How do I deal with now he's overseas?

[ericmsant2]

Piano,

You asked me to stop by and so here I am . You seem to be getting some very good advice and I would suggest that you stay the course i.e. work on you, focus on you, stay in the present, etc.

I do not think I have much more to add but I will try.

First, I noticed that you keep saying that you are the worse DBer ever. FTR, I have to believe that honor belongs to me . Seriously though, IMO, the fact that you continue to focus on what YOU perceive as YOUR shortcomings is something that I think you need to look at. Why do you continue to do this?

I suspect that deep down inside you are still blaming yourself for the demise of the M. And although I am a big believer in owning your piece of it, taking full responsibility for HIS actions is a sign of codependency.

Look, you were pregnant and your H left. In my book that make him a f*cking coward. Sorry to be so blunt. As Robx pointed out, while you were pregnant your emotions and hormones were all over the place. So anything you said or did does not count.

You did not put a gun to your H's head and tell him to leave. He freaked out for reason that honestly only he knows. The fact that he left falls on his shoulders not yours. You tried to DB and although you think you did not do a good job, IMO, you did. Why?

Cause your still here trying to work on you, your still here trying to figure out how to save your M. So my hats off to you. I actually think you are one hell of a dber. Many will fall short in the first few months.

So Piano, how about you drop the "I'm not a good dber" stuff and keep focusing on what you need to focus on for YOU and YOUR daughter. As for you H, the day will come when he may wake up and realize the consequences of his actions. So, when he does, what will he find? Who will Piano be when you does come around?

My prayer is that when he does come around, what he will find is a very strong, smart, loving, sexy women who has a beautiful daughter and has become so confident in her abilities that she just may intimidate him. Why intimidate him?

Cause she finally realized that SHE DECIDES what is best for her and her D.

Keep focused forward. Plan what you need to plan. Let him go. Cut off all contact. IF he wants to see his little girl, well then he can make the arrangements to come visit her.

You and your daughter are worth more than an email!

I know that....question is...do YOU.

God Bless,
Eric

[Piano]

Eric, thanks for taking the time!

Seriously though, IMO, the fact that you continue to focus on what YOU perceive as YOUR shortcomings is something that I think you need to look at. Why do you continue to do this?

I think this is a good question.

I do feel guilty.

I have a self esteem problem,

And probably a codependency one.

As for you H, the day will come when he may wake up and realize the consequences of his actions. So, when he does, what will he find? Who will Piano be when you does come around?

She will be strong. Unphased. A great mother. In control of her temper. She will not be a good listener, and not have to prove a point. She will feel the fear and do it anyway.

Some of the things I am aiming for.

Keep focused forward. Plan what you need to plan. Let him go. Cut off all contact. IF he wants to see his little girl, well then he can make the arrangements to come visit her.

You and your daughter are worth more than an email!

I am surprised you agree with cutting him off. I am so scared my daughter will blame me one day for not sending news to him about her when he asked. Don't I have to be careful I am not being vindictive? When does compassion enter into it?

[lostandconfused6]

Piano-
I understand how you feel about your daughter. I am not in a completely similar situation, but I have just started no contact. He did not contact me yesterday to make plans for when he would see his son today. So i finally contacted him first. And then i felt bad that i did that. Also, it is going to be so hard for me when he is with my son not to have contact. I want to know what is going on. I want to know the moments in my son's life that i am missing out on.

[ericmsant2]

Piano

Is YOU job to fix or better yet, push the R between your D and her father? I believe not. Is it normal for you, a mother, to want that R to blossom? Yep. I believe that this is your first child so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. My heart goes out to you.

Piano, when my first son was born (I have 3 kids), I was 23 and ill equipped to deal with fatherhood (FTR, my dad left 20 bucks on the table when I was born - I have never laid eyes on the man). So being ill equiped I ran. Ran into a deep depression and drugs. 1 year later I was clean and began to form a R with my oldest. Needless to say we have a working R now. However, everything my W did to try and push my son towards me FAILED. I was not ready and it took a year for me to become ready.

