Mystik, Benthann, I am thiking along the same lines... we don't want the old marriage anymore. It's gone. A new improved one would be so much better! In order to have the best chance of reconcilliation, we should give them what they want, the divorce. Only then will they realise what they are losing and that will implode on their new relationships with OW. I think NOW is the perfect time, Mystik, for you to give him the D he wants. Can you say that you are willing, but that he has to pay for it??? Let him pay for it!!! If he wants it so much!!
I have been reading Private Lies by Pittman, and he says that it's during the divorce process that most affairs implode...
A newborn, a divorce...there's a good chance your WH's affair will implode...
Don't be afraid. Newmama said she felt soooooo much better once the divorce went through. I think you will to.
IMHO.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Also consider the fight the OW will put up. She has a newborn with your H and another son from another R. She is now desperate for a man and his help and she most certainly will not be afraid to put up a legal fight with your H if need be. Clearly her morals are non existent and a newborn is the perfect weapon to use against him.
My H pushed for the divorce because the OW was pushing him to divorce. Once he realized what a divorce would entail HE suggested the separation and I was so ill after 18 months of litigation I agreed. Now I am initiating the divorce and he is not all that happy about it. OW is boring him and his W is done with him. Not all that great for a man that was happier than he ever thought he could be when the OW was interesting. They are hitting the three year mark though and my H's pride and arrogance will keep him in the R forever (as per what he says).
IMO the BEST thing you can do for yourself is get a third party to handle everything between you and your H when it comes to your son. Ask your therapist for resources you can use. This man is harmful to you and your recovery and until he is gone the real recovery will be hampered with his abuse.
Your H won't be the ass that leaves his W AND his OW with a newborn so really, you must just do what you have to do for you.
I strongly urge you to get the divorce done. An abuser has no place in your life or recovery. Even if he does ever decide to leave OW your H has not given any indication of remorse, respect or the desire to change his abusing ways.
And no more changing the pickup or drop off locations for your H. He is unable to come as per the court orders or be where he is supposed to be ON TIME then no son for the day. Get legal help with that if you need to.
I agree with City Girl. If anyone should get an intermediary to assist with your son's visitation exchanges, it's you. I am not singling you out, Mystik. I am so upset and can relate to so much of what you are going through (esp acceptance..wow..that's hard) that I would also insist on a 3rd party if my H was still in the country. Divorce time. And see if he can pay for it. Hugs, Mystik. When you have time I'd be interested to hear more about the work the therapists are doing, esp the reality/acceptance stuff.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
What everyone has just said in the last 10 posts... read them over and over and over and over!!!!!
Girl... you are a lot closer to watching the whore's little happy fantasy blow up in her face. DON'T get in the way of that... stand back and watch it happen with a huge smile on your face.
Dropping the rope is both physical and mental. You can do this Mystik. Your therapy can help with this... don't keep trying to talk yourself out of it.
hugs Abs
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I was actually over on another window researching a supervised custody exchange for you and several others posted on it. I strongly suggest that you talk to your therapy team about what is healthiest for you and DS schedule-wise. Then, go to your L and get it drawn up on a parenting plan. Look at the links I gave you earlier about what to include in the plan. Supervised exchange (or transition) is one thing you can get included and stipulate that HE pays for it.
I don't know what area of NY you're in but here's a link to a directory of these agencies for the state:
I think the only way at this point to drop the rope so that H realizes it would be to initiate filing for D. But I really really don't want to do that. For one thing, it's darn expensive. H wants it so bad, let him pay for it. And for another, a D is not what I want and I'm afraid if I file to try and wake him up he'll call my bluff and finalize it.
I rarely talk to H, when I do I will talk about DS, H is the one who initiates talks about the marriage. H is the one who calls me, I will only text him. When he calls I let it go to voicemail then text my response to him. How I wish I could go pitch black and have no interactions with him whatsoever. That would give me time to heal and start to detach.
Mystik, my dear...I don't want to sound harsh but at this point, I don't care if your H realizes you've dropped the rope. It's more important to me that YOU just do it. This is not some strategy for getting your H back. Although, in the very long run, it might help. Dropping the rope is about YOU getting to a place where you are thinking about what you want and need. Letting go of something that is clearly unhealthy to reach for something different and new.
This is the mistake that a lot of people make when they come here. You are acting from a place of "what will get my H back". You need to be acting from a place of "what is the best thing for me and DS right now". It is a hard mental transition to make. Your therapy is going to help you so much with this. Do the homework they'll give you and really work on YOU.
When my H left, I had lived so long thinking all about him and his needs that I didn't even know what music I liked anymore. My kids wanted to buy me some CD's but I didn't know what to tell them. I had a good cry over that but it really made me see that I had spent too much time on HIM and no time on ME. It makes me so sad that you write so much about your h and so little about you.
