Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

More journaling,

Had our usual post martial arts class sushi dinner last night. H and I hit the sake hard and the dinner was delicious. He said he would "follow me home" to make sure I got home OK. Once at home, I sent D to bed since it was nearly 11. H arrived shortly afterwards and basically snuck into my (not our) bedroom. Fun ensued but there was some talking involved. I asked, kind of jokingly, if he had to be drunk to want to come over. Much to my surprise he said yes. And that otherwise, there was too much anxiety. I asked, anxiety about what? This caused a VERY long conversation.

Basically, my H appears stuck. He says that the changes in me are so good, that he kind of feels like it's a "sales job". He worries that if he "relents", that in 6 months, things might be like they were. I told him that I am not going to defend who I am or the validity of my changes. I asked him what his definition of "relent" was. He said that it basically meant him moving back in and renewing the relationship. I told him that I wasn't a fan of that word because it kind of gave the impression of weakness. But furthermore, if that was how he was viewing things, it actually caused ME some concern. I reminded him (because we've had this conversation umpteen times) that I CANNOT make him happy. If he moves back in without working on himself, he WILL be unhappy. He must find that inner happiness within himself first. And all I want from him is for him to find that.

For those of you in this forum that have found this place of inner peace, you know what I mean. But for my H, he cannot comprehend what I'm talking about. My H seemingly does not believe that all I want is for HIM to find happiness. His retort was, "Well what if what I need to be happy is to sleep with other people, or to become a thief or to do drugs!" A silly argument to be sure, but he meant it. I explained that once again, he is using EXTERNAL influences as examples of what will bring him happiness. True happiness comes from within yourself without the need for external influences.

Once again, he just could not comprehend that. He started in on the fact that he's made me miserable and hurt. At this point, I started to lose my cool. Partly because we've been down this road of conversation too many times. I got up from the bed, partly to take a break and partly to go get some water. He realized that I was upset and I did my best to calm myself down but it was admittedly hard and only partially successful. I told him as I got up that I am happy at my core and that all I ask from him is to take me at my word.

I got my water, calmed down, and went back into the bedroom, only to find him getting dressed. I asked why he was leaving. He said, in a snotty way, "you've made it clear that you're fixed and I'm broken and your super duper happy and I'm just bringing you down.". I told him that I am FAR from being fixed. There is no fixed point, it's a life long work in progress. I told him that he is NOT bringing me down. We exchanged a few more words but in the middle of one of my sentences he just grabbed my head, kissed me on the lips and said "I gotta go". He left without saying anything further.

Well I had a short cry after that. Wasn't sure what the hell had just happened. He texted me when he got to his place

H - "Survived the trip. I'm sorry. Not about surviving. I do want to talk about this stuff, but under different circumstances"

Me - "OK. Thanks for letting me know you made it home OK"

H - "I really do want to talk though. Not making light of that."

Me - "OK. You know where to find me when you're ready"

H - "Thank you for your patience and understanding. I deserve neither, but am grateful for both. I'll call you tomorrow."

So this morning, he texts me bright and early and apologizes again. I told him that his feelings were valid and he clearly needed a break and that I respected that. I just wished it hadn't been so abrupt. He agreed and then the conversation flowed to more chatty stuff.

MLC is still ever present. His confusion is great and he has a lot of work ahead of him. It seems I need an ever greater amount of patience than I did pre-reconciliation. I'm thankful for the time I had to gain that level of patience. The old me would have been yelling and pissed off right now and we would NOT be having chatty conversations the next day. But this whole thing has made me realize that if we are starting to have similar conversations that get us nowhere, that is a cycle that needs to stop. I need to do something different. Not sure what. Perhaps just NOT have the conversations. I'll have to evaluate that further.

Anyhow, I plan to enjoy this week. I will give a stab to putting up lights on the house. I've never done that before and the thought is scary. So bring it on! I'll have D on the ground with a phone with 911 on hot stand by!

[ericmsant2]

Alb,

FWIW, I would suggest NOT having these conversations in YOUR house. If indeed you must have them, go out and have them over dinner or over a nice walk.

You are having these emotional conversation while BOTH of you are emotional (probably from having "fun"). This may not be the ideal time to have these type of talks.

Enjoy your holiday and be careful putting up the lights.

God Bless,
Eric

[pie]

Hi Albu I'm soo rooting for you!!! Oh what I wouldn't do to be grabbed and kissed right now!!!

I've been void of affection for 8 months!

I think when it finally happens, no matter who does it , I'm going to pass out from relief!!

[Albuquerque]

Thanks Eric, that's a good point. Certainly something different may help break the cycle. It'll probably be several days before a talk like that is attempted again, but I'm thankful that despite some disagreements, he feels comfortable enough to initiate conversations again the next day in a very amiable manner. Far different from the dynamics we once had.

Pie, thanks for making me laugh! Don't think for a minute I don't appreciate the level of affection I have right now. I've been where you are and know what you mean. Strength my friend!

[Mila]

Alb I agree with Eric....when you have "intimate" time together try to avoid R talk....just concentrate on the bonding part of the intimacy....feeling close, connected...good. You know that intimacy releases certain bonding chemicals....let them work...leave the heavy conversations for another time. JMO

Rooting for you too

[Albuquerque]

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and hope you non-Americans just had a good week!

More journaling,

Didn’t ask H if he was joining us for Thanksgiving until Tuesday. He said yes. I did the planning and shopping. It’s been awhile since I’ve done that since he did the cooking for the last several years. I made no assumptions and just assumed that I’d be doing all the cooking.

