Only you know when you are done and far be it for me to tell you otherwise. IMO, you have done more than most of us could ever have. Many of us have learned from watching you.
For me personally, you were an inspiration and someone who I will forever be grateful for knowing you.
My hope and prayer for you is that all of your dreams come true. May God bless you in whatever it is that you decide to do.
I leave you with this....
That door that you are closing right now, can be reopened - and as you know YOU get decide if it ever opens again.
God Bless you my friend and hopefully we can connect when I get my as* down to see our mutual friend, whom I call Lord of the Rings
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
God Bless you my friend and hopefully we can connect when I get my as* down to see our mutual friend, whom I call Lord of the Rings
The castle is open and ready to receive guests!!
Lost, I write this not so much to you but to those who lurk, or stop by, never register, whoever...there are so many more reading these words than we realize.
We all come here looking to save our marriages.....EVERYONE, so that tells me that most people take that very first emotional step in rising above the crap that their spouses may be hurling at them, to try to save their marriages and families.
Those that stick with find that over TIME, DBing is about saving yourself in order to save your marriage. If you don't fix yourself and grow as an individual how can you be a partner in a committed, equally yoked marriage?
This journey all becomes something far different from what we think is when we start. When you have come far enough in your journey and stop for a rest and you look back over your shoulder to see how far you've come you realize how much you have grown.
Funny thing is when you turn back around at this point and start moving on your journey again(BTW the journey is never over) the really big surprise hits you, it did for me recently.......
All this time you were traveling to a different destination than you originally intended. All this time you had your eyes fixed on this destination and you were making steps towards it, or so you thought.......
Mach, said this to me not too long ago...... I was on a trip from NY to LA and thought I was further along than I actually was.....
Well after stopping for a rest and getting started on the journey again, I now realize I am not even going to LA, I'm going somewhere else, not sure of the final destination but the scenery is getting better and better along the way.
Lost I hope the scenery is getting better, the road may be bumpy right now but when you look around I am sure you will like what you see.
Cheers
~C
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Been a few good days for me Got out Friday night......it was relaxed and fun. When I got home....I just couldn't sleep. I kept going over my behavior of late....and thinking of what had worked for ME before. Eventually the questions was answered.
I made the choice to release the control....emotionally wish her well and let it be. I am just tired of the meanness and bitterness I was feeling from time to time. If these are the last few weeks we will be together as a family...I won't let them be negative.
So while this will be beyond counter-intuitive....I started to support my wife's actions. Her Bf and her went to a bowling tournament...and then I just told them to spend the evening together as I dealt with a sleep over (probably better in the end since she doesn't deal with multiple children well) that I was hosting so some of our friends could have a date night. The kids behaved...I didn't have to deal with her stress....and enjoyed a nice glass of red wine.
TG-It does make you think! The statistics point clearly to the fact that it is more of a mental issue than emotional one. I feel the true weight of it will be explained in the future.
Or maybe it is we live in a disposable society from cars to marriages. Once it stops feeling perfect it is time for a new one.
Interesting day....the OM's wife has got her new apartment December 1st....so I have about three more weeks I figure with my wife in the house. I asked her....she said there needs to be a few days for the emotional stress to reduce and then she will move down. I think she is gone the night the om's wife moves out...maybe not moved....but gone.
The strange thing this time.....is that I know once she leaves I can not let her back. I won't say that I never will, but I know that my friends, family, and children will never see her the same. Her dad keeps wanting me to talk to him about it...he feels bad for me. He was so impressed that I stood through the first affair....and now feels horrible that his daughter is doing this. He will still love her....but I also know that bad talk about me will never be accepted in his house.....Dang good guy.
Ditto what Grit said...you really are special dude!
Quote:
Or maybe it is we live in a disposable society from cars to marriages. Once it stops feeling perfect it is time for a new one.
Funny, this quote reminded me of what I have been feeling lately.
Have you realized just how special YOU and many on these boards are? I was thinking about it and it really hit home the other day. Wow, we are all special. I mean who the hell in today's society would deal with this? How many people can stand up and take ownership of there own issues, how many people can truly let someone go? My conclusion - ONLY very SPECIAL people. Only people with HUGE hearts. Only people that can love deeply.
Your a hell of a person Lost. Your future is what you will make of it. Your a hell of dad and personally, your an inspiration to may.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So much happened yesterday.....A good days work (yeah), an incredible therapy session, and then some information that should be odd, but for some reason isn't.
