To me you represent the two polar opposite ways of busting the affair/saving the marriage.
One, tough love (Dobson) and two, bo-peep/calm things down/be the better option.
It's important in every sitch to do weigh up all the information and conflicting advice, and do what WORKS. Not what makes our spouse happy or upset, but what will bring me closer to my GOAL.
My goals:
hopefully to save my M but first and foremost save ME. My H is not ready to come back home, I am not ready to receive him. We both need to change. And he needs to leave the OW who he is in love with and she is in love with him. I cannot control that in any way shape or another. Meanwhile, I CAN make it tough on him financially. Not tough so much as what is FAIR. I need to protect my baby and me and our future. Quick smart. And I would also like to keep my life options open by securing my citizenship, which is my due.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
As you have seen, you can get advice from one person that is the exact opposite of another's. It used to happen to me all the time. I would get so confused as to what was "right" and what was "wrong" that I ended up not being true to myself.
Which approach speaks to you, Piano?
In my time, I was accused of letting my H be a cake-eater. I would listen to that, and end up getting angry at him, and worse yet, feeling justified in my anger. At those times, I would lash out and usually undo any of the good that I had done up until that point.
You know your H better than anyone on this board does. You know your history better than anyone as well. I see that you used to talk over him and had a little bit of a controlling streak (so did I..oh man, so did I).
What worked best for me was to fix the things that needed fixing...not for my H but for ME. After all, it really isn't nice to talk over people, and being too controlling is a problem. Of course, I wanted my H back, but I also wanted a better version of me.
I spent time with him and worked on our relationship by changing the things that I could change. I know you don't have that luxury, but you do have what the DB mod suggested- light and happy emails and pictures of your child.
That doesn't mean your life has to stop in the meantime. No one is advising that you put all your eggs in that basket and sit home and pine away and wait for email replies. You keep on living, but yes...leave that door a teeny bit open.
I firmly agree with "being the better option."
The key is to have no expectations, other than to continue to be a better you.
I am hopeful that your H will reply to your email and you can begin a friendly exchange. I am not saying a romantic exchange, but a friendly one. Let's face it, you are going to be in eachother's lives for at least 18 more years to some extent. At the very least, you can build a solid co-parenting relationship. Or more. Who knows?
Right now, you need to decide what is right for you. And then monitor the heck outta the results. Do what works, as they say around these parts.
P.S. I love that you realize that he is not ready to come home, nor are you ready to receive him. In looking back (see how long I have been here?) I am glad that we did not reconcile at the times I thought i was ready. It would not have worked.
CMNM, thanks for chiming in. I was almost paralysed by the conflicting advice. My advice to any newbie would be along the lines of most of the good advice here --- detach from the situation, remove yourself from the drama so you can stop and THINK. If you react to the WAS's crazy antics, you are only getting in the mud with them and then nobody can lead the way out of the crisis. But hey, I ONLY know this in hindsight. I didn't know then what I know now - now I know it in my bones, before it was all nice theory. That's life..we all heal and get a hold of ourselves at different paces, and by then the WAS could be so far down their path that no "saving of the M" can take place.
I'd be interested in looking at your sitch. Where do you post?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Well, I beleive being strong without being unkind or being an a$$ is the best way for me to move forward, with or without H coming around.
I know some would call this soft.
But I did 10 months of ranting and raging in WH's face, and apart from turning him off me completely, I could not beleive what I was allowing HIS ACTIONS turn me into!
I cannot let him have that power over me...
Not because I am being soft
Becauase I want to have self-respect and get anger out of my heart because it's hurting me and hurt me for too long being the 'victim' in all this.
I don't post anymore, and when I did, it was very sporadic. As I said, I got so much conflicting advice that it was doing me more harm than good, because I did not have the self-confidence to decide what would be best for ME.
Besides that, I cheated on my H long into all of this...and to some people (C_K, I mean Allen), that makes me someone that no one should ever listen to.
Funny thing, I have a lot of perspective to offer. And, I am in the middle of really healing the relationship with my XH. Every once in awhile, if something really resonates with me, I stick my neck out again.
I did it here because I remember how I, too, was paralysed by the conflicting advice. Finally, JTB got ahold of me and made me see that being a good person and being nice was never going to hurt matters, that I just had to make sure that I set and kept certain boundaries. I guess I didn't understand at the time that you can set boundaries with love. All the ones I had set at that point were out of hurt and anger (no wonder they didn't work!)
I am sure you can go all the way back and read my old threads. Just please understand that I have come a long way in my life, and would never ever repeat the mistakes of the past.
I know that not one size fits all; I am only sharing what worked for me. And yes, after many false starts and mix-ups, it is working. And I will say a prayer of thanks when my whole family (yep, XH too) is around the table in four more days.
Well, I beleive being strong without being unkind or being an a$$ is the best way for me to move forward, with or without H coming around.
I know some would call this soft.
But I did 10 months of ranting and raging in WH's face, and apart from turning him off me completely, I could not beleive what I was allowing HIS ACTIONS turn me into!
I cannot let him have that power over me...
Not because I am being soft
Becauase I want to have self-respect and get anger out of my heart because it's hurting me and hurt me for too long being the 'victim' in all this.
This seriously just brought tears to my eyes.
This is not being soft.
It is being true to who you are.
When it is not a strategy, and not being done for "results," that is when you really begin to heal.
I am really happy for you.
Be true to yourself, Piano! Only YOU know what is best for YOU.
You are getting some very good advice from Grit and CNMN.
IMO, at the end of the day you must decide ONE thing.
How does Piano want to live her life.
Does she want to hold on to anger and resenment and try to control things that are outside of her control OR
Does she want to live a life of peace and love. Not a doormat - no a life with healthy boundaries and healthy R's.
Everything and I mean everything in our life is a CHOICE we make.
You choose to love, you choose to forgive, you choose to stay angry, you choose to listen to others, you choose to be happy, you choose to be sad, you choose to stay depressed, you choose to be a good parent, you choose to let go, you choose to allow people the freedom to be what THEY want to be and you also choose to be what YOU want to be.
Choices....Piano,
Everything is a choice.
I have not doubt that you will choose what is best for you and that precious little girl that you have.
May God Bless you, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