Instead of praying for God to bring your H back, try praying that God will give you strength and wisdom to figure what your true needs are in a healthy relationship. Try to pray that God will guide you in the way that He knows is best and give you peace to get through the day. Lean into that strength and peace. It really takes the pressure off if you remember that this burden is His not yours. Say it out loud if you find yourself starting to drift into negative thoughts.
Bethann ~ I try to keep interactions as minimal as possible. I do like the perspective of a new marriage for a renewed relationship.
Piano ~ One of the people I met in the treatment center was going to talk to her aunt and uncle who are divorce lawyers about doing some pro bono work for me. If she's there today she'll hopefully have an answer for me and I'll go from there. An intermediary would be great, I'll have to look into that some more.
CG ~ I've no doubts that Whore will put up a heck of a fight when H leaves her. And he has admitted, at least during last year, that OW was pushing him to divorce me, that's why he was looking into it. Not sure now who wants it, him or her. Changing the exchange locations and time is in the works, I expect the court papers with a court date to come any day now.
Abbey ~ I'm working on radical acceptance of the situation, then I think it will be easier for me to drop the rope. I do keep re-reading everyone's posts. SO much wisdom in them. I think even with just the one week of treatment I'm doing better, going to do my best to keep it up.
Bluestar ~ Thanks so much for the link. There are three in my area, and three in H's area. I'll have to call them to see if they would work well for us. And I do need to get out of the "win H back" place and into a "me, me, me" place. But it's hard, I've spent my entire life being more concerned with other people than myself. Not an eash transition to make. I could write more about my life but felt this journal was about my marriage and my H, that's why I focus mainly on them. I do pray to God to give me the strength and wisdom to know what I have to do and to get it done. But so far not feeling guided into one thing or another yet.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Mystik you are doing very well after just one week. Getting to the "me, me, me" stage is essential and I know you are on your way!
No matter what your H says rally him hard in court regarding your son and the pickup/drop off times and locations. Cheaters and abusers do not get any leeway and your H's newborn, OW or car troubles are not your problems. Your H CHOSE to move far away and support what is now up to three children - those are his consequences to sort out.
A big part of radical acceptance is being mindful of the present. I think once you can remove the thoughts of your H returning, leaving OW and coming home you will be better able to live in the present. As my therapist says - emotional abusers need the minimum of one to two years of treatment before they can even think of being in a healthy R. Just remember - each time your H demands you accept this situation as he does, he is abusing you. Abusers have a special way of demanding acceptance for their transgressions and both my H and yours fit the bill to a "t".
Recovery from such abuse (which usually leads to deep depression, anxiety or panic) has four points:
1. Therapy (you are doing great!) 2. Medication 3. Emotional Support 4. Spiritual Belief
I have been working on my recovery from the abuse, depression and panic for almost 36 months. It *is* a long road but one worth walking. Be proud you got on the road!
I went very dark on my H (much easier w/o children of course!) and now he is desperate to get back some of his control. I finally can stand up to him and I can assure you once you are in that spot you will feel MUCH better. They simply are not worth it. Men that demand you adhere to their infidelity in the manner your H and mine have are dangerous and harmful. They go far beyond the "typical" walk away spouse.
I urge you to journal about your own life here. There are a few people on this site who are in recovery from emotional abuse and it's good for all of us to read!
Have a GREAT day!
Also, I would really try and find a way to finance the divorce. I think it will be VERY hard to find any divorce attny to take your case for free. Also, unless things have changed radically in NY, a divorce attny MUST collect a retainer from a client to proceed and remove their billable hours from the retainer.
I'd imagine you will have to pay a retainer (I kind of have an idea of where you live and you should be able to retain a decent attny for 5K). Your therapy team can submit documentation to your attny and there is a good chance your H will have to pay your legal fees. My attny petitioned my H to pay my legal fees days after I retained them and I easily won. Your attny can also help you with everything about your son with a much harder stance than a court appointed advocate. You can also petition your H to keep paying your insurance and I would certainly ask for spousal maintenance. The fact that you work is not the issue. I work also. If your marriage has reached the 10 year mark you are in a good spot. Your H will have to submit his household income which will include OW's income therefore he will make more than you if OW works.
You can also file under the "poor person's" status in NY which eliminates the filing fees. Your case is complex though. I'd imagine at this point you are classes as "unhealthy" as per NY state guidelines. My lupus fell under "unhealthy" but if you have been diagnosed with long term depression I do believe you would also fall under that category.
CG as always, great advice! Mystik, you already sound so much better than a few weeks ago. Just keep working at it.
I wanted to let you know how the supervised transition works with an agency. I researched it for my sitch when I D'd my first H. He was also an abuser. The way it works is you bring DS to the place and walk him in. Then, you leave while DS plays with a worker in a waiting room. After you are gone, your H arrives to pick DS up. You never see him. If you need to communicate something, I'd recommend a notebook that goes between homes. That way there is a written record if he tries to communicate something inappropriate to you. But most of the time, the notebook works well because they get scared to write more than just child notes.
