How do I deal with now he's overseas?

[newmama]

Just remember, NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!

sounds like what Babydoll did...just "floated!"

I hope you have a great time! Good GAL to hang with a gal!
(hardy har har!)

[MrBond]

"How does someone come back from that?"

Time and compassion.

[ericmsant2]

Hi Piano,

Just dropped in to say happy Turkey Day

Eric

[Piano]

Happy Turkey day back to you, Eric, and my American friends.
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving on my side of the world, but I understand it's a great tradition over there, even bigger than Christmas, can that be true??

Newmama, you funny gal, you!

So.....

Just got back from my trip.

Had a very hard time reading Codependent No More and have started to feel very bad about myself.

Especially the bit where it says you co-dependent relationships end rather violently.

My sitch was so crazy and made me so desperate at times, that I've started to wonder if H was trying to escape a 'sick' relationship.

See - there I go blaming myself again!

H sent me an email also. Says he is going to pay a certain sum per month (not far from what he's meant to), that he will help me with my citizenship but would prefer we go down the normal channels and legally seperate so I can get more $ from the state, then he mentions how there is "so much to sort out" but there's "time for that". He's talking divorce and separation of all our assets.

He thanks me a lot for my email and the photos.. says how beautiful the child is, how much he misses her.

Reiterates that he is coming her for her 1st birthday and has told his boss.

signs off "With all my thoughts".


So, you might say this is positive, that this he is taking the 'bait', so to speak (that is, me being nice).

But how did it make me FEEL?

Extremely bad. Extremely extremely hurt, as if I was betraying myself.

I was so angry all of a sudden. I cried my guts out like I haven't for months.

What's happening to me?

Is this the typical cycling of codependent behaviour? Am I stuck, emotionally?

Am I freaking out because now H and I are dealing with the reality (separation talk, rather than R talk) of what is happening?

Or because I am not acting true to myself.

Because I keep coming back to the idea that a man who leaves a woman like my H left me, is a cruel, cruel man and my problem is that I am still hanging on to our old relationship which is dead.

I was very frightened for my mental health this week.

I felt so sad, so angry, so tired.

Don't want this to turn into a pity party, just reporting honestly on what the last 4 days have been like.

I haven't replied to H. the lawyer discussion was bumped to next week as the phone lines were blocked due to storms this week.
What I want to write to him is this:

"I am sorry you are missing your daughter and it is causing you pain. I don't know how to help you because I am also dealing with the pain of your decisions. I have decided to legally separate and use a laywer to sort out any details. I'm not angry or anything, just way too tired after this year and raising a young baby on my own."

[Piano]

Sorry, damn edit button again.

Not sure how I would end that email in reality...

I'm not sending it anyway..the old 48hrs rule!

[newmama]

I like that email, Piano. You don't have to end it other than
"- Piano"

I like it because it sounds calm, not angry, not too kiss ass-ey, just matter of fact. It sounds like you are taking charge but you also alluded that this is painful (as in you aren't the one choosing to end the marriage but since he brought up separation you are going for it)

And Piano, I don't think being heartbroken and deeply sad by this decision has ANYTHING TO DO WITH BEING CODEPENDENT!!! It is normal, it is healthy, it is a typical reaction to discussing the end of a marriage.

Gee, and how is he going to feel once he sees you are moving forward and not wondering how you could ever live without the idea of him by your side?



I just talked about the end of limbo--even if it means divorce-- ended up meaning the end to pain. Ok well not 100% but the pain lifted soooooo quickly after the D papers!

So he will see your bub in another 7 months? I just don't know about this man. I don't get it. I don't get my exH either.

[newmama]

yikes, ugh, I don't want to sound like I am saying how it's so great being divorced and you should join the club. I hope you see that I am not saying that...

It's just that there is a reason why God allows husband and wife to divorce in the case of infidelity. It's one of the commandments, and I am saying that after a certain point, well, the old marriage is DEAD! The marriage with the cheating husband! The marriage where the husband cheated on you after you got pregnant and he moved across the world to leave his daughter and be with OW.

It is so crystal clear to me what Gatsby said months ago--she wanted to just go ahead and divorce because she knew that the divorce did not mean that she and her H wouldn't end up together.

[Piano]

I get what you mean, Newmama and also think that being afraid of D is baaaaaaad for Dbing!

Thanks for reassuring me. I think we are all codependent, and given the (our) circumstances, it's only normal to feel this level of grief and anger etc.

[Piano]

I sent H an email. Longer that the one I posted above.
I am just so tired of this, so I wanted to put a few things out in the open.

I told him I am going to use a lawyer, what the CSA expects from him in terms of child support, how difficult things are going to be financially, and how upset and tired I am after the years events.

I know I am levelling a decent amount of blame on him in this email, but I don't care. What he did sucks beyond beleif and I am in desperate need of picking my self esteem up the floor, which includes sending a few truth darts his way...otherwise they seem to go internal.

I will be trying to work on getting better at this...

But I need to be ME. I need to find me and give free reign to MY voice.

[fullmoon]

Hi Piano, just popped in to see if there is a familiar name and found your thread.
I hope you are feeling better today.

P, I can totally relate to your feelings... I had a nervous breakdown MONTHS after I've been GALing so well!
An important interview with the board triggered it and I started to have dreams about STBXH day after day, the two of us living in a suburban house somewhere and just having normal conversations.

Is it possible to switch your focus to today P?
When we feel sad/angry about our stitch, I think what happens is we are focusing on our past and could-have-been future.
But was it really that good and perfect, the life with H?
All this emotions, could it be because he decided to pull the plug, the human nature of wanting what we can't have?