CW? Please report! Thanks for saying hi on my thread- I expected to see an update when I came hear to check your thread!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Just got my kids back to school after 2 days being home sick with strep throat! Pray for me that I don't get it!
Am starting to worry just a little bit that I won't get my shopping done since my day off on Monday consisted of nursing kids and Drs appts!!! It will get done...just not according to my master plan....lol!!!
Going to have a brunch Christmas morning and have SS and DIL and boys over. Thinking of inviting H to join us. He will be coming to pick up the kids anyway. DIL offered to do it at their house thinking H would be more apt to accept an invite there. I don't know. Any thoughts? I really wanted to do it here...it may be our last Christmas in this house. I am not sure he'd be more apt to accept the invite one place or the other.
Other than that, working extra cause of it being busier over the holidays, finish up Christmas....NYE, SIL had mentioned us all getting together that night but haven't heard anything more about that!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hey CW, will definitely keep my fingers crossed the strep bypasses you. Glad the kids are better, though. Strep is just awful.
Had a marathon shopping weekend, went out Friday for a few things and on Saturday for the bulk of my shopping. Hope you are able to get in a marathon shopping day before next week.
If you think this will be the last Christmas at the house I would host the brunch there. Casually mention it to H and if he seems interested then extend an invitation. Worse thing he can say is No.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
I'm a newbie to the forums but not Michele's books. I picked this thread to join in on out of the others because I totally feel that my H is going thru a major MLC. If I get long winded in telling my story, I apologize in advance. I just want you all to get to know my situtation. You all seem to offer such wonderful advice and support.
H announced last year (12/7/09) that he wanted out when he came home from work. I thought he just had a bad day at work but there was a family issue that preceeded the day before and he didn't like how I chose to handle it at all. In hindsight now, I would've handled it much more differently. He went to stay with his older brother which I thought would be for only a few days to cool off. It turned out to be 3 weeks and 2 days after he went to his brothers, he saw an atty about getting a D. My SIL is a headhunter and she gave him the name of this atty. The atty advised him to come back home so it wouldn't look like abandonment. He came back the day after Xmas and didn't even let me know; he just showed up. During the time he was gone, we had very little communication. I would just cry and beg him to come back home when we did speak. Obviously that didn't work. He moved out "officially" on Feb 6, 2010 and moved to a studio apt in NYC.
I had found out through a third party that he wasted no time in getting on all the free on-line dating sites 2 weeks after he left. He had signed up with one in October of 2009 before we were even seperated and we went on a cruise together the next month. I was mortified on so many levels. Who was this person? I felt like this should all be private and here he is plastering his picture all over the internet. One "dating" site he's on is to find a sex partner. Pretty gross. I don't know to what extent he has has not hooked up on these sites and quite frankly, I'm not sure I wanna know. I know that he closed his accounts with all the other sites except the Adult Friend Finder one.
I should let you all know that I am 48 and he is 42. We have been married for 16 years and together for 20. My second marriage, his first; we have no kids. H has never been independent. Nor have I, but my parents were not strict. He moved from his house to my house when his parents divorced after 25 years. His father at the time was an alcholic; his father started to drink in 1986 after the death of his mother. But has been sober know for over 15 years and is the greatest guy! Sadly though back in the day, my H and BIL apparently had a very rough childhood as my FIL was very strict and heavy handed. My MIL is your typical passive/aggressive, subserviant woman. She is not a warm, sensative person at all especially if you are not part of her immediate family; meaning blood family. She has gone as far to tell me that I need to accept the reality of the situation, handle it with grace and move on with my life. There is life after divorce. Are you kidding me????!!!! This is coming from a woman who was a walk away mom. I can't fault for wanting a divorce from my FIL because at that time, he had no desire to get sober. But she left her youngest son who was 17 at the time behind with the alcoholic. How does THAT make sense?! She and I never really got off on the right foot anyway. I "stole" her son away being 6 years old and divorced at the time. Whatever!
