Need Insight II

[gutwrenching]

It is hard to say what is causing this, but we commonly refer to it as the roller coaster and it isn't fun, but it is common. There are many things that could be causing this pattern. C

Is there OM in the picture? Mood swings could have more to do with them than with you...hate to say that but could be true.

Enjoy the good days, and know that they will not last so that you are prepared for the change in direction of the roller coaster

[InAPickle]

Scanned your original thread but haven't gotten through it all yet. 15 pages is a lot! But I am going to go back and read it carefully asap. I may not be much help, but I'm listening at the very least.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my thread.
Any insight you can offer will also be appreciated.
Pic

[InAPickle]

Is there OM in the picture? Mood swings could have more to do with them than with you...hate to say that but could be true.

Yes, she is involved in an EA long distance w/ an exH.
The sitch is linked at the biginning of this thread.

She may be withdrawing after cancelling a trip to see OM - she's scared to death I will go bezerk and expose to kids and her work. She teaches at D17's catholic HS and is required to be an example of morality.

[angel61]

Be strong and steady, she is confused and beset with conflicting emotions. She will start to wonder how you can keep it all together. She might even start to lean on you.

Cycles and mood swings seem to be commonplace here. And you can never tell when it is a good or bad day. For me, no matter how hard I try to detach, each little word and smile and touch can still make or break my day. Sometimes it is better to be away, like right now I am on a trip for a few days and iyt helps me be sane.

[InAPickle]

I keep finding myself mentioning her "bombs" when she wants to "talk"

First of all it was: "I want a D after kids have grown, Oh and BTW exH has been wooing me and getting me all excited."

Second was: "I am planning to fly to OH and visit OM"

Third was: "we should D and divide the property, but live together for the kids" (that was a good one).

Fourth was: "Even if there was no OM I still don't want to be married to YOU."

Fifth was: "If, you won't live as divorced roommates, I have every right to this house and YOU can move out"

Sixth was: "Look I'm not moving to OH, I am staying here for the kids and job, I just don't want to be married to YOU."

Somewhere in there OM talked her into cancelling the trip (YEA!) but of course it was to keep me from going ballistic.

Question: When next time she wants to "talk" how do I "Act as if" everything's fine when I'm dreading what she's going to say?

Besides STFU somebody give me some pointers.

[Bworl]

What were you NOT doing before that made you stop being the man she fell in love with?

She chose you at some point nearly 20 years ago. She chose to stay with you long enough for two children to be born and grow up.

Where did the spark go out? And what was your contribution?

I ask this because it's not likely that you can MAKE her change her mind. It sounds like she's off on the fantasy highway, oddly enough with a man she has divorced once already. And while it makes no sense to you or me, it makes perfect sense to her.

Now she has to NOT be in love with you. Now you have to NOT be the right man for her. Now she has to NOT be able to happy with you. All these things HAVE to be this way or she cannot justify doing what she knows is a terribly WRONG thing.


And yet none of that changes the fact that you cannot change her mind.


I would tell her that I really don't need to hear again how wrong you are for her, how unhappy she makes you, how your marriage can never work for her. I would tell her that I believe in commitment, ESPECIALLY when you still have children to raise, and that I believe in people's ability to rise above themselves.


I would also tell her that I will not stand in her way, and at the same time will not destroy what remains of your home in order to make her new desires easy to obtain.


Then I would do my best to never speak of it again.

And I would occupy my every effort with reclaiming myself - with becoming once again the man that she fell in love with. I would extend her every kindness, every courtesy, every ounce of compassion that I felt for her when I was first falling in love. At the same time I would refuse to budge even the littlest bit from doing somethig to help her leave.



A difficult balancing act for sure.


Blessings,

Bill

[InAPickle]

Thanks for responding Bworl.

I'm having difficulty trying to "find" that man she fell in love with, 'cause the esteem has taken such a hit.

I look back and on many levels see the same man I am now: successful, rock steady, handy around the house, happy with my hobbies and interests.

The biggest difference between then and now is my "pursuit" or courtship of and romantic interest in her. But I cannot pursue now. Coach said I have to re-establish a connection beginning as a "best friend" kind of thing, but it's difficult and slow.

The only time she want's to "talk" is when things like I posted earlier are on her mind. I wish I was better at this.

[undefeated]

"Anyone who got where he is had to start exactly where he was."

You are trying, so don't get too hard on yourself. Don't expect overnight success or to feel like you're moving forward every minute or every day. And also, there can be changes going on within your spouse that you don't know about yet.

Just keep working every day, on your Dbing, on yourself. Hang in there!

[angel61]

This is what i did during the time my H was talking about D a lot, and about how all he wanted was to be free, and that he did not feel our marriage was working. One day, I told him:

1. Lets put ourselves aside first and think of our daughter. Our most important role right now is to be parents.
2. Lets assume that once daughter is grown up we will go on and S
3. But while we are together, can we make our life tolerable - lets try to have fun, be friends, talk about fun things
4. And if we felt we couldn't stand it anymore before our daughter was independent, we will cross the bridge when we get there.

I also let him know that I could no longer be angry, that what he did with OW hurt me and it was his choice to keep hurting me and that I could not do anything about it.

That way, whenever he would bring up anything about it, I would just remind him that we already had agreed on something before, so I did not want to talk more. Although to be honest, we did talk about it bitterly once in a while, but it did allow us to have a couple of weeks in between talks consisting more of just the logistics of daily life.

[angel61]

I agree about the changes in your spouse you don't see - I thought it was just the same day in and day out, but as time went on he did tell me that sometimes he felt that we were doing OK, and I would guess those were the quiet moments without emotional upheavals.