M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
The 48-hour rule is to wait 48 hours before you react.
The problem with setting boundaries is using it as your DB game plan. In general, it doesn't work, especially alone. It can't be your focus or your main skill. It is more likely to backfire, especially if you aren't the favored option for your spouse.
This does not mean you should never set a boundary. But the boundary/consequence shouldn't be all or nothing. And it is the AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique. It is the LAST option.
Many folks use the wrong 180s. They think a 180 is good just because it's a 180. That may not be where you are at...but it may be.
Here's a test: What was so attractive about you to your spouse when you first fell in love....that is so different now? How does your spouse WANT to see himself?
What can you do....to fill those image gaps for your spouse...that is...blow his current stereotype of you?
I think the best advice you were given was from RobX, Coach and Pearlhabr.
My situation changed when I decided to start GAL on my own, I joined a meetup.com to get out and meet new friends. My W took one look and said "there are women there who will pursue you". She ended up joining and coming with me. Bear in mind she refused to even go out on a dat with me before.
See, in her mind it was fine for her to go out and move on, live the fun single life but when she saw that's what I would do, well she have that couldn't have that could she?
Do what I did, no one's telling you to go out and get drunk or laid, but join a meetup, dress up nicely, go out on some girls nights to clubs. Trust me, from my point of view (as a red blooded male) this would get me really get me curious. Get him to look after the kids also.
Evens he will come running back to you, even if he doesn't your putting yourself in a position to move on anyway.
I have read all of your threads and I do agree that you were getting good advice from Coach. However, you may still be too early in this to actually be able to apply that advice.
You said a few times that you believe your H may be having a MLC.
If that is the case, then you will be in this for the long haul and Coach's advice will NOT be effective in the way that you want it to be. However MLC or not is not a call someone else can make for you.
If I had to chose, I would take the advice of a DB coach first...
Unless you really cannot be in the same house with him.
Lovingly detatch, go about your business and don't worry about him going about his (even though you may want to scratch his eyes out).
Be the best mom you can be to the kids. They will get their strength from you. You have to have it first though.
Use your anger, like a shield not a sword.
The less you focus on him and the more you focus on yourself, the better you will feel and the more objectivly you can look at this entire situation.
Fear is not your friend in this. Fear will keep you stuck and it will make you do things that you do not want to do.
Snooping is a no no. For several reasons. You can see things that you are not ready to see and then feel you have to deal with it immediately. You can actually become addicted to it and addictions are hard things to break.
There was some talk about transparency on one of your other threads. Transparency is wonderful and necessary if you BOTH begin to work on the M. And it can be a useful tool to rebuild trust. Otherwise, it is simply a means to control and to snoop without calling it snooping.
In my R, we are transparent. We each have passwords to the others stuff. I know that I have never used them with out permission. I don't believe that he has either. To do so, would be a violation of the trust that we have for each other.
Unfortunately, there is no do A and get B results with this.
It is a matter of trial and error sometimes. There are two people involved in this R and two people directing the outcome of it.
Have you ever tried to tell your kids to eat their lima beans and the refused. So you kept reserving them the lima beans at each meal until they eat them? And they kept refusing, and it was a battle of wills?
That is what an ultimatium, can be like. A battle of wills. Who has the stronger will to coerce the other to comply...
A boundary, is less about getting another person to comply with your will, whether they want to or not, and more about setting up rules for yourself about how you will allow other people to treat you...
They can continue to treat you badly and then you have to decide if that is good for you or not...
And you should not be afraid of the outcome of someone not following a boundary...because then you will NOT feel good enforcing it...
For me, my boundaries are small. Otherwise I find that I cannot enforce them. The small ones, are pretty easy and they don't involve allowing someone to be a part of my life or not (in most cases). They do, however, dictate for me, how I will allow someone to treat me.
A perfect example would be my son. He is 16 and has always had the run of the house. Until I got tired of him simply walking into my bedroom without waiting to be invited. Now he has to knock on the door, wait for me to ask him in, and leave when I ask him to. When he doesn't, I refuse to speak to him, so we can sit there in silence for long periods of time sometimes. When he does, I will welcome him in to watch TV, play XBOX, or just sit and chat. Because that is MY space, MY sanctuary, not the common space of the household...
Take your time, let's try to get you on more solid emotional ground before you go filing for D...
This didn't happen in one day, and it won't be resolved that quickly either...
