Sinclair, I am in the same boat. I am trying to execute a 180 with a wife that won't see me. I have not been in her presence in 28 days. When we were married, the longest we ever went without seeing each other was five days and during that time, we spoke three times a day. I am also looking for advice on how to pull off a 180 with someone than can't see the changes because she won't see me. But I am not going to let this deter me. In that 28 days, I have not tried to contact her once and I have gotten one positive sign. She sent me an email out of the blue a few days ago after weeks of no communication. It was only one sentence, but it was the only communication she has instituted in weeks. Today, she sent me a one line text wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. I sent back a one-line, basic friendly reply and let it go. No "I miss you," no "I love you." Just "Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you are doing well," and signed off. More importantly, I waited two hours to reply just to keep her guessing. Don't ever reply right away unless it is necessary. Don't let her know that you are sitting there waiting for contact. I don't want to get too excited about the communication today, but it is something to keep me going.
Also, I can't stress enough the power of exercise. Three weeks ago I went back to the gym for the first time in 10 years. I now work out four days a week for 90 minutes per session. I bought an Ipod, filled it with motivational music and hit the weights like a mad man every other day. I have put three pounds of the 10 I lost after she left back on. I am eating like a horse again and I have already gotten some compliments about how much better I look. I have to admit I was pushed into it by another friend of mine who had his wife leave him also. He looks like an NFL linebacker now due to his time in the gym. The best thing is that when I leave the gym, I feel great and for 90 minutes, I don't think about anything but busting my own butt with the weights. Give it a try. You won't regret it. Not to mention, the next time she does she you, you will have a new confidence about yourself that she has not seen. I wish you the best of luck and stay in touch.
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Sinclair, I have to agree with Deep, Rob and Cadet.
You need to NOT initiate conversations or texts. Keep your distance and stay busy doing things for you.
Make changes in your home to suit you. Move that furniture and/or change that 'girly' decoration that has always bugged you.
Look at what she has said about your behaviour in the marriage. If what she said "stung", there is likely something to it that needs to be addressed. NOW is the time to look at behaviors that YOU don't like about you. Start with the ones that NEITHER of you like.
When (not if) she starts to push your buttons to make you behave like the person she left (she wants to reinforce her view that you ARE wrong for her), you have to resist. THAT is why you shouldn't answer phone calls. Text and email are KING!! It gives you time to calm your kneejerk reflex responses (what she expects)
Do not argue with her view of you or the M. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a nice way to validate her feelings and avoid confrontation'
ANother great phrase is "I understand what you're saying. I'm going to need to think about that some more"
Originally Posted By: dbmod
You need a different counselor if you want to save your marriage.
Good call, DBMod! Why are you going to MC if she is sleeping with someone else? You need IC!! Make some calls and see if you can find one familiar with Divorce Remedy and other marriage advocacy programs. Google helps a lot.
Originally Posted By: dbmod
If all you've got is no contact, you don't have a marriage.
Right again, DB. Sinclair has a "threesome". That isn't a marriage.
Originally Posted By: dbmod
Start doing something different. Build the friendship part of your marriage. This is not the time to go out with other folks and invoke jealousy, the pushmepullyou thing. Strengthen the warmth and care between you. Do it slowly, calmly.
Going out with the purpose of invoking jealousy is absolutely the wrong thing, Sinclair. This isn't about her anymore. You should be going out to stay busy; increase your circle of friends and re-establish contact with friends you may have drifted away from during your M.
DBmod-I'm sorry but I couldn't find the section of DR that recommends the bolded lines in the case of a cheating spouse. Little help, please? I'd like to know more about this strategy. I didn't have the opportunity to explore this when I was at Sinclair's stage in the sitch. Thanks
When (not if) she starts to push your buttons to make you behave like the person she left (she wants to reinforce her view that you ARE wrong for her), you have to resist. THAT is why you shouldn't answer phone calls. Text and email are KING!! It gives you time to calm your kneejerk reflex responses (what she expects)
Thanks CD Bear
It helps to have a road map. I'll try to prepare myself for this.
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Good call, DBMod! Why are you going to MC if she is sleeping with someone else? You need IC!! Make some calls and see if you can find one familiar with Divorce Remedy and other marriage advocacy programs.
Our MC had a shift in her focus after our third session. She didn't think her efforts as MC were productive. She suggested changing her roll and asked each of us to consider where she could be more helpful. Her last meeting was with my wife; she is now my wife's IC.
