With all due respect dbmod, Sinclair is not in LRT because a firm boundary has not been enforced.
Boundaries have nothing to do with the LRT. Boundary setting is actually the AFTER the LRT.
We ALL want our marriages to work. But it is absolutely crazy to think that one should continue acting "as if" when your spouse is having relations with another.
Not true. You always act as if. It's just whether or not you are choosing your act as if behavior or if it's choosing you. Are you assuming the worst and therefore creating the worst or are you assuming the best and therefore creating the best?
Maybe I'm to much of a traditionalist but my W can't see me and OM.
She can however CHOOSE to stop seeing OM and work on our marriage.
If that's too much to ask of W then so be it...
That is absolutely fine--because that's YOUR MARRIAGE. You have no clue whether someone else is willing to wait, to see their spouse, to date them, to live with them, whatever. IN THEIR OWN MARRIAGE.
There are two things at play here: what someone is/isn't willing to do and what will or not bring more love in their marriage.
Our goal here is to brainstorm the second part only, not give him should or should nots for what he can take or should not take.
Where is the line between dating and friendship anyway? Would dating include sex? If it were a good date, I imagine it would. On the other hand, friends don't let friends....
When my wife wanted to move from friendship to dating I felt obligated to discuss my boundaries. When she realized that she would have to give up OM to date me, she had to rethink the dating idea. She said she didn't really understand the distinction between the two and that what she wanted was just more friendship. That caught me off guard because I'm not sure that I know where the line is drawn. I just gave her the look (i.e.,don't play coy with me, everyone knows the difference, look).
Many times people wonder whether or not to have sex with their estranged spouses. Here's my response:
As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.
For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.
Having said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.
Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.
I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."
But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.
One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.
I love the boundary description by KentS. I see some folks here really know how to set a boundary without a brick wall. Too much of the advice though, sounds like a brick wall, and also, that it is all they are really going to do, set a boundary and get their own life and if the spouse wants to join the plan, that's fine.
I love this:
Quote:
Reconcilliation is not possible if your S is embroiled in an affair. All you can do is establish boundaries and a stable/calm home environment that will eventually look attractive to the wayward spouse when their life begins to crash around them. This requires that you complete the previously mentioned changes. It's important to know the difference between boundaries and brick walls. A boundary is a restriction that is still based on a minimal degree of trust and respect. A brick wall is a restriction that is stipulated as a uncontrolled reaction to the wayward spouse's bad behavior and typically pushes them further away. Brick walls will not bring your spouse home. In fact brick walls will make the OW or OM or just being alone appear to be the more attractive alternative.
There are two things at play here: what someone is/isn't willing to do and what will or not bring more love in their marriage.
boundaries bring more love into relationships, they create security between both parties in the relationship.
someone is abusing you and you are supposed to act as if? someone is violating your morals, values and beliefs and you act as if? Always???????
there is a reason you can't sleep, eat, think or have hope- because you are going against your core principles. Another man is sleeping with your wife/husband and you act as if? I wouldn't let a friend treat men the way a WS in an affair is (taking money, time , love, energy, from my family, hurting my kids, and disrespecting me) - would you dbmod?
"LOVE your neighbor as yourself." i LOVE YOU but I can't tolerate behavior that damages out relationship. A marriage comes with rules - love, honor and cherish. There is nothing better than to tell a WAS in affair that your behavior does not love, honor or cherish - me, our marriage or yourself.
It's not "manning up", or going against any DB principle to take care of yourself and state what is acceptable behavior in your marriage. God stated boundaries, good parents have boundaries, and healthy marriages have boundaries.
It's malpractice to tell someone to always act as if. As your friend I would not give anyone that advice, I would say if it is bothering you then it is your responsibility to bring it up. In a mature , calm, direct, effective way and what the consequences are if the behavior continues. Now you have a choice instead of just acting as if. Acting as if can make you a victim. Neither attractive or healthy for you.
Real friends respect each other.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Reconcilliation is not possible if your S is embroiled in an affair.
This has been discussed by the vets and agreed upon yet it goes against what the DB mods will tolerate. It's a no-brainer and yet DB doesn't address it. Seems even you agree now. What gives?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Then explain how to set a boundary with a spouse who is sleeping someone else spending their time, energy, love, affection, spending family money and resources, the kids know something is wrong and you can't think?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I know where my boundaries are and they aren't brick walls? Is "brick walls" a DB term, I'm unfamiliar with it?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
