Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Thanks WCW. You are right ... I do want answers, but perhaps I will never have them. I will try to stop pushing. I have let go of the rope, again again again and again. I am trying very hard to just be .... be happy, be at peace, be loving, be satisfied, be content with my life. If he goes ahead with the S, then so be it. I will worry about that when the bridge appears, and I have to cross it.

It's so hard to do this when he is thousands of miles away. But, even at home, I still don't know what he's thinking, or feeling. The ML was just a shock for me because of how long since we last did it. I don't know why now, or even if it will happen again. I will let go of that too, unless I decide to try and woo him back.

[job]

BeingMe,
There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting answers, but when a person is in crisis, you will never get the answers you want. They are just a confused, jumbled up mess and even they can't figure things out. It's difficult to "read" them...do not try to do so or you will be just as confused as they are.

I'll offer up the same advice to you as I do to others...sit quietly and the answers will come and fall right into your lap. The harder you try to find them, the harder it will be to see them. I know it's difficult to just let things be, but you must in order to take care of yourself, i.e., well being.

Let things be....the answers will come. Drop the rope and focus on you and what you need in order to continue your journey at this time.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for your reply Snodderly ... I respect yours and WCW's advice. I will try to do as you say. I thought I had been sitting quietly for the past 5 years, but I think that was just an outward facade. Inside, I was fighting with him, trying to anticipate or determine his answers or what was going on. He definitely hides things from me, such as when he went to a psychologist.

I will back off and stop the inner fighting, and focus on other things. If he truly loves me, he will come back. If not, then I had other things to take up my time and will continue with that.

[angel61]

WCW, as a woman, I would disagree. Women also want ML to feel an emotional connection, specially when you feel that you arelosing it. before I had problems, I was sort of losing interest and it became so-so, but when I felt him slipping away, it surprisingly revived our ML. Now I feel that it is partially saving our relationship.

[angel61]

BM,

I started reading your thread - and I could see myself in your situation 5 years from now. I am also 5 years older than my H and he has just ended his EA - not for us, mind you, more for selfish reasons (he could not take it anymore, the combination of guilt, being rejected by the OW, etc.).
I guess 5 years of waiting is enough to drive anyone crazy. I would probably give up earlier. But really, there's nothing much to do except live your life and not be anticipating every move of his. Easy to say, but hard to do. Also, perhaps just learn to love unconditionally, without expectations, even if he rejects it. I am trying to start on this concept, I also don't know how it could be done on a humanly basis!

[BeingMe]

Hi Angel, thanks for posting your insights. Yes, I started from the unconditional love concept, and it worked for a long time. Still does, to a certain extent. I did miss the lovemaking aspect, but on the other hand, it wasn't very romantic when we did do it. So, I slowly began to accept this part of our M. I was surprised when he initiated it this last time.

So, here we are ... at an impasse. I have withdrawn my S idea, if only in my mind, and am leaving it all up to him. I have no idea what is going to happen when he comes back from his trip.

You know, I was silly to think he might fight for our M or for me ... that was sort of my idea behind requesting the S in the first place. Never test. You never know what you might get. Ugh! I am also sorry I told the kids ... but they are old enough now to understand if it turns around. At least, I hope so.

[BeingMe]

I suspect OW. Someone who goes on trips with him. She is in the same industry. I asked him about her, and he was very quick to protect her honour. If it's not physical and she's not interested, it sure sounds like he is on an emotional level. They have swapped stories, which he doesn't do with his male co-workers. He also didn't want to show me photos from his last trip, but friends wanted to see them, so he had no choice. And there he was, next to her. He says nothing is going on, but he has lied so much before that I doubt I can trust him.

Maybe it is time to move on. I am so tired of it all.

One positive, he does keep in contact with me more while he's away.

[WCW]

angel, there are always variations to what is 'standard', and I'm glad for you that something different has worked for you. In my sitch many told me to stay away from any sex with H, but I feel it has to be what seems right in RL for the sitch. If you can handle the emotional aspect of sex with someone who doesn't want you then keep it going. That isn't the sitch with BM and her H, twice in a week after a long dry spell isn't coincidence.

BM, if there is something with ow how will that change what you do and what you want?

[BeingMe]

I honestly don't know, WCW. I don't think I have enough emotional strength to handle another OW. I've already managed to convince myself once that I don't love him. I think if there is someone else, then I will have to step back .... waaaay back, and leave. I just wish he would be honest and just say so, if there is one. But, after 5 years and no improvement, then I have to assume there is ... isn't it always the case? How many times have our H's told us we were imagining things, and it turned out that we were right? I just don't think he's ready to leave, quite yet. He lives a separate life, and I don't know what that life is like except what he tells me. And that is very little.

Still, I am feeling positive about life. I'm not going to let this get me down.

[WCW]

I wish I had those all knowing answers, but I don't.

For all the years I spent waiting for my H to defog I waited too long to get myself unstuck. I finally did, and made a life I enjoyed while still being roommates with H, and whatdoyaknow he started peaking at my/our life again.

You have been busy with health and school and kids and grandkids, is any of that something that draws H back? What are his interests?

Maybe the best you can do is keep taking care of you, protect yourself financially and emotionaly, and live happy.