Some of the actions you may want to take will be percieved as pushing to your husband. Others will appear controlling to him. Bottom line is that your H HAS to make the effort - not you. I am not saying that you should keep your D away from his dad- no. However I am saying that your H MUST pursue forming and growing that R.

IF you feel very strongly about trying to ensure that YOU can look into your daughters eyes and say that you did everything you could to keep her dad in her life then I suggest that you do write him and send him pictures of his D. Another option would be to set up a web page with pictures of your D and send him the link so that he can view them. You can tell him that you will update the page as often as you can. This will eliminate the need for him to speak to you. I would also remind him for the last time that he should make an effort to see his daughter with some degree of frequency. Then Piano - let go. And I mean really let his as* go!

I do feel guilty.

I can tell you not to BUT your going to anyway. So instead I'll tell you this...be guilty for YOUR role in the breakup BUT DO NOT take the blame for all of this. You own your piece your H owns his it is that simple.

You should NOT feel guilty about..
You Daughter
The fact that your batchit crazy as*hole H left for another country
Being YOU
For any of your past mistakes. We all make them.
For any DB mishaps you have made. FTR, every sitch is different and none of this comes easy in the "beginning" with beginning being defined as the first 5 years of dbing.

I have a self esteem problem,

Okay many people will say this. I would ask that you dig a little deeper and answer WHY.

Do u think your not smart enough? If so, smart enough for WHO?
Do you think your not pretty enough? If so, the pretty enough for WHO and why would you feel this way?
Do you think your not "deep" enough? If so, define deep?
Do you feel your unlovable? Then why and also define what loves means to you.
Do you think your not daring enough?

I can go on and on Piano BUT my point is that once YOU really get to know WHO YOU ARE - none of what anyone else feels or projects towards you will matter. Let me give you an example:

I was always concerned that people did not like my emotional side. So I hid it and really lived my life wearing various masks. In short, no one ever really knew me. As I have become comfortable in my own skin, I no longer wear the mask and finally got to a place where I can embrace my emotional side. And for those who do not like it or try to make ME feel bad for being the way that I am. To those I say....go f*ck yourself. Love me for who I am and the way that I am.

Piano - learn to love YOURSELF. No one should need to change you. Not friends, not your H and not another man! Learn to accept that you are wonderful just the way you are. Feel it. Embrace all of you, your goodness, your heart, your passion - fu*k even some of your qwirks. Embrace it all Piano. Know this, there will come a time that a TRUE man will come knocking cause he will see and LOVE the real YOU just the way you are. That man could be YOUR H. Funny thing ...YOU DECIDE if ya want "him" whoever the hell him ends up being.

And probably a codependency one

Your codependancy is driving your self esteem. Please pick up code pendant no more. A great book that can be used with the DB books, which I trust you have read.

So a quick lesson on how you can easily learn to beat the codependancy issues....learn ONE important word...

NO

Yep, learn to say no. No I do not feel like doing that. No I am not going to send John Smith a christmnas card cause he will never send me one back. No I am NO longer going to allow my H to control what I do in my life.

Just say No Piano.

God Bless,
Eric

[dbmod]

Piano,

It is ok to encourage your H to have this relationship with your daughter. These are emotional things to navigate for the both of you. Many men who are not encouraged are 'outta site, outta mind'....encouraging and keeping the doors open....letting him feel welcome without laying on the guilt is good for their relationship....and that is the best thing for your daughter....and for you.

Nurture the relationship, don't hinder it.

[newmama]

Hey, I was totally going to recommend that you let your H see an FB page! You can have one in your daughter's name or something if you dont' want him to have access to yours. Glad to see someone else had a similar thought. (aka Eric)

I was thinking about your dilemma of whether you should try to show your daughter that you never blocked her dad from her and tried to foster the relationship.I will say that even if he was still in the country and having shared visits, you would have to deal with him. Pretty much, he is her parent and as long as you think he is safe enough for her to be around, then you kind of have to put up with him and let him have access to her.
Be careful of "parental alienation." (not that you are doing that but blocking him from her life might be interpreted as that)

[Piano]

Just popping in quickly.

