James Dobson - "Love Must be Tough". Great on boundaries, great on letting go of the people that abuse you (especially those spouses openly having affairs & still living at home - ie. cakeeating).
Side point - Dobson is a terrible homophobe. Found that part very disappointing.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
CMNM, Thanks for your post. I'm glad my post resonnated with you.I cycle through emotions, but I really want to calm down my anger..for MYSELF.
I can sound all calm and everyhing because I am not having to deal with my WH on a daily basis, like many other's are here where there are kids involved.
Good on you for offering your advice. Good people stray. There is usually a reason and yes, it's often a question of poor boundaires and sometimes momentary lack of integrity/ability to work things out "like and adult". We are all weak in some areas, no one is perfect.
I hope the family gathering with XH goes well.
My parents are divorced, and the two sides of my family (dad & step-mum, mother and step-dad) share special occassions and see each other regualrly... It's taken 30 years, but they got there and I am proud of them. It's sure made life a lot easier on us 'kids' !
Well, I beleive being strong without being unkind or being an a$$ is the best way for me to move forward, with or without H coming around.
Good, this is for YOU- YOUR VALUES are to be strong without being cold or a jerk.
I will keep my posts shorter than some of the others just for variety
But my gut reaction to you saying your citizenship is top priority- you do what you need to do! Honestly! Don't mess around- trust your instincts and get that taken care of.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Oh and I agree with G- GAL without the self help books is WAAAAAY more fun and helps more with detachment than reading the books about how badly we screwed up in our relationships and what terrible communication habits we have and how to change and oh boy....depressing and overwhelming!
Put that relationship rebuilding stuff on the back burner and you will come back to it in a natural way. Hard to explain but I think it must be a process or something. Heck, maybe it prevents you from being detached and that's why it doesn't go well with GAL!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks for that. I really do appreciate your kindness and understanding.
I will tell you this, I learned the following lessons through my very bad choices:
1. It is very possible to cheat and love your spouse at the same time. 2. It is very possible to cheat and NOT love the OP whatsoever. 3. When you feel badly about yourself, it is lots easier to get validation from outside instead of working on yourself.
That may sound very simple, but it was quite the revelation to me. I share it with you now because I would have never believed the first two if I hadn't experienced them first-hand.
The family gathering will be wonderful. And not in a "see? we can be grown-up and polite to each other" kind of way. More like: "Wow, this is the relationship we could have had all those years??? Lets get to it!" kind of a way.
#1: Yeah, I can see how this might be. But you for sure haven't got the hots for your spouse if you are cheating. #2: My H loves the other person (according to what he has said) #3: Yes. I think my H thinks that the only person who understands him and wants him to be happy is the OP.
