Moving Forward

[gutwrenching]

Sandi/others

I am doing fine. We are certainly back on the roller coaster, I remember this one. She did not crack...back to her resolve and uncertainty.

Trying to keep this short. Lets see if I can cover the major things.
- She would like me to just boot her out of the house so the decision is made for her...so that makes me want to do the opposite even more...as I told her "you need to fix this mess and decide what you want once and for all"
- She does not feel she can afford an apartment, so she would have to rent a room in someone’s house…which then led to we have a big enough house, I could just live in the basement here…I am not so sure I like that idea at all…not sure that brings about the reality needed for her to make up her mind
- She is up and down…from telling me one evening she has no patience with me to kissing me the next morning.
- Claims there is no contact with OM because he said no more. My response was “I wish I could believe that.” She said no its done. I then replied, W, we both know the pattern. This has happened many times before. Then a week or two from now, one of you will reach out and email the other and it’ll start all over again. She again said no it won’t. I replied, well, back in Aug you were certain you two would never communicate again, and then he repeatedly sent you notes and then you reached back out to him after a few.
- She did admit that she needs to see an IC and figure out what is wrong and help her determine what she should do…however, I suspect that she won’t ever do that unless I hold her hand all the way there (find a good IC, tell her we can afford to pay for it, give her the number, etc)

So all in all, I am doing ok. Great, no not great…still sad to be back here. But Ok – yes I am fine. I still grapple with waiting till after Xmas. But am probably leaning that way for the kids. That statement about the kids associating Christmas with their mom leaving hit me pretty hard. It resonates. Cause now after 2 years in a row of this crap storming down, I associate Thanksgiving and Christmas with my wife dropping bombs…so that one I can relate too

[Cyrena]

FYI, at the point where my H had just broken 2 months of non-contact with his OW (not that I had any way of knowing this, except that his behaviour became a lot more up-and-down) and was talking for the first time about possibly leaving the house and talking about how our relationship was unfixable, I was the one to find an MC, make the initial calls, set up the appointment, etc. I'm sure I chose better than he could possibly have done at the time, because a depressed person is almost incapable of making decisions.

The next 3 months were hellish for me, but in retrospect I can't believe how much progress my H made in that time because of being forced to work on his issues by the C. No matter what happens in your marriage, that work would be invaluable for your children.

I remember 3 horrible Christmases in a row. But you know, after that they've just got better and better--hang in there, and make it the best one you can for your kids.

[gutwrenching]

Cyrena
Wow, thank you! Someone else told me basically the same thing in different context...recommended I find a good family therapist, make an appointment for just me, and then invite W along for the future.

We made 3 months before the relapse. And now the same talk...talking about leaving the house, all the damage she has done again...doesn't know how we could fix it...and the other big kicker is the constant thought that maybe he is the one she should be with.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience

[sandi2]

As a shared friend of ours would say to the WAW, "This is your mess...you get to clean it up". Sometimes it may be hard to determine when to be tough and when to soften, but I don't understand why you should be the one moving to the basement. I don't see any fairness in that option at all.

It's good to finally hear from you. Thought about you all through the weekend. Even though I was in the place that your W is facing....and I know what she's feeling....it doesn't stop me from wanting to shake her. Brain damage, I tell you....pure brain damage results from these blasted PEA's.

[gutwrenching]

IT wouldn't be moving in the basement, it would be her. She knows that, but I am not ok with that. I think it would make my life miserable and I couldn't take it.

I used that line this weekend...she told me she wishes I would have just packed her bags and told her to get out, I said this is your mess, you need to fix it and figure out once and for all what you want.

I want to shake her so hard it isn't funny! I appreciate you feeling the same way.

[nicole8]

Hey gw, I just read your entire thread. I must admit my h and your w could be related. My h has been coming and going from our house for months now. Sometimes he'll admit it is because of ow. Most times he will deny it as if previous conversations never happened. He is depressed. I'm convinced that he is addicted or self-medicating with the phone calls and non-stop texting with ow. She and I have texted and she claims he is a liar and tried to destroy her and her family.....yet she still talks with him. WTF.

I think she enjoys the attention from him. I'm sure he takes her to dinner and buys her things and then when she doesn't return the feelings back he flips out on her. He'll come home, mope around and complain about being "depressed" and then he is right back within 1-4 weeks contacting her, more like begging her because he can't live without her.

I'm at a point to where I've had enough and need to pull away drastically.

Best wishes to you and your kids this holiday. I'm inspired by your honesty and boundaries you have set.

[gutwrenching]

Quick update...
"Odd" behavior in the last 24 hours. I say odd cause I have not seen this before. I guess this is a new form of limbo land.
She is showing/initiating small amounts of affection...small kisses, couple words here and there.
It has always been all or nothing in the past...nothing like this.

Leaning strongly towards waiting this all out thru Christmas

[sandi2]

I'll tell you what I think it is. OM dumped her. She's been jilted and she is turning to you for some emotional strokes. It's brain damage.

[sandi2]

Kind of like a child who shows you her boo-boo and wants you kiss and put a band-aid over the hurt and make it all better.

[gutwrenching]

Ok wise Sandi...and then what would be the best way to respond?