During this time H and I have been seperated, we have had little communication and that makes me very sad. When he does come to the house for something he's left behind, he is VERY ambivalent. That to indicates to me that he is not 100% sure this is the right move. I have been working with a very good therapist since this all happend. She has brought alot of information to the surface. Things that I have needed to address. I can't put it all on H, because I became a very different person after my Mom died in 2002. I am an only child and she and I were very, very close. I was not the same girl he married that's for sure. And I knew it but I couldn't get myself back for some reason. I tried very hard and even went to therapy for 3 years after my Mom died because I felt I was getting very depressed. But therapy didn't help as much as I had hoped. I realize now, that I wasn't with the right therapist and she did the best she could with her style. If I had the therapist I had now, I wonder if I would be in this current situtaion. I am now back to the woman he fell in love with; actually, I am a much better version. It's too bad that because we don't communicate, he can't see that - at least for now.
H filed for D on 10/22/10. I have to say I was in shock even though he told me repeatedly there is no hope for reconcilation. I think there is always a small part of you that hopes you will R and I don't doubt it can still happen. I've read SO many books during this time. Michele's has been one of my faves that stays on my night stand. I still love my H very much. He's my soulmate and I am still holding out hope. Someone told me that some people for whatever reason need to have that finality of divorce in order for them to fully feel detatached. That's when they will actually be able to have more clairity and step outside themselves and the situation and possibly realize what they have thrown away. Let's face it, if some of us have been blamed for everything (like I have been), if we are no longer part of the equation, they have to see that the common demoniator wasn't us, it was them. He needs to see that the grass truly is NOT greener on the other side and that he really didn't have it so bad. My D will be final sometime in Feb. 2011. I live in Connecticut and there is a "3 month cooling off period". I was hoping he'd change his mind, but so far nothing.
People think I am nuts for still having hope even if the D goes through. I refuse to take off my rings. My H is very clear in knowing where I stand. He knows that I don't want the D and that the door is always open for him. He has said thank you to me keeping the door open which is part of that small window of hope staying alive. Because IMO, if he was truly done, he would respond very differently. He has said when he left last year, it was no longer about me it was about him. He also has been involved in the New Age movement when all this started. And by New Age movement I mean reading books by Neal Donald Walsh, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, The Secret etc. All these authors that were on Oprah and part of her bookclub reading. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't begrudge anyone who is into self-help; I just think those books are very narcassitic; it's all about what YOU want, should have and to hell with anyone else. I think you really have to sift through the message carefully.
People have tried to push me into dating and I'm like, are you kidding me?! Not even remotely there and I have no interest unless it's with H. They say but you can't sit around and put your life on hold. And my response is I'm not. I can move on but I don't have to give up. I hear stories all the time of couples who get re-married to the same person after they divorced. It happens more often then people may think.
Well, I think I've rambled on enough. I know I probably zig-zagged all over the place, but I hope you all get where I am at. I look forward to getting to know you all in this forum and welcome your advice.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I think you should do what you and your kids feel most comfortable with. My D's definitely want to be here, in the house they refer to as home. But I'm not inviting H. If you are comfortable inviting him, you shouldn't have to form your plans around where he will be 'most comfortable.' It's your Christmas, too.
Mystik-glad you got some shopping done and have been keeping up with you and you are sounding strong girl!!!
punkin! Truly had not thought of it that way! I told DIL that I preferred to have it here since it might be the last and I am being polite in inviting H....we have had some positive encounters lately and feel ok in inviting him as a guest and expecting nothing more.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
we have had some positive encounters lately and feel ok in inviting him as a guest and expecting nothing more
That's how I feel as well with my H. I don't think him coming would ruin my evening...if you feel the same then why not...it would be nice for the kids to have both parents there for Xmas.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I agree with what everyone has posted about where to have Christmas. Above all, you should do what makes YOU happy. If it means a lot to spend the day in your home, then you SHOULD.
If H decides to join you all, he can't help but feel some happy memories.
I agree with GAG-- you said that you feel comfortable in your interactions, so it is ok with you to invite him (without expectations--although OW might be pissed, lol!!!!) He will be sure to have flashbacks of good times, too! NOt that it is your intention, but it doesn't hurt.
Zengypsy--it is best if you start your own thread and you can get more support this way! CW IS SUPER NICE but the deal is that we each have our own thread for our own lives/issues and not tell our stories on another's thread. Just sayin! So go to the top and choose "New Topic" and create a subject line. Then copy and paste what you posted here.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
oops Zen gypsy--exit out of CW's thread first so you can find "new topic."
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
