too. Feel like I am changing, but I'm not finished yet. This is such a strange place.
I am circling round and round. The thing I keep coming back to is the dishonesty. Yes, my H's lying and cheating hurt. But what is eating me up is my own dishonesty.
I am 99% sure H is having an affair. EA/PA, doesn't matter. He would split hairs on it, but I don't think that it really matters when or even if body fluid were exchanged. The end result is that he is leaving me for someone else.
I know that the affair meets unmet needs, it's a symptom and not the cause, yada. yada, yada…
Point is that I know. H most likely knows that I know. Or he thinks I'm an idiot. Or that I'm in denial. Or that I don’t care. What he thinks isn’t the point though.
I'm sick of acting as-if. I'm sick of covering for him.
I don't have any ultimatums to give.
I don't expect this to wake him up.
I don't expect him to come home.
I'm not out to confront or expose. I just want these games to stop. It is these as-if games that left a hole in our R that OW crawled into.
I want to be honest with him. Even if all we are together anymore are parents to our beautiful little girl. That is still such an important R, with no room for this cr*p.
Not going to rush this, I’m not ready. I won't be doing anything different till at least after the holidays. Only thing I really want to change is this, not my approach to my H. Kind of think H is planning another bomb drop too, so I will be facing something.
Like 25 said, it could be our last Christmas as a family. H wants to spend Christmas with us. I don't want D to miss that. If I'm honest, I don't want to miss it either.
Still just trying to rest and let myself figure this out. Its not just OW I have let get swept under the rug, but lots of stuff.
I am so confused. Woke up this morning thinking maybe I am just wanting to take control back. H has to know that I know. Maybe I shouldn't worry about what has been done or not done in the past. Only try to live my life this way going forward.
Am I trying to correct mistakes in the past when I should be building strength for the challenges that are in front of me?
So many questions. No clear answers.
*****
Mostly doing ok, despite my confused state. Tonight is my second night off from being mom. I get my girl back tomorrow morning, so I'm trying to get everything I can done before then.
D continues to adjust well. Still have behavior issues, but now seem more in the normal range. Nice to hear a happy little girl on the phone when she is with her daddy instead of how sad she was before. H continues to maintain a slightly higher level of contact. Things are more relaxed right now.
Did a bunch of shopping last night and set up a little-cousin play date for tomorrow afternoon. Tonight I want to clean house and catch up on paperwork. Also want to set up for holiday projects to do with D this weelend. Main goal is to be asleep within 5 minutes of D's night-night call though. Need to shake this sinus cold and get some rest.
Bit random, but I bought a cute tank top last night without trying it on. Wore it today, and I think it is on my list of favorite pieces of clothing now. Fits perfect, cute, fun, slimming. Love it. Lots of compliments too. Just gave me a bit of a boost today.
I am so confused. Woke up this morning thinking maybe I am just wanting to take control back. H has to know that I know. Maybe I shouldn't worry about what has been done or not done in the past. Only try to live my life this way going forward.
Am I trying to correct mistakes in the past when I should be building strength for the challenges that are in front of me?
So many questions. No clear answers.
Tough stuff isn't it? The questions and answers part of all this is normal.
You are doing a wonderful job right now. The majority of your focus is on you and your D which is great. Stay in the moment and please do not let this...
Originally Posted By: hope for zen
Kind of think H is planning another bomb drop too, so I will be facing something.
be the reason for your unrest. Have faith in yourself, you'll do what's right for you when/if the time comes.
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Tonight is my second night off from being mom. I get my girl back tomorrow morning, so I'm trying to get everything I can done before then.
Ahh yes, all too familiar....dishes, laundry, cleaning blah blah blah. It's nice to use your alone time to get caught up with everything. This can also be a fun time for you too. Shopping for a new shirt? Nice!! Getting out with friends and enjoy yourself with this time is refreshing too.
Quote:
Need to shake this sinus cold and get some rest.
Yes indeed, you don't want it lingering around for Christmas.
It may not seem like it to you right now, but you are handling all this extremely well.
Take good care of yourself, get better, and have a wonderful holiday!
Thanks for the encouragment, Trapt. I am having a hard time knowing what to do to, especially now that I no longer focusing as much on H & the M. I think I will be uncomfortable for a while. Lots of changes going on in me, that I have a hard time understanding.
One thing I am proud of is how much better I am doing at recovering from my low periods. I am trying hard to live in the present and be ok with just doing my best. Not an easy task for a perfectionist and control freak. I still have a long way to go too.
My original plan tonight was to go catch a movie with a friend, but I just felt I was pushing myself too hard. I want to be able to enjoy my weekend instead of trying to juggle housework and an active 3yr old. I do plan on having a 'night out' with the girls soon though.
H surprised me a bit last night by asking if I wanted to come see the resaurant when I pick D up this morning. Managing the resaurant was one of his 'reasons' for leaving. Don't know why he had to leave to do this, but I no longer expect him to be rational.
Anyway, getting up, going to look as good as I can, and heading over to pick up my sweet little girl and see all my H's hopes and dreams.
This morning was an unusually high number of texts back n' forth before meeting with H. I was feeling a bit flirty this morning, but kept it VERY light. Ended up with H asking if I wanted to have breakfast together before seeing the restaurant. Said sure, and we had a good time.
H was a bit reserved, but not at all bad. I think I was starting to move in too close, so I pulled back and things went better. Also found out H had slept only an hour last night because D had been up repeatedly from a runny nose and was crying for me.
Over all he responded very well though. We had planned on seeing his family Christmas Eve & then doing Day here. His sister ended up inviting all to dinner on Day too. I asked if H was planning on going. He made a face and said he hadn't planned on it. I said fine. I would rather stay home than do another big event.
He sounded happy about spending Christmas day together, and even said he wants to grill out here for dinner that day. Sounds good to me and made me think I may wrap up a bag of charcoal under the tree for him. Hee hee...
