SSM is no way to go. Its a very selfish act to be forced into this position. As a LD spouse, a caring and loving spouse would find a way to satisfy the HD partner.
Being forced into a SSM or low affection or low acts of service position, the other spouse is saying that its not that important to them, and you are saying its ok by allowing it.
People change, and perhaps the spouse has degraded into the quality of person who you would not want to be with.
After being in a SSM for over 20 years, I go back and forth wondering if it's really possible to change the ditch. I don't want to have A, but don't want to go the rest of my life like this either.
I think we go 1 year tops being forced into a position we know is a serious compromise. SSM is a form of neglect, and its not trivial. After that one year, there should be a solution that at least is fitting the middle road.
I think that those are great insights. As someone who was in an SSM and the HD partner, I now see the wisdom in the advice.
Some of them are pretty hard at the time, such as "don't take it personally" because a husband/wife sexual relationship is suppose to be as personal and intimate as one can have. In hind sight, I understand what is being said is that the LD partner probably feels bad about the sex problems and is not denying sex as a way to hurt the HD partner (although there may be anger issues that cause the LD partner not to feel sexy around the HD partner--but that is another story.)
Again, sound advice.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
After being in a SSM for over 20 years, I go back and forth wondering if it's really possible to change the ditch. I don't want to have A, but don't want to go the rest of my life like this either.
Time2GiveUp?.
20 years in a SSM? I guess your partner does not see that its a problem.
Also on "ditch", did you make a mistake and put a "d" instead of a "b"?
Question about sex: I am not in a SSM, but my H has EA/MLC. H=44, me =49, D=11, M=13, T=17, IDLY bomb July 2010, EA same time, but more one sided from H (H still seems to be pursuing but tells me there's nothing between them, OW said she is starting to feel guilty, my snooping reveals her to be offering just friendship now). Affection from H has always been lacking, so over time sex life gradually declined as well, but was still relatively OK. I never really initiated though because of resentment from lack of affection. After bomb, as part of pursuing I guess, and fear of losing him, I over-compensated and started initiating. Never got rejected, verbally H said he likes it, but although he responds, he now does not initiate overtly. I know his body language so can tell when he wants and I act accordingly.I seem to be the more highly sexed one now because I start it all the time, and way more often than we did for most of our M, except forthe first year or so! Maybe this is part of my 180, unplanned though. However, I am disturbed by this, knowing he has feelings for EA and has not verbalized any for me since bomb. Although I am satisfied physically, to be honest its even better now than it was before, as I developed more openess and confidence once I started initiating, but inside me I am so sad for this state of our R, the lack of love from his side. I am of the mindset that LM follows loving your partner, not the other way around. Although I did find out that we still have the chemistry we had when we had young (surprising for me). Sometimes, I just want to stop initiating,tone down our physical R, want to wait till he feels something for me if ever it would come back, but I am so afraid that it will just add another need for him and one day he may look for PA! Any thoughts? Should I live a double life - detaching in other ways, doing GAL, as I have started doing, and yet be a lover at the same time?
Angel
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
....but inside me I am so sad for this state of our R, the lack of love from his side.
...I am of the mindset that LM follows loving your partner, not the other way around. Although I did find out that we still have the chemistry we had when we had young (surprising for me).
...Sometimes, I just want to stop initiating,tone down our physical R, want to wait till he feels something for me if ever it would come back, but I am so afraid that it will just add another need for him and one day he may look for PA!
...Any thoughts? Should I live a double life - detaching in other ways, doing GAL, as I have started doing, and yet be a lover at the same time? Angel
A few thoughts.
One of the things that continues to surprise me is how different my wife and I define "love." Let me be specific. I am a really big believer in Chapmans the Five Languages of Love. My wife is a quality time and acts of devotion person. That is how she tries to express love and what makes her feel loved.
I try to do both acts of devotion and find quality time with her each day. Most days I succeed.
Over the weekend we had a minor blow-up, because I didn't have the big picture firmly in mind. I took her our to breakfast so we could be together and spend time talking. She asked me a question about our new cell phone and I gave her a quick answer. She asked me more about how to do something on the phone, so I asked for her phone to show her how to do it.
Unfortunately, I had to load the application and had to set up some other stuff of it to work. She was seething angry at me. The reason she was angry was because there during a period of "quality time" I had played with a phone and made her feel ignored. In her mind what I had done (even though it was to a degree at her request and in my mind for her benefit) was a complete "love rejection." It made her feel worthless. Her words to me were that she deserves someone who is willing to spend time with her, not fiddling with a phone.
The point of this is that most men like your H need touching as a primary or secondary language of love. If you back off and it is either his primary or secondary language of love he will feel rejected, even if you aren't rejecting him. The key is what makes you and your spouse feel loved and making sure you each do things for each other that make the two of you feel loved.
My other thought would be yes work on GAL. Become the most interesting woman in the world. Become a woman who your husband despirately wants to be with, be loved by and have sex with. Find out his languages of love and what makes him feel loved and then GAL with some areas that he will find facinating. If he is the kind of guy who feel loved when his wife cooks him a special dinner, get some cooking lessons (either healthy cooking or fancy cooking). If he is the kind of guy that feels loved when he is seduced by a sexy lady, take some workout courses on stripping, pole dancing, belly dancing, yoga, sensual massage, etc. so that he feels like you being his wife is the best thing in the world. If you need to so something about self image to become more open to him, get some counseling or find a group where you and others can learn to become more comfortable with your own body (maybe even self hypnosis tapes).
Good luck to you. You sound like you are doing so much right and that things are slowly turning your way. Don't give up. As I was told by others this is not a sprint, it takes time.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thank you! I have not read about the love languages although I have heard about it. Its funny, because i always thought the love languages was how one expresses it, I did not think about how one receives it! Maybe what I would like to receive (which is touch) is what he also likes to receive, but does not give:(I now have some food for thought and will list in my mind what I think he perceives as acts of love. I do think he is starting to see my GAL efforts. Just yesterday, he asked how I was coping, and how he himself has been feeling guilty, unable to cope and feeling bad that he could not provide me with the kind of love I deserve....
Thats the first time I heard him say that, and not think that all of this is my fault.
Must be doing things right.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