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Look at what she has said about your behaviour in the marriage. If what she said "stung", there is likely something to it that needs to be addressed. NOW is the time to look at behaviors that YOU don't like about you. Start with the ones that NEITHER of you like.
Yes, this is what I am currently addressing. The crux of the problem is that I neglected my wife; I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs; I took her for granted. Not that she is blameless (she certainly played her part), but if I had been paying closer attention to my wife's needs, the crises would not have happened in the first place. I was asleep.
Now I am awake! What I believe my wife is telling me (through her actions--not her words) is that I have an opportunity to set a new course for us. If I can take the right approach, something good can come from all of this. So I have been applying the DB techniques; I am taking it slow and I am rebuilding trust between us. I have asked her for nothing. She has offered nothing. But I am no longer asleep and I can see that the changes I have made to myself are working.
Each time we meet, she stays a little longer; she laughs a little more; and she becomes more relaxed. Her body language has changed; she feels comfortable in my presence. She is learning that she can trust the changes that I have made, that they are permanent. So far, she hasn't felt the need to test those changes, but I hope that I will be able to meet those challenges when they come.
Exactly I mean isn't giving your friendship to a cheating spouse rewarding bad behaviour.
Rob1971
That was how I felt at first. I've moved beyond that now. The pain is still there, but what I have come to realize is that she, too, feels the pain. In many ways her pain is worse. She knows in her heart that she was weak; she is feeling shame, remorse and failure. I believe that these feeling can become obstacles in our path that prevents the healing process from getting started.
For me, the DB techniques removed these obstacles. The OM does not occupy my thoughts. I don't discuss OM; it's not about him; it's about me and my wife. Why make OM important? Doing so, gives him power; it gives him a place in your relationship. I've removed OM and the negative feeling associated with OM from our path. Our path is now clear, without obstacles, we can move forward.
We are a mirror for our spouse. If I were to reflect bitterness and resentment towards her, it will perpetuate more of the same in our relationship. I don't want that; I don't think she wants that either. If, on the other hand, I reflect a sense of calm and understanding, it will promote more of the same from her. Right?
The DR book tells us that we need to set small goals and work toward them. One of my goals is to promote calm and understanding in our relationship. due to my efforts (alone) we now have calm and understanding in our relationship; I have reached that goal and I can continue moving along the path.
Sinclair's goal is to save his marriage and grow his marriage. Your advice to him doesn't include that strategy.
He is not in the 'last resort technique', he definitely not in the 'after the last resort technique' which is pretty much what you are suggesting.
And p. 213-214: (section talking about changes you'd like to see in your marriage.)
"Go slowly. You have a lot of time to get to know each other again. You don't have to tackle every concern in a one-houjr discussion. Take your time. Proceed lovingly.
If both of you follow the advice outlined and ignore friends and relatives who ask, "Why do you put up with that" or I can't believe s/he hasn't gotten over this yet," you will start to feel that your marriage is moving in the right direction."...
Michele goes on to say, then jump to Chapter 8---Keeping the Positive Changes Going. and then...to page 161, in the example she gives.....
"...I continued to work on the business and to employ the simple, unconditional frienship that has always been an ally in my relationship with my wife."
And then there's more exampls in Chapter 9, "Pulling it All Together".
Hang in there, sinclair. You can have a great marriage.
..."Build the friendship part of the marriage..." CD Bear, I can't direct you to DR section that recommends it, but there is Michelle's article titled "While your spouse decides" in article section of the homepage.
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
FellOnBlackDays, I'm sorry that you find yourself in this place, but it sounds like something positive will result. From my experience, it starts slow (little baby steps). Her text/email is a good sign; she is telling you how to make contact. Your wife is probably scared. She doesn't know how you are going to react.
Follow the DB techniques and bring calm to your relationship.
After 28 days of no contact, I don't think a positive email to your wife is breaking any rules. Just don't ask her any questions. In her mind, you should already know her reasons for everything. I would start by telling her she made a good decision. Tell her that the time apart has been therapeutic and necessary. Tell her that you admire her strength. Don't argue; don't ask questions. Support her decisions (even if you don't agree). Build trust between you.
If all you've got is no contact, you don't have a marriage.
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Right again, DB. Sinclair has a "threesome". That isn't a marriage.
This comment is not only false, but it's offensive, CD Bear.
I've had no intimate physical contact with with my wife for some time. If there is a 'threesome' going on, I'm certainly not a party to it. My wife's sexual behavior is her business. We are separated. I don't claim to know what she is doing and neither should you.
At this point in time, my wife and I are friends. It's the first step in what maybe a long process; we still need to rebuild trust.