For the work....First I am back to having four part time jobs. What had been my most recent job acquisition (assembling high end measuring devices-piece work)has turned a little more substantial for the time being. They like my work ethic so decided to expand my role a little....so I have begun making the tables also for the measuring devices I assemble. Then surprise...surprise...I made two tables by myself in the same time it usually takes for two guys to make one. Let's say the owner was beyond impressed.
Information- I was texting with the OM's wife yesterday...she is doing an awesome job DB'ing by the way. Her husband has been cuddling, confiding, and crying on her shoulder a lot....he seems very torn by his decision. Then yesterday just was the icing....He told his wife that he wants her to contact him...text or call...during the day during the week. Hmmmm....already lining up an affair with his wife? I haven't suggested she go dark yet. As she and I have changed our ways from confrontation to being their friends...he has been becoming more and more emotional and confiding in her. I will have to observe this quietly for now.....but in my opinion it is way to early for cake eating...thoughts?
Therapy-Wow....just wow. First we discussed what has been happening. The usually updating type stuff and then we discussed how I was handling it. One of the reason I go to therapy is to address this slight shake I have all the time....there has never been a diagnosis. So my therapist finally came up with one after three months of addressing this issue. What he feels is that I have two personalities. My usual self who is very confident, cool, and collected....or what I have become. Then I have another buried personality in my subconscious. He refers to this one as the "little boy" because that is when this personality was created. The little boy lives with the mind set that "I am not good enough"....long story short is he represents (was created) by the treatment of many people in my childhood.
So what happens is when I start shaking....there is a battle in my subconscious between my usual self (control) and the boy (not good enough) that is manifested by the shaking (manifested much worse and more often than in normal people). The two sides of my deep mind fight in that the little boy causes me to shake because I am not good enough while my current mind knows I am.
So that is where the hypnosis comes in. It seems that because of the placement of the little boy in my deep subconscious...It is impossible for me to consciously control the shaking. So we are working on making my deep mental world change...pretty cool stuff that is working.
The interesting thing we hit right at the end...was part of a conference my therapist participated in this weekend. It was discovered by a therapist (Virginia something) and her understudy (Laurie Dodson SP?) is that there is more to picking out your spouse than just personality and looks. What they discovered over the last 60 years is that we look for one trait in particular in our spouse.....a person who can help us deal with our childhood wounds. So for me I was looking for some one that would never "reject me for not being good enough"....vice versa my wife's childhood drama would be her father leaving her....so she was looking for a man who would never "abandon" her. The twist that the therapist added for my wife is that the very childhood crisis she subconsciously wanted me to counter...also causes her to run. In short, basically abandon the relationship before she gets abandoned.
So I put this to the test....thought about it a little. My wife's dad left the marriage when she was 11. Then the boy she had her first sexual experience with broke up with her the day after said experience. Since that time.....she broke up first in every single relationship....EVERY SINGLE ONE!
Now I add more...recently my wife had a therapy session where they discussed if she had ever truly loved at all. She came home questioning that. My conclusion....she hasn't! Also it is a testament to how good our relationship was in that she actually has been around as long as she has.....this should have started many years ago. See, I am a firm believer that there is three stages of love....The lust stage, enough said and lasts from 6-18 months......the second based on passion, common goals, etc....New/young love and generally runs 5-8 years (seven year itch). The third stage is true love...in that you love your partner for their differences, their belief in values, etc....you love them for who they are and not as you perceive them.
So for my wife and probably other mid-life crisis spouses, she had hit this third stage. To move to true love. It seems IMHO that this step is where a lot of marriages end nowadays.....we as a society cannot except our spouses for who they are. Instead of seeing our spouses peculiarities as special...we have been trained to see them as weaknesses in our marriages. So in our disposable society it is easier to start over than work through it. Or with my wife, run before I feel the same and decide to run on her (this is subconscious by the way....not a conscious thought pattern).
I also applied this mentality to another relationship I am very intimate with. My neighbors are very interesting and I love them both dearly, but I applied this to their marriage. The husband's father left when he was around 12...leaving a wife and three boys. He recalls how his mom worked all the time and how the three of them had to take care of themselves. She vice versely had a loving father who didn't appear to work "hard" and grew up wanting things. Guess what...today she is very happy taking care of the house, family, and being a wife (not bad by the way) and he works very hard to support his family....Hmmm...theory in action don't you think since they have found in each other a solution to their childhood issues.
I would like you to think about what I uncovered above..not because I think it can save your marriage...LOL. More because I want you to think about how this may affect relationships and love down the road. What was your childhood wound? Was it bad enough to affect your actions today or just enough that you are aware of it occasionally? Do the comparison to a relationship that you are familiar with....does it apply?
Much like hiding something in the open...sometimes the answers are so straight forward that we overlook them.
