In the process

[Mystik]

I'm around, CW. Started a new thread, going to be posting there in a few.

[Mystik]

After that journal hijack I should post something to NM, shouldn't I?

I am dreading the day H tells me he and Whore are engaged. Good for you for mentally preparing yourself and being far enough detached that you aren't anticipating a horrible reaction to it. I also hope that it's a long long long time from now that you hear that news.

[newmama]

Hi Mystik! BTW don't feel obligated to post if you are just reading along Many times I don't post on others' because someone else already said what I was thinking or I just plain don't have anything positive to share. Like "yeah, that is terrible and your life is really hard right now. I can't think of anything to help you feel better." How dismal is that, lol?

Awest- I know they say the WAS family usually cracks and ends up accepting the WAS and their OP. It is just a slap in the face for them to do it before the divorce is final!!!But OW will never be able to truly "take your spot." If the extended family knows the truth, hopefully she will feel ashamed and uncomfortable.

I admit that I still care if he takes OW to my SIL's place but I don't care so much if it is his dad's or mom's. The reason is that my exSIL has been so adamant about not having OW in her house or seeing OW or condoning that relationship that it would really hurt to see her "back pedal."

FM, CW and Mystik- I hope I never hear that news obviously! BUt I am realistic to know it will affect me. I just want to be able to be in a point where I can think of this without thinking of the affair/betrayal. You know, like how my parents divorced without an affair. If exH and I parted on different terms, then it would hurt that he remarried but it would also most likely feel different. In this case, I was so positive for so long that they wouldn't last and now it has been 20 months. But who's counting? lol If you notice, I don't talk about him and her and "the affair" as much as I used to so I hope that is progress.

[flowmom]

Yes, that is progress. The more we accept, the less mental real estate they take up, and the more energy we have for OURSELVES. Yay

[newmama]

It is a snowday today! My school district took forever to announce the closure (they have been known to stay open or have a 2 hour late start when others close). So I woke up thinking we had school and got ready, but at least I showered and got dressed for the day before S woke up.

The downside to the snowday is that it's sooo cold and icy that S and I can't really go anywhere. I tried to "mix it up" in the house the best I could. Set up a train set from last year's Christmas and he kind of gets it now...of course he still doesn't have the motor skill necessary for positioning the magnetic mini train cars on the grooves of the track but he does push them down the sloped bridge and laughs when they crash! He is also playing with little people and it's adorable...puts them in his toy house and in cars... I got those from a friend and have lots of hand me down toys that he can now play with. He likes to play in the pantry and take all of the cans and put them together, or the boxers of crackers. I had some leftover Nutrisystem wrapped bars in a container and he took his cereal bars and put them in there! Guess that means he is into sorting,eh?

Finally, I was able to complete his photobook. I got a groupon this summer that lasted a year, but the photobook was for his "first year" and I wanted to get it completed before too much longer. I wrote captions from the perspective of talking to him. Maybe next year he will like it- but it is a soft book so I think I won't be putting it in his library of books...he totally ripped off many of the paper hands in the one paper book "Anno's Peekaboo" that I let him read -- it was funny though because he took one of the ripped off paper hands and put it on top of a picture in the book to play peekaboo!

Oh and last night I got a message from the documentary guy but deleted it without opening. The subject was "coming to (my area) next week!" phew- got out of that in time

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sometimes people stay together for 10+years even when it was the worst relationship they've ever been in...just ask my W

But seriously, when the WASs walk away from so much for someone else (lust usually) they do feel they're stuck. What are they going to say 'oh, I made the biggest mistake of my life, this is horrible I'm done here...' while that would be the right think to do but they keep trying to sell to themselves that this was a good idea and it'll work, maybe things will get better with time, maybe things will be better if I marry her etc. But it's like quick sand and ultimately one or the other will do this because they're who they are. If they can walk away from their wives and families so easily what's stopping them from doing it again.

[newmama]

Good point, IR...if they can survive a divorce then they know they can do it again (this was my exH's second marriage- his first wife left him for another man. Go figure!)

Well I finally talked to my exSIL. At first we made small talk; at the very end of the conversation I found out that she didn't know that our divorce was final. I thought I sent her a text but maybe not. But I asked her how she and her H (whom she remarried after he cheated on her and left her for OW but divorced her[exSIL] promptly) were doing.

