The tough love I am referring too is basically the LRT.
Gift of time...hmmm...not sure on that one. Maybe.
Wish i were in an IC today...but I did make progress on that front...I talked to three of them today and one I liked.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I'm here,GW. I started several times yesterday to post,then I would delete it. I take what I say to people very serious b/c these are lives we are dealing with on the board, so I sure don't want to lead you wrong. I know I encouraged you to stick it out until Christmas for the sake of the kids. But, now things have taken a servere turn in the road. If it were me, when I was thick into the mindset of a WAW in an EA....then this is what my H would need to do. I would need to be shocked out of my socks. I would needd to be shocked, and to be scared of what I was about to lose.
What does she fear losing the most? Is it the girls? If so, then how could you protect the girls and at the same time, hand your W's belongings to her in a trash sack?
If I get banned for saying this, then so be it. The only reason I was suggesting you wait it out--was for the kids, but I think you are spot on about her using the MC as her exit ticket. What would completely shock her senseless? I believe it would be for her calm,gentle H to give her her personal belongings in a bag, and tell her that you do not want to be M to anyone who would dishonor their M with lies and A's. You deserve better, and she needs to be told. GW, I am M to a man very much like you, and I'm telling you that we "will" take advantage of that kindness. I think she's proven that fact.
She needs to feel dumped by you. I think it should be done quickly. No talks or anything. You don't have to tell her what you know. Remember what Puppy use to say. "We both know you are lying". All you need to do is give her a stern look. You need to be very firm. I have this picture of you standing in the door handing her a bag with her clothes and then shutting the door while she's standing there speechless. I'm sure this will seem much to harsh for the mods, but that's how "this" WAW would need to be hit with cold reality.
She thinks that she is sacrificing to hang in until Christmas, and that's why I fully believe you need to make your move beforehand. I don't even know what to tell you about the children.
The most important thing,before you make any moves, is to have things planned out about the girls. Depending on when they are out for the holidays, etc., but many parents kidnapp their children when D is near. Be careful. The school would have to let her pick them up b/c she's their legal parent/guardian. Just wanted to alert you about that in case you chose to act while they were in school. I know it must be so hard to think of everything.
I don't know the laws there concerning child custody, etc., but if she could be concerned.....then she needs to be. That's what I think the WAW needs when in an EA and is ready to leave.
You have a big decision to make. We are here and will give you support whatever you do.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thanks Sandi. You are another true friend. Will digest this and get back with you.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I don't know where you are in the world GW, but I feel the cinder block on your chest. Glad you got to see Sandi2's response before it potentially disappears...
Will say an extra prayer for you ((((GW))))
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Gutwrenching- I know I have not often posted on your thread, but I just wanted you to know that I have been following it for a while. Since finding out in June about my h, reading your thread has provided me with a lot of strength. And it is b/c of you and the way that you have handled yourself in all of this. I know what you are going through right now, as my sitch was similar - were reconciling and he was not able to break it off. I know that the next few months, years - whichever way things go- are going to be extremely difficult for you and your family. But the kind of person that you are shines through, many people have picked it up from reading your thread and commented on this. I am confident that because of this you are going to have wonderful things in your life. Take are rest, give yourself a break for awhile, put it in God's hands and know that somehow you are going to be ok. You can do this with her in the house if you want to keep everyone together for Christmas or you can do it without her in the house if this is the approach that you want to take. But give yourself a break from her for awhile. You are an amazing person and your life to come will be full of good things.
I'm sure you realize that if you choose the route I said would have been needed for me as a WAW, that she will turn to the OM.....out of sheer desparation, if nothing else. However, this places a great deal of pressure on him. She will discover just how much he is ready to take her in......or a ready-made family. At one time, you said he was long distance. After your transfer, is he any closer to where you are located?
I believe you need to think through all the scenarios you possibly can. For example, if she breaks down in sobbing tears and begs forgiveness and promises anything you want her to do to make the M work. Only problem, she did that the last time, didn't she?
What concerns me, and one reason I decided to give my opinion on this, is that her addiction to the A has drawn her back to OM again, and even if he rejects her, she could be a candidate for a serial cheater. That's why I think she needs something very tough.......very real......very shocking. You have the facts on your side. She doesn't know that you know. That is in your favor. Just don't let it slip how you know.
This is not a gimmick to get her back. It is very serious, and I believe you are looking at that with grave concern of the outcome, and most of all the effects on your children. I believe this is your last resort after the LRT. The only thing that is going to keep her there is either she cannot be trasferred where OM lives, finances, or being separated from the girls.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lost- Wow, thank you, that was the nicest thing someone has said to me in a while and it struck a cord with me today because of the spew I heard from W this morning (and for the record, I called her out on it, told her that look and comment, nastiest I've seen and heard in months and months was completely uncalled for, I asked a simple question).
I am a big believer in life in general, of looking back and analyzing things, figuring out what you could do better next time...and I guess I just tend to focus on all my screw ups and how I could have handled it better.
This is so sad. It was so good for a few months...that is what still haunts me and I still have trouble letting go of all the fear, I have let go of some, but not all.
I am asking God to help me, to give me strenght, clarity and direction. It is part of the reason I have held off from more of a Sandi like technique the last couple of days, because I am hoping He shows me the way clearly.
I am very sad that I don't think I can wait till Christmas. That is another reality I have had to deal with and face. This time of year means so much to me, I hate to do that to my girls, but I don't think there is any other way at this point.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
