Moving Forward

[flowmom]

GW, hugs to you. It's good that you can be real with us, and yourself about how you are truly coping with this. Again, be kind to yourself. You are doing your best, and that is enough.

[gutwrenching]

Not at all looking good. More details when I can. She came back home, wanted to talk, and sure enough, her and OM had been talking the whole trip and we both told her the same thing. Enough of this already.
She is truly addicted.
She is also getting more and more conflicted by the moment.
It started with her seeming pretty set in she wanted to be with him and I said then move out within 2 weeks
But the end of the conversation is can we give this a night to consider and talk tomorrow
After an evening with kids, she says to me it was nice in this house being happy...(we moved into this house when we started piecing...vice the misery of our last place/situation)

This sucks

[flowmom]

Oh gutwrenching, I guess your gut was telling you what was going on .

Addiction is so ugly...I am sorry that it is affecting your W, you and your family this way.

I hope that you can separate what is about your marriage, and what is just about her in this situation. A wise teacher talks about "my business, your business, and God's business". Now, more than ever, you need to get really clear on what is what in your life, because your business is going to be more than enough of a challenge right now, and tackling her business and God's business will just undermine you. Be strong and know that we are with you in spirit.

(((hugs)))

[evolve35]

Gdub, I am so sorry to hear about the evening.

Sleeping on it sounds like a really good idea. When times are tough and we (spouses) are apart from each other, I swear it makes the brain do gymnastics. I, for one, would find intimacy really challenging after we had been apart. I am not talking about sex, just closeness/connection. If I put myself in her position, I suspect I would be feeling scared. What is your W's LL?

Depending on how things go in the next couple of days, is there any way you two can move up the date on Retrouvaille?

[sandi2]

and sure enough, her and OM had been talking the whole trip and we both told her the same thing

Sounds as if OM is getting tired of the game. He's lost his M/family b/c of the A. I don't know who made the contact first, but if she reached out to him, he probably is ready for an end to it....one way or the other. She chose you & the girls over him, the last time....and I would think he is not thrilled about that. Their "reunion" may not have been that rosey.

I think her backslide puts her back to square one and all that withdrawal pain will have to be experienced again.

How did you find out they had been in contact? Did you ask or did she volunteer the information?

[gutwrenching]

She told me we needed to talk. That's how I found out...though I was sensing it already. Not sure who initiated...he had sent those couple of emails, and I suspect she then reached out.

OM's W doesn't even know of the affair...but he has told her he wants a D.

OM is tired of game. W asked me if OM had emailed me...I gave an odd look...he was threatening to email me to tell me that we would never ever hear from him or about him again because he was tired of all this.

Not sure about withdrawl pain...right now she seems to be leaning towards leaving to pursue this long-distances EA with OM.

Pisses me off, scares me some, whole range of emotions. Financially it would be crushing...we are committed and in-deep right now financially...it is just amazing.

She is slightly on the fence.

i don't really know exactly what to do now

She says she loves me and she told me that she "loves all of the changes I have made" but she keeps on thinking about OM. And that isn't fair to her or me.

[gutwrenching]

I might not have made this point clear...this isn't about piecing anymore. She wants OM again, she thinks. She isn't sure. I said ok, I will start splitting up assets and opening new checking accounts tonight. She said no, lets give it a day, lets talk again tomorrow night. I said I could give her a little time but not a ton. If she wanted OM, she could find an apartment somewhere to do it in. I also told her no coverups this time. Friends, family, co-workers...they will know...I won't pretend to be married and I'm not going to lie about what happened.

She is a wreck. I don't understand why she can't see what this does to her. She said she hasn't slept well all week, her balance is off, she looks just worn down completely. When she gets into thr throws with him, she becomes physically ill.

There is a big part of me that wants to email OM. Ask him if this is really worth risking his career over and does he have any idea how ill and miserable this actually makes my W...

[flowmom]

I might not have made this point clear...this isn't about piecing anymore.

I am so sorry that you are finding yourself back there.

She wants OM again, she thinks. She isn't sure. I said ok, I will start splitting up assets and opening new checking accounts tonight. She said no, lets give it a day, lets talk again tomorrow night. I said I could give her a little time but not a ton. If she wanted OM, she could find an apartment somewhere to do it in. I also told her no coverups this time. Friends, family, co-workers...they will know...I won't pretend to be married and I'm not going to lie about what happened.

Good for you GW. That is showing DIRECTION...you need to manifest that for yourself so that you can be right within yourself as a man.

She is a wreck. I don't understand why she can't see what this does to her. She said she hasn't slept well all week, her balance is off, she looks just worn down completely. When she gets into thr throws with him, she becomes physically ill.

She is in a personal crisis, and the OM is simply a symptom of that, and a way of coping with her inner angst. If she lets go of the OM, she will still have to deal with all of that because it's about what's going on inside her and her relationship with herself.

There is a big part of me that wants to email OM. Ask him if this is really worth risking his career over and does he have any idea how ill and miserable this actually makes my W...

Please take your focus off the OM. This really isn't about him. If OM really did withdraw, it could make him even more attractive to your W...this really isn't something that you can control and engaging with him puts you in a supplicating role, not in the Man with a Direction role that you need to take right now.

(((hugs)))

[sandi2]

She will see a different LBH this go-around from the last time. I think she'll see very quickly that you will have a totally different game plan.

There is a big part of me that wants to email OM. Ask him if this is really worth risking his career over and does he have any idea how ill and miserable this actually makes my W...

I think most men have that feeling, but you know it would not change anything for the good of your M. If OM has a pea size brain, he's surely thought about the fall-out.

I am so sorry b/c I had hoped that she would have enough military to be more disciplined than to go back into the pit she came out of.

[FindingMyVoice]

(((GW)))