I already have one child, and don't want to treat my H like another. He only has to do a quick Google search to see a myriad of ways to interact long distance with a child (all inadequate, granted, but they're there for what they are worth). I don't think I will EVER respect H again unless he motivates himself to do this on his own. Yes I have to not block him, but updating a wesbite dedicated to my child already is very proactive and a chore as I would not do it under normal circumstances.

What does he have to get off his lazy butt to do?

Nothing.

[ericmsant2]

Piano,

Separate what YOUR H wants from what YOU want.

but updating a wesbite dedicated to my child already is very proactive and a chore as I would not do it under normal circumstances

I have had to do a lot of things from my kids that I think are "chores". My job as a parent is to give them the best life I can. Regardless of how I feel about my W. She is there mother and should be a part of my kids lives. So if it cost me a little more time BUT puts a smile on my kids face. It is worth it.

The man that I have become will not allow my anger to dictate my life or my choices.

I don't think I will EVER respect H again unless he motivates himself to do this on his own.

Your ability to respect him has nothing to do with YOUR childs need to have her father in her life IF her father chooses to be.

Let go of the anger Piano and maybe things will look a little differnt. Oh, and FTR, you do have EVERY right to be pissed the f*ck off. Just make sure your daughter does not reap the fall out of this anger. Use it to protect YOU emotionally not to punish him or anyone else.

Just sayin...

God Bless,
Eric

[gatsby11]

Hey P,

Lots of interesting thoughts on here.

Agree with you-- your WH could do a plethora of things to grow up. Yup! So could mine, ay yi yi!

A FB page/website for bub may not be your thing, but I kinda like it for me, actually...

I met with my lawyer today to hammer out some things. I have all these grand ideas for my divorce ("He will never introduce her to girlfriends without my permission" and "We will live, hopefully, far apart, and he will see her once a year" etc etc.) And the lawyer keeps reminding me that the courts are pretty balanced and that I need to make my divorce enforceable. (I could throw some things in there that are hard to enforce, but then if SBTXH breaks them or if he takes me to court to contest... I won't really win!)

All this to say... my advice is to give him access to bub. If you're emailing him back, maybe cc some other family members to make it less personal. I don't know.

We have to do the hardest freaking thing-- act like things are "okay" with these men we love who have hurt us so deeply. But they can know it's not "okay" by us just staying extremely impersonal.

Someday hopefully our daughters will understand our sacrifice.

[Piano]

Gatsby, it's so good to have you back. I think our little girls will understand what we went through. When the time comes, we will talk about it. When they are older.

I agree, some interesting new voices here... I have been popping my head over to MLC and I really like the attitude there. Some deep thinkers at work.

Newmama - parental alienation is something I would never want to happen to my baby. She will want to know her father, she will love in in spite of what he did to us. It's nature. I've been there. My Dad left us, and I love him and need him. He's helping me through my own sitch now. Both parents are needed.


Eric, your posts are awesome and give me so much to think about, and comfort too. Thank you.

Yes, I've read the DB books (been here 10 months, alas) and Codependent No More and Boundaries are what I'm reading at the moment. Loving the Boundaries book.

I cannot believe your own Dad left 20 bucks on the table - that's about as inadequate as it gets. You were only 23 when your first child was born? Well, 23 is so young... you had an excuse, and you are making up for it.

My H is 40. He has a lot of work to do. He is trying to do better that his own father. I guess that's how it often starts out...

Anyway, thankyou for reminding me that it is my H's job to nurture the relationship. I will open doors, but only in so much that it doesn't hurt me. To begin with, I might only open it up a crack, then a bit more as I get stronger.

NO is an underrated word. We're always being told to say YES to things, but that leaves us so often running on empty.

I'm not adverse to the FB idea. Are there other sites out there that are less well known but do a similar thing? Wouldn't mind shopping around.