In the process

[Babydoll]

Hey Newmama... just visiting your new digs...

Trying to catch up and I just want to send you a huge hug!!! Remember you are strong, and beautiful, and so smart, and deserves someone who loves you and never loses sight of how great yu are!!!

I was crying about remembering the pain of those months when I wasn't aware of the affair but just was being rejected by exH and was in so much pain. No "I love you," no affection, no sex, the distance in his interactions with me, and I was pregnant on top of it all.

But the absence of rejection was a relief. WHen I went NC with him after kicking him out, it was hard for 3 days and then I felt relief. So I was crying because I think subconsciously I remembered the drive back from my mom's house when I was pregnant and how much pain I was in by the way exH was treating me and how deeply hurt and scared and HELPLESS I felt and had no idea how to get him to snap out of it and had no idea why he was acting the way he was.

I Read this and choked up... I know the feeling... and remembering the pain is so hard...

keep your chin up!
xoxo

[courageous wife]

Hi NM

Just checking in and wanting to send (((hugs)))!!!

[newmama]

Don't have much to report...checked out another daycare with exH on Monday and it seems really good! I did say "when S is with his dad, he will come earlier in the day..." letting the director know we are divorced. This was relevant to the conversation. I said it in front of exH when we were talking about when breakfast was served and hours of operation.

At one point, exH was letting S walk around and just asking him to come here, etc. and I am thinking "duh- he won't listen to you! He's 16 months old!" but I was polite and let him do his thing. S wasn't in harm, it was just annoying to waste the director's time waiting for S to listen while she is showing us around. I did say to the director at one point 'his dad let's him walk around a lot more than I do so I am not used to it!'
OOPS! It slipped out and I realized that is a way of dissing exH so honestly, I shouldn't say that stuff. Seriously, no kidding around.

Still, there were weird times where we had to be united as parents and it felt like being a couple but yet we are divorced. I know this is the reality but the overlap was odd. I didn't feel sad, just observed it.ExH had to get my attention to tell me something and just grabbed my arm instead of using my name... in fact, even now, ExH and I don't call each other by our names. We just talk without saying a name first. I think it's because we always called each other Honey or Sweetie instead of our names.

Afterward, we both said that we liked the place and were impressed. ExH said we should look at the other place soon and he would let me know when he could do it (he picks up S and meets me at these places).

Then, he buckled S into his carseat in my car and said "oh,you got a mess back here, S" (yeah, that would be MY mess...) but I just ignored it because I AM FREE TO HAVE A MESSY CAR IF I WANT! He divorced me! (mess= toys on the floor, some wrappers from cereal bars, some cheerios, an extra jacket, a few baby wipes from cleaning his face...oops!! I clean it up on the weekends...most of the time)

On a different subject, I got a tip from a colleague about getting these mini hooks that I can put on the gutter to hang the Christmas lights! I really feel motivated to look at one store to see if they have them, then try to move the ladder in the garage to the upper shelf to get the lights...but I am nervous about lifting the heavy box on the ladder--I am not trying to sound helpless, just being honest!

Somehow, I need to get a picture of S for our Christmas announcements, I think, and send them out within the next week. If I decorate the house next weekend while he is with exH, I might be able to do it. Last year, exH took the photos while I propped S up on the sly. But you know what? If I can't do it, then I won't worry about! It sounds like exH will be doing one and he can send it to his family. Mine will see S on Christmas, so who cares about a Season's Greeting pic, right? I will try but am not going to beat myself up if I can't get the right opportunity.

[awest1217]

My plan for Christmas cards is to have S and I in front of the tree or fire place with our matching PJs, but I don't know if that will happen, but I am with you, if they don't get done then it isn't a problem.

I am with you about working with H and feeling strange, and the same with the names. I will sometimes slip and call him honey, but I will usually call him by his name, which is weird every time I do it. I don't think he has done the same with me. He still just doesn't use any name at all.

[flowmom]

I called stbxh sweetie once recently. oops! I don't know if he caught it. yes a lot of weirdness while creating a new status quo. It will feel normal one day I guess.

What I've done about xmas is really let go of all the duty stuff. It's a busy time for work and social stuff and I have decided that I don't need to sent out cards or presents that people don't expect. I stick to the fun stuff and creating memories for my kids.

[newmama]

FM, in cases of infidelity, I don't know if it ever will feel normal to interact with your exH! Even a good friend of mine, who is happy with her boyfriend, still admits she loves her exH, He is with OW. It is weird for her to see them together. She is able to be "friends" with him and has forgiven him, though. Of course she wasn't able to forgive him until she found a new love interest.

She has been with her current boyfriend for the last 5 years.

On a different note, I have strep throat! I am so bummed that I might have passed it on to S-- I totally just thought I had a sore throat at first, but by the time I went to bed on Wed night, I knew it had to be strep--due to the fever! Thank God for ibuprofen to keep the fever at bay....

So I took S into daycare, wearing my PJ's and then asked exH if he could take him overnight. I was hoping to pick him up today, but I went in and got tested for strep. They say you are contagious for the first 24-48 hours after starting antibiotics. ExH said he would take him overnight again and I just miss S sooo much!! But I will take him Saturday overnight. ExH is going to bring him by right after dinner (I offered earlier but he suggested bed time in order to give me more time to rest) I settled for after dinner so I can play with him for a little bit before we get ready for bed. It will be almost 3 days since I saw him last (if you count 20 minutes in the morning before I took him to daycare).

Hopefully the penicillin will start to do its magic so I can get some decorating done tomorrow.
Seriously, I don't think I will be motivated next Tues p.m. when S is with exH next, so I better do something soon! Of course if I feel like total [censored] I will just put my wreath on the door and call it good I did buy those hooks for my gutters, though....I admit that I want to shock exH by putting up the lights myself!

[newmama]

oh yeah and I got the utility bills all switched over to my name finally. I swear the male callers were flirting with me after I told them the reason for the switch was divorce! Could be an "I wish" moment but they talk to people all day so I think they just get really comfortable on the phone!

[newmama]

wow, I had another epiphany! Maybe this penicillin is good stuff, lol!

So I started to think about joining a gym again and how I wouldn't want a long term 2 year commitment, but maybe just get in there with a personal trainer. So I googled and found an LA Fitness club that doesn't have long term commitment...$0 to join and 19.95 per month! but it also has BABYSITTING! I totally forgot that option exists! That is the solution to my problem of time....

Where there is a will, there is a way....If I want to be with someone who takes pretty good care of themselves, then I should do the same for myself. Besides THEM, my confidence will improve and it is a hobby. And there are people there.... so if I can figure out a schedule to go, I can make it happen! woo hoo!

[lostandconfused6]

New Mama-
I think I picked up earlier in your posts that you are a teacher. How did you share or not share your divorce with people at school? I am a teacher also, my husband had an affair at the end of last year. He has since moved out 3 weeks ago. I carry a lot of shame over the idea of being divorced. I know we are headed that direction, but I am so worried about people at school, other than my closest friends, finding out. Did anyone at your school treat you differently? I hope you don't mind me asking. I have read much of your thread and am so inspired by you. At the moment I am really struggling with the separation. My stbx is also still with ow. At the moment it is hard to imagine the pain ever dimishing.

[awest1217]

Sorry you are sick. I can't imagine going 3 days not seeing S. Feel better soon!