Don't give up. This C sounds wonderful. If your W responds to C then there is a lot of hope. Even if she doesn't want to hear some things that the C says, if she likes her then that will be a plus.
Thanks for letting us hear from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
C told W that staying for the kids and the security were the right reasons to stay
Thinking back in my sitch I wanted my W to come back for the right reasons. Coming back for the kids sake or financial security was NOT on my list. I wanted my W to come back b/c she stills loves me and wants a great R(M) with me.
Think about what you want in a R. That's the reason you want to be with your W.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
At this point I am just overwhelmed. Stress of holidays and round 2 of this at the exact same time it happened.
the first time the W came back it was because of what you said.
The C's point is interesting though...basically that working on this R is going to be easier and better in the long term than working on the other R with OM. That she has the ability to get the spark and feelings back between us.
I need to talk to the C alone. Figure out what she is really trying to do. See if she is working on breaking the addiction.
I also, having been down this road and the piecing road, recognize it all too well. The only reason she doesn't have feelings for me is because of the fogged out feelings for OM. Seen that one a few times now...
But... I don't know how much I have left in me at this point... I really don't. For a 1/2 a day I say I can this for a couple of weeks...then a few hours later, I say enough is enough.
But thanks for the words. I need to think about that, pray about that...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
And now I guess I need to buy a couple of Xmas gifts for W. She feels same way. Last night she says you know I've gotten you nothing for Xmas yet...I said same here.
C did help us resolve Xmas plans and get W to finally listen to me and we are not travelling for Xmas now.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
basically that working on this R is going to be easier and better in the long term than working on the other R with OM.
I agree with this.
Quote:
I need to talk to the C alone. Figure out what she is really trying to do. See if she is working on breaking the addiction.
Good idea. Letting the C know some background info and what "needs" to be accomplished to save M is the right decision.
I know all about going back and forth to work on M.
Don't make any rash decisions when you are feeling emotional.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thinking back in my sitch I wanted my W to come back for the right reasons. Coming back for the kids sake or financial security was NOT on my list. I wanted my W to come back b/c she stills loves me and wants a great R(M) with me.
Think about what you want in a R. That's the reason you want to be with your W.
Having the W to stay in the M b/c she loves her H and wants to be with him is the ideal way, but it's not the logical way. Here me out, okay?
When I first came here I was in deep EA with OM. I knew what was "right" for me to do.....but it was not what I "wanted". If I had to wait until I felt those in-love feelings for my H.....it would not have happened. So yes, I made my decision based on what was right....not what I felt.
This has to be done in steps. She has decisionsto make and if she does the right thing.....then the feelings will come later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This has to be done in steps. She has decisions to make and if she does the right thing.....then the feelings will come later.
Sandi I agree it has to be done in steps. That's why piecing is difficult and too many people rush into it.
Feelings can grow with each encounter. My W hasn't said anything about the M while we are "dating".
I believe the trust issue is being felt out by both parties. Building trust is the initial ingredient to repairing the R.
I'm currently in that stage. It has taken three months. My R with my W is steadily improving.
Looking back I didn't want her to come back just b/c of the kids. She didn't stay for that reason. The kids will grow and move away, then what?
I want to know she wants to spend time with me b/c of who I am.
Sorry to ramble. Yes I agree it only takes effort to start the healing process even though it may take time for the feelings to return.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Yes, I hear what you are saying. The LBH's here on the board have taught me so much about the pain they feel over the WAW in an A.
It's so hard for both people. So much awful, awful stuff to work through and to heal. I don't blame the H one bit for wanting his W to stay out of her love for him. If it were turned around...I KNOW that is how I would have been!
What I say is from my heart. I did not have any desire to be M, nor did I feel any good thing for my H at the time I was in the place that GW's W is in now. But, I had been raised right. I had been taught the right thing to do. I knew what I would be distroying and how many I would take down...if I left. So, with the help from the folks here...and the prayers of my loved one, I had the grit and grace to stay.
What happens when the children grow up and leave? It can be quite nice, acutally. By then, the couple can have a new lease on life...and devote more time to each other. My children were grown with families when I had an EA. I was so embarrassed to think I would do such a thing! But, those grown children and those grandbabies....are some of those "right" reasons I stayed here. Now, I thank God every day that I was given that chance! My H is a gem, but I had to learn to appreciate him, to respect him...and to love him again.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I totally agree the "falling in love" feeling can happen IF given the chance.
TBH, I was totally checked out of my M over the summer. I accept my W's decision of not being with me. I was actively planning my life w/o her.
I was happy who I was and what I have learned from the boards.
Come to think of it, it was GW that told me~ I came here to these boards for the opportunity to save my M. I was given that chance that so many seek. Honestly, if I hadn't heard these words written to me I could be D by now.
I was given the opportunity. I did not squader it. So many people would kill to be in my shoes right now. I am grateful for what I have.
(((hugs))) to you
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
