How do I deal with now he's overseas?

[ericmsant2]

Piano,

I think our little girls will understand what we went through. When the time comes, we will talk about it. When they are older.

Remember this….what YOU do NOW will impact YOUR future.

My Dad left us, and I love him and need him. He's helping me through my own sitch now.

Proof of what I said up there ^^^^

Both parents are needed.[./quote]
Yep – just remember who YOU can control and SPEND no time trying to control someone who right now does not want to be controlled.


[quote] give me so much to think about, and comfort too. Thank you.

Your welcome….remember to pay it forward.

Codependent No More are what I'm reading at the moment.

Excellent read!

I cannot believe your own Dad left 20 bucks on the table - that's about as inadequate as it gets.

In all things in life it is how WE deal with it that matters. I could CHOOSE to be a victim OR CHOOSE not to – either way…cool thing is that it is MY CHOICE.

You were only 23 when your first child was born? Well, 23 is so young... you had an excuse, and you are making up for it.

Yes you are right, 23 is young. “excuse”…Yes I lived my life that way for a long time….very long. Matter of fact it is one of the reason that my M went down the chitter (MLC craziness aside). Please remember one thing…”excuses”, “justification”, “reasons”, etc. ALL can be used to keep us from looking inside and accepting what is. Piano, take this time that you have and learn YOU and I mean really learn you (even those crappy parts that we all have). Try as best as you can to never give yourself and “Out” from becoming what you have always wanted to be. Let me give you an example: I can sit here and tell you that W is banging her supervisor and that by viture of HER ACTIONS I am justified in throwing her as* out. I could also sit herd and play the victim and say to myself “whoa is me”. Which one aligns with who I have become? Neither. I have said before that I am just living my life the best way I can. My choices are NOW made from a place of peace, love and compassion with the goal to continue to become the best man I can be. Not for HER – nope – for ME and my kids. So, whatever you do, file, try to reconcile, stand, choose not to stand – MAKE SURE that you are doing what YOU feel keeps you true to who YOU really are. When you do this…..that “internal happiness” will be felt like never before. Why? Cause you will have found yourself!

My H is 40. He has a lot of work to do. He is trying to do better that his own father. I guess that's how it often starts out...

I have often heard that people cannot change. I totally disagree. Having said this, YOUR H may come around on of these days. You though Piano should be busy living your life, enjoying it, having fun, enjoying the little bundle of joy that will grow up faster than you can imagine. Never give up on your H as a “person” or “human being” – At the same time, do not stop and wait. Cool thing about all of this…..is that one day you will really understand that everything, your life, your M..everything in your life is a CHOICE that you make.

I will open doors, but only in so much that it doesn't hurt me.

Very good move! AKA….detach lovingly. YOUR D will need your emotional health, which if impacted by YOUR H’s actions are not good for you or her.

To begin with, I might only open it up a crack, then a bit more as I get stronger.

Go at a pace that YOU feel comfortable with. F*ck how your H feels right now. Make this about YOU FIRST.

God Bless,
Eric

[Piano]

Thanks again Eric. You leave me again with plenty to think about.

I am going to protect myself so I can be the rock for my D.

I am a slow learner. This is all new to me. Boundaries, who I AM, etc, etc.

I know I have values, but they seem theoretical and not so easy to apply to my own sitch.

I am quite overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

Well, not true. I know to protect myself and enjoy my baby,
but dealing with H is just really hard.

I could go so many ways.

The two major routes are:
1. cut him off
2. work with him.

#1 seems vindictive

#2 seems right.

Yet you need boundaries in place in order to do # 2 "safely".

I have a nagging question tonight...

When H dropped the bomb I was in total shock. Didn't see it coming. Sure, I can see some signs now, but he never said a thing. All actions were pointing towards building our future - we were making a baby - not tearing it down.

If my H was unhappy for some time, unhappy enough to stray, why didn't he feel he could talk to me?

What was it about me that stopped him from opening his mouth and saying, "Piano, I am not happy...."?

How far do I need to go searching for this answer?

Maybe not too far. I know I often talked over him, I dominated conversation. I was a planner, he lived by the day - maybe he thought I was 'controlling' or didn't leave him the space to be him.

I am prepared to own this.

But then what about the baby stuff?

We find out I am pregnant after treatment, two weeks later I relocate to the other side of the world to set up our lives here, and two weeks after that he starts an A with our family friend and doesn't tell her until the 3rd f*** that I am pregnant. 3 months later he arrives here for Xmas, and drops bomb. ILYBINILWY, "I never want to live with you again", "I have no hope for us", "I'm in love", "I have a right to be happy too". etc etc.

Was it the pregnancy news that pushed him over the edge? That gave him a nudge? Was it the final step for him?

He must have felt so trapped, and the A seemed like the best escape route.

Still to this day my H says "it is not the time nor the place" to discuss what happened to us.

But now I am rambling, and have lost track.

It's about HIM again. Not ME.

So much harder to look at ourselves.

[Piano]

I also believe people can change, Eric. But they work to their own timelines, right?

[Mach1]

I also believe people can change, Eric. But they work to their own timelines, right?

Absolutely....

People can change, it happens all the time.