H showed up to the house right as I was about to prepare the turkey to go into the oven. I had also realized I was missing an ingredient for the stuffing right at the same time. He was nice enough to take care of prepping the turkey while I ran to the store before it closed. The rest of the cooking went OK. D and I worked on the cooking while H was on the phone with his mom. Unfortunately, D ended up burning her hand near the end of the preparations. This was her first year making the stuffing and she was looking forward to it. But the burn was bad enough she needed to sit it out, leaving H to pick up the slack and he did so with gusto. In fact, he kind of went a little overboard in trying to make sure everything was going to be ready at the same time so that nothing got cold. At one point, as he was helping me juggle all the pans, he said “I miss this!”, meaning he missed the joys of cooking for many people.

Dinner was great and as most of you, we ate way too much. We then settled down and watched a movie on the couch where H was very openly snuggly with me. At the end of the night, we both said good night to D and we chilled on the couch a bit longer. As has become common, one thing led to another and we ended up in the bedroom. This time, I made sure NOT to ask anything that could remotely lead to R talk. That was a success. And for the first time, H actually said that he wouldn’t have a problem staying overnight. Unfortunately, he hadn’t brought any extra clothes, toothbrush, contacts, or his sleeping meds. As he was leaving, he said something about needing to talk about starting the moving back in process (but he was kind of vague). So he bid me a nice goodnight and thus ended a great Thanksgiving.

Now that I’ve told the main story, I’d like to mention a few odds and ends that have happened. First, he has told his mother that “Things were looking up and that everything would eventually work out”. I was surprised at that since we still haven’t openly said anything to D although she HAS to have noticed that we are snuggle buddies now. In fact, he’s talked to his mom about us going on a cruise with his family next summer. Second, he’s mentioned a few times that it’s starting to bother him that he is acting like I am kind of his f*** buddy. He said “you’re more than that so we need to start acting that way”. I agreed but didn’t really ask what he meant by that. This appears to be moving forward at the speed of molasses (which can be maddening at times) but at least things are moving forward.

Another interesting thing that I noted was that on Thanksgiving, D and I were talking about wanting to see the new Tron movie when it comes out. H stated that we should rent the old Tron and watch it in preparation for the new one. D and I informed him that we had already done so recently. H seemed genuinely in shock and hurt that we had done that without him. SERIOUSLY. He even said (kind of joking but I know there was some truth to it) “I think that’s gonna make me cry”. He was shocked. I felt like saying “if you’re not here then you’re not here!”. But I refrained from saying anything other than we were both willing to re-watch it (which is true).

Lastly, I mentioned about a month ago that H had turned of his FB. Well he turned it on yesterday. I didn’t realize this until today. Once I realized it, I went to his page and was greatly disturbed to see the OW on his friends list. I guess since she was a frequent poster, she shows up on the main page. I know that when he turned it off, she was a friend and he hasn’t had a reason to mess with it till now. But I admit it bothered me. Still does. I guess I’ll just watch and see if she remains on the list. He’d already mentioned before that he felt it would be OK to remain friends with her and I said, in no uncertain terms, I had a BIG problem with that. As much as I feel like telling him I would prefer he defriend her, I will not do so. I will watch and observe. I would much rather see him make that move on his own rather than make any waves right now.

As much as I am pleased with my H coming back, I admit I have great concerns over his growth. He seems to have stalled. Not sure if he’s still seeing his IC or not. I will probably ask him when I discuss D’s IC appt with him. H still has some really big issues he needs to overcome. He has a combo workaholic/slacker issue that is still quite apparent. He gets distracted and can often spend hours reading websites, watching videos etc rather than getting anything productive done. Then, when it comes time to spend family time, he can’t since he’s in catch up mode. He had told me he planned to do a bit of scuba diving this weekend in preparation for getting D scuba certified next weekend. I know he didn’t go today because he was in catch up mode. What he doesn’t know I know is that he spent 5-6 hours yesterday watching Netflix streaming. I have great doubts he’ll manage to get himself to the scuba site tomorrow either. His problem persists. What will no longer happen though is that D and I will not be dragged down. If we have plans, we will keep them and hope he can make it.

Currently spending the weekend 3hours from home. D has shown sudden interest in drum and bugle corp color guard so she's learning the ropes at a weekend camp. Sounds like she's actually enjoying herself so I'm elated. Either she's finally found a calling, or her AD meds are starting to work or both. Either way, this is a good thing!

[hope for zen]

Sounds like you are doing great. Glad to hear your H is making some definite moves closer and that you all had a great holiday.

Sounds like you are doing a great job letting H set the pace in comming home. I know that has to be so hard to do. I also like that you and your D are keeping up your activities 'with or without' your H keeping up.

Hope I can someday make it as far as you have.

Hope the rest of your holiday is good!

[punkin]

Great Alb! It certainly sounds as if things are moving in a positive direction in your case. I must say you've certainly adapted to db'g must faster than I did. I won't say "with more success" because each of us has our own measure of success, even if we don't see it at the time.

Hope everything keeps working out.

[Albuquerque]

Thanks Punkin,

The only true measure of success we have with DBing is OURSELVES. Some of us may reconcile, others may not. But we all need to be confident, content, and secure with ourselves. That is the TRUE reason we DB and in that way, we ALL have the ability to be successful.

[AntoniaB]

I'm glad to read about your progress and the way you are giving space but also remaining clear in your goals and expectations. I think you're doing really well!