Another goal that is part of my GAL is to reconnect with my old friends and make new ones, but the rejection thing is a big obstacle here.
That might be a good place to start on confronting your fear of rejection. The old ones first, making new friends is also about finding the opportunity to do so. Its not quite as simple as going up to someone and saying, "Hey you're my new friend!"
: )
I'd be more worried about you if that person agreed.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The old friend thing is a little bit tricky for me, because I do not want to end up in the same place as WAW. Before the bomb was dropped, I did not have a face book page and now I do. Old girlfriends and high school crushes are starting to show up and I am in a vulnerable position right now. My wife says hurtful things to me every other day now and I am the one avoiding R conversations because of it. Most of them are not factually true but I know confronting her now with facts is futile. I have done it though and all she will do is shift the focus to something else and minimize the importance of it. She does this with time lines a lot because she does not want to acknowledge (even to herself) that her relationship with OM did not "just happened" and that it started before she dropped the bomb on me.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
We are going to MC tomorrow and I do not even know what to tell the counselor. She is now thinking of triathlon. Good for her. Did not register for her credential class.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
I think a Christmas gift or not is not really a priority right now. In light of your current situation, unless failing to give her tokens of affection was a problem area, it doesn't make much sense to me. How about a simple Christmas card saying "Merry Christmas" if you feel you must do something?
I was glad to see your post about your OWN issues. With all the many things you mentioned in other posts, what stood out to me was that you probably were not the easiest person to live with, and probably an even more difficult person to stay madly in love with.
I don't say that to be harsh, but to agree with you that YOU have work to do on YOU, and this marriage crisis is one that BOTH of you made.
Hopefully this will allow you to find some empathy for her current state. Infidelity is never justified however, so don't go overboard.
A stalemate never lasts, though they can seem to drag on forever. If you can stay the course, stay true to yourself, work on YOUR issues, and keep the relationship discussions to an absolute minimum, at some point SHE will break the stalemate.
I know you don't want the status quo, but neither does she. And nothing you do is going to force her into a decision, even if you ask her to make one.
Make peace in the home. Make the environment one that stays good for the children - it is the two of you who have the issues after all.
Fianlly, if you TRULY fear that she might up and leave with the kids and the bank account, do not hesitate to establish some legal protection. But don't do this just to punish her. You do it because you honestly are afraid that she might decide to clean you out and take off with the kids. I cannot tell from your posts if this is a legitimate fear or a wild thought on your part.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks a lot for your post. It was very helpful. She is free to take all the money. I really do not care about it anymore. I was very tight with it before so that is a 180 for me, also, if I am not going to have a family, I really do not need it. Also if she decides to stay with me, I want it to be an emotional decision, not an economic one (OM is bankrupt). Failing to give her tokens of affection was a problem area in the sense that I gave her things I thought she needed or should want instead of the things she asked for. MC was canceled by the counselor today so we are now doing it on Monday. One problem I have is that I do not know what she wants out of it. Some times she acts as if we are still married but most of the time she acts as if she is living with an enemy that she can not trust but must deal with. She cooks for me, made me a pie for Thanksgiving (out of guilt I think) and wants me to go visit my mother and re-establish my relationships with my side of the family. She says she wants me to be happy and that she worries about what I might do if she leaves but insist that my happiness can not be tied to her staying in a relationship that no longer works for her.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
She says she wants me to be happy and that she worries about what I might do if she leaves but insist that my happiness can not be tied to her staying in a relationship that no longer works for her.
She's absolutely right about the part in bold underline.
You cannot tie your ability to be happy to her. She may bring joy to your life. She may mean a tremendous amount to you. But YOU are the only one who can determine your happiness.
Trust me that the rest of what she has said is ever so typical of a spouse who has mentally checked out of the relationship and is simply biding their time.
You can't respond to that stuff. If she expresses things about you that she thought were flaws, you owe it to yourself to look within and determine whether or not her comment has merit.
But leave all the rationalization talk alone and strike it from your mind.
Serial killers rationalize why they do what they do. Tyrannical despots rationalize why they do what they do. Politicians rationalize why they do what they do.
Your wife is no different in this respect - she has chosen a course of action that you and many others consider wrong, and so she must rationalize it. To try to argue the merits of her thoughts, or even to give them weight in your own mind is a sure step towards madness.
Work on you. Find your balance. Become strong and confident again. You're older and wiser. You've learned valuable lessons. And you have a great opportunity right now for a bit of a mid-life correction.
Make the most of it.
Strength and honor.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