My exSIL is religious. SHe said basically, there is not a biblical reason for her to divorce right now but she would if she could. She is exhausted and done with his lack of understanding and actions (it's called REMORSE.The man is NOT remorseful).

He sees her requests to temporarily avoid doing things like avoid going to meat market night clubs (to watch his friend play in a band) as controlling. The went together and she saw several women hitting on him and one pushed her boobs up against him and strutted by, shaking her hips and standing right in front of him. (That would be obnoxious even if your spouse didn't cheat but considering that he did, wow. Very tough to deal with)After that visit, she asked if they could take a break from places like that until they are in a better place in their recovery.

She wants to be able to see his activity on his phone (transparency) and he finds it controlling.

She politely requested that he not go to the wedding of one of his buddies because he dated several of the females attending. He told her she needs to "trust him." But he didn't go.



They haven't had sex in 4 months because he says he had sex with women he didn't love and now he is so ashamed that he did what he did that he can't make love to her. Nope, he is waiting for the feeling of love and intimacy to return before he can have sex with her again. Isn't that also a bit backward?

Ok but this is the worst part. She said when she checked his phone, she saw that all of his sent messages were deleted. She thinks that it's odd and he was, of course, offended that she was "spying" on him.

He says that she needs to stop bringing this up. Now I can't remember when they remarried--was it last year? I need to look through my own posts. But it was before he did any work. I thought he was a grade A jerk before he divorced her due to his very selfish, very narcissistic tendencies and he is now a AAA grade jerk (or whichever is higher than grade A).

He is still seeing a therapist but she has stopped for awhile. His therapist is male chauvanistic so maybe that is why he continues to see him.

SO if my religious exSIL is seriously feeling done with her marriage and seeking divorce [I don't blame her--what a @$$h0le!!!!], I see how getting divorced makes it easier to do it again. Like you see that you can survive, you have lived without the bad stuff that the ex brought along and you liked it, and you might have even met another person. All of that is proof that life after divorce exists so then it makes it less sad and scary and a viable "option"? (for those of you who have been divorced twice or more, let me know if my theory is right)

[newmama]

ok now I had a chance to read what I posted and I want you to trust that I left out plenty of details about her H being insensitive to her pain and vulnerability. He doesn't even say "I love you" to her. She said she is living with a roommate.
If the situation was different, I wouldn't be supporting her decision to divorce ( AND I DID NOT VOICE MY OPINION) and I did say things like "it can only get better. They say that reconciling is extremely difficult, right? What are the small things that he is doing to show he cares? Good for you for staying strong. I guess when you thought marriage was hard before, it wasn't like this. BUt you can get through it."

I did also tell her that I could see why she would want to divorce him, because if he doesn't ever "get it" then how can she live a life of misery? I also asked her if she goes around bringing it up a lot and she says no, but there are these triggers. So after the triggers take place, she suppresses it and then she blows up at him eventually. After she blows up, he is nicer to her for awhile.

Anyway I told her to hang in there and she is a very strong woman and I admire her. We'll be visiting her next week!

Oh and she doesn't like talking to my exH (her brother) and no, she isn't seeing him for the holidays. I didn't ask much more than that but I admit I was curious!

[Mystik]

Sounds like SIL has a lot to deal with and her H's attitude is making it so much harder than it should be. Reconciling is hard work, I know that even if I haven't ever done it, and after an affair it is even more so because that's one huge betrayal to forgive. Why did he bother coming back around and proposing a second chance if he wasn't truly invested?

[newmama]

ok so I am watching Millionaire Matchmaker and window shopping online. (Wow, that sounds so shallow! But I am Christmas shopping!)

It's fun to watch this show- the variety of personalities and looks, and analyzing who they choose for their master dates and watching how the dates turn out.

Time and again, the clients don't listen to Patti and they end up either not liking their date or they offend their date by doing the wrong thing!!! Hey, I actually think about some of Patti's advice when I am in the mood to date (lol- yeah, like the 3 dates I have been on so far since exH...what am I talking about?)

her advice: when meeting someone, keep it positive (no foul language or harsh/ negative opinions or complaining for example), look your best (duh), 2 drink maximum, no kiss with tongue, and no sex. Do open up a little by sharing something personal but not yet "my mother is an alcoholic and abandoned us" personal. More like "I wish I had a better relationship with my mom but luckily I am close to my grandma so she is my second mom. What about you? Are you close to your mom?" (disclaimer- that isn't true- I just chose an example)