# 73 - Ocean

[naej]

I can only say ditto, to all thas been said.
Hope you hold the many tributes in your heart and draw strength from them in the days/months ahead.
The "firsts" are hard but you have so many happy times to comfort you.
((())))

[Kalni]

Thanks guys.

I am back to work today. I dont do much but people are understanding.

H has been a rock for me. Taking care of the kids, my mum, our guests. Today he told me he will book a trip for us for to Rome after a month, so that we can get away. I didnt expect him to be so supportive. A couple of times I was worried he will "split" being one of those persons that cant take pain. But he didnt. And he hasnt. Yet.

I miss my dad already. But life goes on. And I am planning to make it a better one than before.
K

[Andabelle]

Just caught up on your thread-- so sorry about your dad, Maria.

[awest1217]

I am so sorry about everything, but let H be your rock. I know it is hard, but he is proving himself and you can start to rely on him. He is making plans for the future so you can get away together, which is awesome.

Although this is a horrible time, H is really stepping up and I am glad for that for you.

[AliSuddenly]

Maria, I was so heartened to see your post about your Dads funeral, how lovely and also comforting for you and your family that so many people turned up to honour him. I think you are lucky to still have such strong connections in Greece in families and in communities that word got around so that all the people that loved your Dad and whose lives were touched by him were able to attend and do him that service. I am so glad that H is being a rock and you do need it, because you have been through so much in the past few years.

You sure you are ok to return to work? Does that help you to have things to focus on and take your mind off it for a bit? In the UK, often when a close family member or parent dies, we get signed off work by the doctor for 2 weeks, although H had 8 weeks off when his Dad was passing away. Take good care of yourself! Snuggle up to H and hold you kids tight and I'm sorry I missed you earlier,
Love and hugs, Al xxx

[mishka422]

Wow Ali! That is incredibly generous of them to take someone out of work for 2 weeks. I was stunned when I read that. In the US it's standard to have the day of the death and funeral off. Maybe one day afterward but that's it. Most companies motto is "mourn on your own time". Glad to hear that some countries are still compassionate.

((((((((((((((((((Maria)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Gypsy]

Specialest of K's..

Sending you love, hugs, peace, joy, caring, cuddles, sunshine, a shoulder, tissues, flowers, warm ocean water, demands from children (who keep us in the now) and all that is good in the world.

One day at a time.

*hugshugshugs*

Kathleen

[Kalni]

Oh thanks girls. I read here but dont feel like posting often. I am feeling "darker and darker". I think that maybe this week started better but last week was horrible for me.

My whole apartment has signs of my dad. He actually helped build it. My flower pots with my gardenias and other flowers were his and he made them for me. My automatic watering system on my veranda has the little wires he fixed.

I am ok in general, I feel so much love for him and strangely I feel it from him also but I cant stand the thought that I wont see him again. He is my dad, my dad, you know? Not just an elder dear relative, my dad.
H says I cry every day as if he dies every day. I try to not to. But I am so sad. It's this sinking feeling, the weight on my chest, it's so absolut.

I know many people go through the same every day: loosing a parent. I know I was prepared and actually didnt want him to suffer any longer. I know I shouldnt be dramatic and just deal with it. And I am dealing with it. I am just very very sad.
There are things I feel are not worth doing anymore. Like cooking. He loved my cooking.

H is trying. He reacts differently to pain so he doesnt understand. He loved my dad and that thought helps me. On Thu 12/9 we have our anniversary. I dont care if we do something or not. I am just sad.

[oldtimer]

(((((((Kalni))))))) I know this is such a painful time for you, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like a wonderful person. I has a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful...

(1) If you are like me, you'd like H to sit next to you, stroke your head, just be with you. But, H is obviously an acts of service guy. He is *doing* everything he can to love you and support you. Feel that the way you'd like to feel it right now. The next time he takes care of something, close your eyes, feel his body next to yours on the couch, his arm around you hugging you tight saying "oh baby I love you so much everything will be all right." Because that is what he is doing. Feel it the way he means it -- translate inside. Maybe it sounds hokey, but it really works. Also, it might not hurt to ask explicitly for what you want. "I'd really like for you to hold me, pat my back, murmur comforting words, and then tell me to get butt dressed and go for a walk with you." Texting is fine and maybe easier for such things.

(2) "My love, my eyes." If that isn't enough to make anyone cry in a good way, I don't know what is. Perhaps if you stop telling yourself how you ought to be doing and give yourself permission to mourn and love your wonderful daddy, you can do it in a way that moves you forward with him in your heart. Can you take some space each day to do something that would be loving for you both? "See" something for him, do something you would both enjoy, and make sure you leave time to laugh or cry about it? Then, put it away until tomorrow with love. Not forever, not to be done with it, just put it away until tomorrow when you can do a little more mourning and keep a little more of the love. Maybe that would help. Right now I get the sense that you are being pressed down with the weight of feeling like you have to be "over it" all at once. Poof. Well, it isn't going to happen. So, let go of that weight, dump it in the bin. A little each day. Respect and love yourself and your father by giving yourself permission to try it that way.

(3) Your anniversary. Well, doing (1) above might help with your apathy there. You might be a wee eensy bit passive aggressive there because you aren't getting what you want from H. But, it is also NORMAL. Still, it is worth consciously affirming that it is OK to look forward to things and to enjoy them. It does not mean you love your father less if you do so. It is OK. Also, (perhaps weirdly) it might help to forget about yourself in an odd way for a minute. Suppose you have a friend who has an anniversary coming up who doesn't know what to do. Help her out -- what would be a fun, loving, meaningful activity? Finally, another way to think of it is not about it as something important to you but as a loving gift for H. If I'm right that H is an acts of service guy, it would probably mean a WHOLE LOT to him if you get off your butt and make something happen for your anniversary. That you did it at all and especially now will not go unnoticed. Imagine yourself getting the plans together in a big shiny gold box with bows and hearts for H. (Or, maybe that should be you in the box, lol.)

Hang in there. It is hard now. It will get better. Howl at the moon if it helps. A support group might be another way to find and protect space to mourn and space to live and love. I had a C once who told me that NO ONE will ever be EVERYTHING we need. It is best to recognize that and own that WE ourselves are the ones responsible for making sure we have everything we need, and doing so means getting those things from different places sometimes.

Now, unless it is raining, bundle up, go outside and walk at least one mile. Now. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Hugs.

[kat727]

It takes a long time to mourn the loss of one held so dear. Don't rush through it. There will be a time that you are so happy that you have so many reminders of your Dad.

After I lost my Grandmother, I was very lucky that she came to me in my dreams and comforted me. Maybe you have to believe in that...I don't know. It did however help me a great deal.

hugs, kat