Most people aren't against changing at all, they are against change that they are forced in to...

Say you had a store that sold....Tutu's

Tutu sales have been spiking for the past few months...

As a shop owner, you know you need to change, to accommodate your business..I.E. extending your hours of operation.

You would not be opposed to that...

However, forcing your employee to come in earlier, and stay later....

They would be opposed to that...

That is why it is so important to move forward ( not move on) for yourself...

So much harder to look at ourselves.

And so worth it....

[ericmsant2]

Piano

I am a slow learner. This is all new to me.

Everyone learns at a pace that is comfortable for them, so please cut yourself some slack. FTR, many of us are still learning.

How far do I need to go searching for this answer?

Sometimes Piano we may never actually get the answer from our batchit crazy spouses. The only answer that we need to focus in IMHO, is…

1) Why have we tied our own happiness to someone else?
2) Why does FEAR cause us to do thing that we know are unhealthy?
3) What do we really want in our life that we can control?
4) Why do we tend to be codependent on other people?
5) What role did our childhood play in some of our behaviors?
6) What kind of parents do we want to be?
7) What really makes us happy?
8) Etc.

I guess my point is that we should focus our energies and thoughts on ourselves and our lives.

I am prepared to own this.

Own YOUR piece not his

So much harder to look at ourselves

OMG! Yes it is. Here ^^^ is where we truly find and accept ourselves. It is soooo not easy to do this. Think about it for a sec…how many times do we lie to ourselves? How many times have we done something that we really did not want to do? How many times did we wear a mask? How many time were we afraid to be OURSELFs? Yes, Piano, the internal searching/digging is tough. The rewards thought are wonderful. It is truly unfortunate that it takes a crisis to move us into this direction BUT man is it worth it.

Piano, if you really begin to look inside you may find things about yourself that really hurt. Things that you will not want to really look at. FACE’em! You will never be the same, once you do.

As for your H, let him go and leave him in God’s hands for know. Nothing you do can make him change. Nothing. Nothing you do can make him do something that he does not want to do. What you can do is by your actions….show him what “love” really is. Love of yourself, love of others, tough love, true love.

Hey Mach – nice tutu comment

God Bless,
Eric

[dbmod]

OMG! Yes it is. Here ^^^ is where we truly find and accept ourselves. It is soooo not easy to do this. Think about it for a sec…how many times do we lie to ourselves? How many times have we done something that we really did not want to do? How many times did we wear a mask? How many time were we afraid to be OURSELFs? Yes, Piano, the internal searching/digging is tough. The rewards thought are wonderful. It is truly unfortunate that it takes a crisis to move us into this direction BUT man is it worth it.

Piano, if you really begin to look inside you may find things about yourself that really hurt. Things that you will not want to really look at. FACE’em! You will never be the same, once you do.



This is good advice.

[dbmod]

People DO change ALL the time, though.

What you can do is by your actions….show him what “love” really is.

You can do that by focusing on yourself, encouraging his relationship with your child, and show him (pictures) the fun he is missing out on. This OW will most likely get old/boring fairly quickly. You, on the other hand, have excitement going on.

Keep in the 'present'.

[newmama]

Piano, I want to believe what Dmod told you but don't put all of your eggs in one basket. I didn't, thankfully, although I was more convinced that he would leave her and not divorce me than what really happened.

Now something interesting- I saw that you said you dominated conversation, was the planner,talked over him. Guess who was similar? Yep. Moi. And the single mom I met up with today (for the 2nd time) was cheated on and left for the OW (after the baby was born).She was/is a take charge,independent kinda gal, too!

???

I totally understand wanting answers. I liked Eric's warning that we may never be able to understand WHY our spouses did what they did and it will drive us crazy. I know I am in a good place right now where I owned my mistakes and recognized his mistakes and I no longer feel like I caused his affair! Are you there yet?

[ericmsant2]

I know I am in a good place right now where I owned my mistakes and recognized his mistakes and I no longer feel like I caused his affair!

BINGO!

Fu*king A newmamaa!

Piano, you own your issues and look inside and KILL the ones THAT YOU do not like. Not the ones that HE does not like.

Why would you want to change things about yourself that you like to be with someone? What does that say about YOU.

Your strong - don't be afraid to feel it and accept it. Your smart - don't be afraid to accept it. You are the type of person that loves deeply (otherwise you would not be here)...don't change that.

You say that you were a planner - is that all bad? Fu*k no. Do not put yourself down because your H has issues that he is unwilling to look at and deal with. Personally, I say pat yourself on the back for all of the work you are trying to do, and FTR, succeeding in doing.

Be proud of yourself Piano. Be proud.

God Bless,
Eric

[Piano]

Thank God for you people.

What you can do is by your actions….show him what “love” really is. Love of yourself, love of others, tough love, true love.

YES! I want to do this.

I still have much, much learning to do...

I am learning to love myself and be my new best friend

I am learning to love and accept others as they are and not try to 'change' them or have them agree with me.

"True love". Well! Funny you should write this. My H says he has found "true love". Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't, but there is nothing loving about walking away from your pregnant wife and baby.

I think true love is standing by your wife and baby even when you don't FEEL like doing it.