May not have time to finish this post completely right now, but saw my IC today... Who is an addiction specialist.
He told me gambling addicts who go to Vegas don't go for the thrill of the big win, but for the excitement and anticipation... The fantasy.
He is having me separate the actual EA from my fantasy EA (Sooooo similar to what FMV went through). See, it's the fantasy that hooks you... Not the reality.
Also spoke about aspects of my H's personality that keep's him from fulfilling the love needs I have... And how the fantasy is filling up that void. What you are willing to go without in a R at 25 with kids, building a life, etc changes and now I'm seeking that closeness, affirmations that EA Fantasy fulfilled.
It's deep work, harder if EA doesn't respect distance, or worse... Dumps your W, because it makes her crave that more.
GW, I'm just learning myself... And yes, I miss OM alot, but mostly missing fantasy relationship not the reality. It's harder when my husband pushes me away or is disrespectful...
Having to stand up for myself alot now, to him and kids in order take care of myself. But in the long run... Figure I'm doing him a favor.
You are doing him a favor. Don't stop. You realize that is an addiction. That is so great. I am so happy for you, especially given where my M has turned, I am so happy for you. Don't give in. Be a success story
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Huh. Just a journal to try and get this sunk into what seems to be my very, very thick skull.
I have the right to be angry or hurt when someone hurts me. I DON'T have to feel guilty for hurting, or for feeling angry, just because the person who hurt me seems to have a good 'reason' or 'justification' for doing so...
- It doesn't matter if their behavior is a result of reacting to their own pain and anger in their life.
- It doesn't matter if the pain that is causing them to hurt me 'seems' larger than the pain their behavior causes me.
- It doesn't matter if they imply that they're hurting me because I caused their pain in the first place.
I STILL have a right to FEEL my own HURT. I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL MY OWN ANGER. AND I don't have to disguise or hide my own pain so as not to make them feel guilty for hurting me!!! I DON'T have to hide my own pain so they don't feel guilty for hurting me. I don't have to hide my own pain so they won't feel guilty for hurting me.
God that hurts.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
It is healthy to not bottle it up and get it out. Not only do you have a right, you owe it to yourself.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Dear FMV, you most certainly have a right to feel hurt when you are treated badly. If anyone tells you otherwise, then that is poor advice from them. It's human to be hurt when those closest to us are mean, selfish, thoughtless, or in many ways.....a bully.
Quote:
It doesn't matter if their behavior is a result of reacting to their own pain and anger in their life.
- It doesn't matter if the pain that is causing them to hurt me 'seems' larger than the pain their behavior causes me.
- It doesn't matter if they imply that they're hurting me because I caused their pain in the first place.
If a newcomer posted this on their thread, what would you think about their S and mor importantly, what would you tell that newcomer?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I learned the hard way: it doesn't matter WHY they hurt me, what matters is their actions/words.
If you put your hand on the stove, it's your responsibility to take care of YOU, and pull your hand away if the stove is hot, so you don't get burned.
(((HUG))). You are strong -- you deserve to be pain-free, don't settle for less!!! Get out of your head about it, and go ahead and be angry. Angry enough to take care of YOU!
We're both on our way FMV. Moving out of the pain and into our new lives, with all the potential for happiness.
Thinking of you and sending strong thoughts your way...
Thanks and hugs to you all for your support. And i'm sorry... I wasn't speaking about anything specific my H has done recently. I'm sorry; I feel like I misled; it came out in such a blurt I didn't think to clarify. It's my relationships with people in general, and one person to a greater extent, (not my H) in particular. It just kind of came in a wave before I wrote it and I scrambled for this place to write it down.
Still I am always surprised at the 'layers' it takes to understand some of these concepts. My IC has been trying to get me to understand how I judge my feelings for so long... my whole life really. And I'd think... "oh yah I get it, BUT THIS hurt, or THIS anger... really IS wrong to feel because of ...blah blah blah." Well duh...If that's not self-judgement, what the heck is? I get it now.
And I think I'm getting why I did it. Because when you stop judging your feelings... when you stop giving yourself reasons why you SHOULDN'T feel them... you start feeling them. And crap some of them are really hurting; and there's a sh*tload of anger in there I don't want to deal with either. With this particular situation, I don't know HOW to get angry or HOW to hurt about it, without judging myself for it. So I guess another step to learn. Anyways. Back to work. Thank you for continuing to read and support me. It's so greatly appreciated.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Well I am glad to hear it wasn't something specific that came from your H.
When I read this post, it makes me wonder if your were raised around a particlar person who was very critical where you were concerned. I had a very critical person in my life and it caused me to have low self-esteem until I was grown and up into my twenties. It is something about a critical spirit toward you that just breaks down your attempts at having self-confidence. I think when a parent is harsh or expects perfection from a child, it certainly can cause some barriers developing good mental health.
Thankfully, my H is not the critical type, but my sister M a man who is mentally abusive and it's hard to watch her cow down under his behavior. I think I've told you about that. What I can't understand is the few times she did stand up for herself....he respected her for it and it actually made their R better.
I think that is true in most R, be it M, friendship, co-workers or whoever.
I think it's good that you are able to express yourself here.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think it's good that you are able to express yourself here. ((hugs))
Thank you and hugs back to you Sandi, that means so much to me. I'm sad to hear your sister is still suffering; she and your families will be in my thoughts. I hope that the spirit that enabled her to stand up to him those few times will be uncovered again soon.
I was actually raised by a mom who basically taught me that her feelings were more important than mine; that if I needed comfort I should feel guilty because my comfort, my happiness... came at the expense of her pain, her sacrifice; although she was entitled to lay her problems at my feet and vent her anger, cry and ask for my comfort, and advice. I think my mom was deeply in need of help herself, and although as a young person I'd beg her to seek counselling, she never did, claiming that she had 'no problem'.
Now. With that being said please know that I HATE the thought of blaming my mom. She did the very best she could and gave up a lot for us all. And I'm very aware that there's many of us here who would give their eye-teeth to still have a mother, regardless of the nature of the relationship. So it's been a VERY painful and guilt-inducing struggle for me to acknowledge my own pain around my childhood. The thought of actually being angry at someone for doing something they perhaps could not control is very scary. So I think what I wrote and came to today, is an important step for me.
Anyways, it came as a surprise to me, after learning to assert myself and make such big changes in my M, that I wasn't able to make the same changes within my oldest role - that of a daughter. Well, maybe I shouldn't be surprised after all. Maybe those are the most difficult ones to change. Thank you again for your insights and support Sandi. Please have a wonderful thanksgiving this week. FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Oh! Sandi! I'm so sorry. I just reread your post and had missed your comment about your own experiences with a very critical person in your life, and how it affected your self-esteem. I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel bad for rattling on about my own sitch and missing that! Many hugs to you... tell me, if you feel comfortable sharing... how did you come to reclaim your self-confidence in your twenties?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I'm sorry; I feel like I misled; it came out in such a blurt I didn't think to clarify. It's my relationships with people in general, and one person to a greater extent, (not my H) in particular. It just kind of came in a wave before I wrote it and I scrambled for this place to write it down.
FMV.