I can do this...

[irishblessings]

Thanks all - I appreciate your advice and input.

Eric -
The real answer is I don't want a relationship with someone who treats me the way he has treated me. I don't want to be bitter but I don't need to be exposed to the crazy - it's not healthy for me and I need every ounce of strength to be a good mom, friend, daughter, sister, employee, christian. I don't want to blow up a road home - but I also don't want to be the doormat on that road.

IB

[irishblessings]

Oldest D came by this evening - had nice time. We were sorting through Christmas decorations and we both get text from H:

fyi - I'm in my new place! I got the keys and am in the place now. Will be moving over the next few weeks.

Now folks our home is in an old subdivision and resembles more the Brady Bunch era (showing my age). He has moved into a slum neighborhood - seriously. I swear I am not a snob - but it is an area we wouldn't have wanted our kids to drive around at night.

For the life of me I can't understand why he would want to send this to me. I don't know if he calculates these moves or is just so emotionally void of what is appropriate. These moments definitely DO help with detachment!

[glamgirl]

IB could be a control thing. He wants to still update you on what he is doing. Think of it in a positive way, at least he is keeping you informed.

My h too moved into a dump. It was a place my h or I would never live. In MLC nothing makes sense, nor would it even if they tried to explain it to you.

[seeking answers]

IB,

Your H texting you what he did reeks of the MLC teenager mentality.
All excited about his 'first place'.

[irishblessings]

Today I accomplished quite a bit around the house! Took pilates first thing - then started working, decorating, cleaning, tossing...you know the drill! Time to get ready to go to S's ballgame. Will see H there but will keep my distance with a smile on my face. This week of new revelations knocked me down - but have to keep moving forward!

Thanks for your help!

[hope for zen]

Good luck IB!

[irishblessings]

S's team won - and S played great. Made eye contact with H but no interactions. That was fine - just different from how it has always been for as long as we've had kids in high school. I go one way - he goes another.

He met S for b'fast this morning and asked S if he wanted to go see his new place. S said no and it apparently angered H. I told S that he just needed to share that he wasn't ready just yet.

No rest for the weary!

[AntoniaB]

IB you're doing great. The "I go one way, he goes another", wow, that's kind of what we're all dealing with in so many ways, and it's hard to get used to, but I guess we need to just keep saying that this is our life right now, and we accept it as is, and we just try to get through the day. If we get through the day, or those experiences, we don't "fail." We emerge victorious, because there is always a choice. We break down, or we survive.

It sounds like you got through just fine, so good for you!

[punkin]

Irish,

My H is also living in a place the kids have described as "a shack", and I can't for the life of me understand why.

Catching up on threads this morning, and you sound much better than you did last week. Congratulations to your son for his team's win.

[irishblessings]

OK - drove by H's new place. Yes - in rough area of town - BUT it is not a bad place on the outside. So that's a relief for me if S goes down there.

Oldest D was over this weekend and as we were opening boxes for decorations found my wedding photo album. She was looking through it and she said - "you know mom - dad doesn't look miserable in any of these pictures" I said, "I don't think so either honey - let's just find some peace with that." Then closed the box and put it away. Just a moment...but a good one.

You know this journey that I have been on over the last 6 months (and probably the last 5-7 years) has taught me some things about myself.

1. I have a strong capacity to forgive and see the good in people beyond their actions. (Either that or I have a HIGH toleration for crazy:))

2. Whether I make it every Sunday to church or not, I have a lot of faith in God and believe in Christianity and that there are "right" roads and "wrong" roads defined by individuals - but if the "right" road for you ends up hurting those you love - it's probably not the right road.

3. My entire self-esteem has been based on what others think of me - ESPECIALLY my stbxh (first time I've used that). I am amazed at how much energy I used trying to do the "right" thing to please him - all the while not having a clue as to what he wanted. Trying to use #1 and #2 to guide me - however those aren't in his peripheral - so I was always on the wrong path.

4. Way down deep inside there is a "me" - someone who might want to develop on her own before ever giving her heart away to anyone else.

5. My pattern is to experience the bad and reel from it for a day or two - then pick myself back up. I'm not sure where I am in the grief cycle but I know I am closer to the acceptance side than I was 6 months ago.

Thanks for listening!