(((hugs)))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wow. Rob, DB Moderator and Cat -Thank you all for your wonderful responses and taking the time to consider my situation. I really, really appreciate it. I learned SO much from this last incident. Once my anger cooled, I realized what I had done was very counterproductive. Indeed, I was not ready to back up my ultimatum. And what I did instead was push H closer to his ex wife- he admitted to having seen her for the first time in awhile after I asked him to leave for the night. If I had known about the 48 hour rule, I could have avoided the incredible mess this became - bad feelings now between MIL and myself, H telling me he was going to go talk to my dad before Thanksgiving (which actually would be a healing thing for both of them) but decided not to after I told him I was going to divorce him, etc. I struggle because the few people I have shared this situation with (friends/family) tell me the only way I am going to "get him back" is to kick him out. The belief is that H sees me as being weak - that he is in control. I don't know which way to go, really. Does distance truly ever make the heart grow fonder?
We were able to talk as friends for the first time in a long while. He explained that when I bring her up, he feels as if I'm pushing him to be with her. He feels I am pressuring him constantly - he basically said I am doing all the things DR says not to do - and he hasn't even read the book.
My best option - when if/when it is time to ask him to leave is to not do it in anger and to not do it in a reactive mode.
And the snooping thing - geez. Yes - it is an addiction and it just cuts me up every time. I HAVE to stop doing it. I have to stop putting energy into him and his R with his ex-wife. Start putting it into myself.
H admitted to me that he had been waiting for me to tell him I would D him - that he was confident he would feel relief about this once I made the decision for him (as he is unable to do it himself) but that when he heard the words come out of my mouth, he realized he didn't feel relief at all.
The way I left it was that I wanted us to be good to each other during the holidays and enjoy this time with our kids as it might be our last opportunity. I do think I was a bit inconsistent because I said this while at the same time telling him I was committed to our marriage.
I did not go back on my feelings about him living two lives and shared that I would reassess after the holidays. He will probably do the same, although I know he likes the creature comforts of home - he didn't even last 3 weeks away from home last time and ex wife was in the picture then as well.
He now knows I have chosen a lawyer but that I have not retained her. I had kept this information from him. He asked if I wanted to know if/when he consulted with a lawyer. I told him I had no need to know - that he could share if he wanted or keep it to himself. It was obvious to me that he was surprised at my response - I think he was trying to scare me or call my bluff. Not sure.
GAL - I don't know why this is so hard for me to implement. I already go out with friends, attend a weekly support group, go places alone with the kids. I always make sure I look my best. I suspect I would be more attractive to him if I went back to work, but it's not time for that. I actually am concerned about getting a job now because if he does D me, it would be to my benefit to not be working.
Anyway- I feel a bit like a fool for setting what I now see was an unenforceable boundary and going back on it. Sigh.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Quick question about GAL - My family is having Thanksgiving at their home and H chooses not to go and actually was not invited (he doesn't know this - thinks he was invited - just haven't had the heart to tell him). He encouraged me to take the kids and go. I told him I wasn't comfortable keeping the kids away from him that day. He said he would just be watching football all day anyway. I initially thought perhaps he was going to be with ex wife but see now that is not the case. H and I started dated on Thanskgiving 11 years ago so I've always looked forward to this holiday . Anyway - in terms of being a good DB'r, should I take the kids to see my family or stay here with H??
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Take your kids to Thanksgiving with the family. Your H is a grown man and he made a decision. If he wants to throw his own pity party, that's his choice.
Make it a fun one with your kids. They deserve to enjoy the holiday with upbeat and happy people. They don't need to sit around the house and see your H acting sad.
I also have a feeling that if you stayed with him, he's going to start getting nitpicky and when you start getting upset, he'll say "see I told you to go". That's the way they are.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If you want to go and will enjoy yourself, then go.
There is the key. Enjoy yourself, whatever you do. Enjoy your children. They are only young once.
Don't worry about the boundary. Today is a new day and you can do things different now. Because you know better than to say something without really thinking it out first.
GAL isn't all about "get out of the house." It is about taking care of yourself, pursuing hobbies that you used to do, or still do once in a while, or something you have always wanted to try.
Reading, sewing, meditation, anything that is for you and makes you happy. Because the more you nourish yourself, the happier you will become. And the better you will look to all people around you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
. Anyway - in terms of being a good DB'r, should I take the kids to see my family or stay here with H??