In the process

[newmama]

whoa-- another thing-- many of these people are in their late 30s, 40s, and haven't been married or have only had short term relationships. Guess they were working their tails off to make their money instead of pursuing love? or escaping through work?

ok am not going to post anymore. guess I'm just bored, lol!!!

[kml]

I'm in my fifties and I always wonder about those never-married guys at my age. One of whom is my most ardent suitor at the moment.

It's definitely a red flag for me so far as dating goes. Are they so socially inept that no one would marry them? Were they a commitment-phobic player - and still are? Low testosterone???

As for my current never-married suitor - his story seems to be as follows:
Traumatic breakup at thirty after a five year serious relationship - he had his reservations about the relationship, but when she left he went kinda crazy. Then I think he spent most of his thirties dating around and drinking too much and trying to get somewhere in his career. Then in his forties his family's health fell apart and he returned home to help - father died of a prolonged ugly illness, then mom got sick and sister had a bad stroke.

Some bad breaks, but obviously, someone who was more motivated to be coupled up and a little stronger emotionally would probably not have made the same choices.

[awest1217]

About exSIL, being very religious myself, I understand not wanting to D, but in my experience, her H is still cheating. If he erases texts, says she us controlling when asking (not demanding) certain things to help her trust, and no sex at all in 4 months; he is cheating. This was my exact sitch for years and I have read article after article using these exact clues.

It is hard to have a snow day. I hate when I get S ready then I hear it is called off, not that we get many.

Have a great Thanksgiving! Thanks for the dating tips too. I hope to use them soon. Fingers crossed.

[soleil]

But seriously, when the WASs walk away from so much for someone else (lust usually) they do feel they're stuck.
they keep trying to sell to themselves that this was a good idea and it'll work, maybe things will get better with time, maybe things will be better if I marry her etc. But it's like quick sand

I think leaving your partner for someone else is possible one of the stupidest things anyone could ever do. If you are going to leave, fine, but don't let it because of someone else. It's 9 out of 10 times, the dumbest idea ever.

She wants to be able to see his activity on his phone (transparency) and he finds it controlling.

They haven't had sex in 4 months because

he is waiting for the feeling of love and intimacy to return before he can have sex with her again. Isn't that also a bit backward?

He is totally cheating. Sounds like the H is involved not in only in a PA but a strong EA as well.

[soleil]

It's definitely a red flag for me so far as dating goes. Are they so socially inept that no one would marry them? Were they a commitment-phobic player - and still are? Low testosterone???

I can see how you could think this. I'm a little younger than you but I find at my page, anyone who hasn't had a relationship of any kind tips me off for sure. Red flag indeed.

[flowmom]

Yes, when I see a guy my age whose longest relationship has been 2 years I immediately think "what is wrong with you???". To clarify, there's nothing wrong with relationships not being a priority to you, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone for whom relationships aren't a priority! I'm sorry, it's not "bad luck". Even the guy who I dated who had been with zillions of women managed to stay married for several years.

[newmama]

Thanksgiving went fine! I made candied sweet potatoes,a S'mores chocolate pie and a layered bean dip. Once again, stuff I had around the house. The Smores pie ended up reminding me of hot chocolate with marshmallows (because I used cocoa powder instead of chocolate bar)

S freaked out at first when we arrived at my dad's but then he relaxed and settled in. I packed a bunch of toys so he had fun playing with the toys and my step sister. Of course just as he was really settling in with all of the people, we had to leave to go to my mom's. Once we arrived, he did the same thing and then settled in. I packed his toys over there as well.

I did cry on the way home--S was asleep so he didn't know and I am a silent crier any way. I was crying about remembering the pain of those months when I wasn't aware of the affair but just was being rejected by exH and was in so much pain. No "I love you," no affection, no sex, the distance in his interactions with me, and I was pregnant on top of it all.

But the absence of rejection was a relief. WHen I went NC with him after kicking him out, it was hard for 3 days and then I felt relief. No chronic reminder that I was being rejected by the man I deeply loved and trusted and was grateful to have in my life because he was the one person I could rely on (since my family is made of bonafide flakes...I am constantly let down by their lack of follow through so I don't even bother asking them for help for anything whatsoever. I am not exaggerating ).

So I was crying because I think subconsciously I remembered the drive back from my mom's house when I was pregnant and how much pain I was in by the way exH was treating me and how deeply hurt and scared and HELPLESS I felt and had no idea how to get him to snap out of it and had no idea why he was acting the way he was.

I am thankful that I don't have that pain to deal with today. I'll take loneliness over rejection.

[awest1217]

I understand the tears, and I hear you.

I am glad you had a good thanksgiving!

[newmama]

thanks awest! Are you over in the new neighborhood yet? (the other place many of the DBers have started to post)

[flowmom]

triggers. (((hugs))) newmama.

Yes, I pick loneliness over rejection too. It really takes its toll. I also feel very sad thinking the hurt in the M.

Sorry that your family can't be there for you. ugh.